This womans so-called life

Does a Religious School Screw Up a Kid?

ME IN FIFTH GRADE (IM IN THE PINK DRESS AT GRACE ST. LUKES SCHOOL).
well im not sure if im flying out tomorrow or not. Theres been a problem with the folks who are taking care of the cats, so I might possibly be screwed.  wow, my robitussion isnt working. I only found one bottle at walgreens last night. I was gonna use it for the flight, but i decided I needed it now.  "Gee, I wonder how come as soon as walgreens stocks the correct type of robitussion, It just disappears from the shelves???? Probably cause every black person in my hood is sypin syrup too.. But they have other drugs to do their syrup with.. Cant i get some weed?? i mean, im here in the weed capital of the earth.. maybe i should sign back up for Suicide Girls.. but its 4 bucks a month!! ugh!! I mean im just not makin any money from that damn southern charms site..

Well, anyway, back to the point of this journal.. I cannot figure out how to get my printer/scanner to work right so the photo above remains little..

Oh well, anywayas i said. Does a religious school fuck up a kid? The photo above is of my fifth grade class at Grace St. Lukes School. My father took me out of (the only public school that i ever attended) knight road elementary. Dad decided (against my will) to put me into Grace St. Lukes. I even had to repeat the fifth grade. I was left back, because my public school wasnt up to the HIGH standards of GSL. So, i went from being happy and being able to wear whatever I wanted and have my hair however i wanted to being an 11-year old girl who had to wear A DRESS EVERYDAY!!  and follow a strict code of rules.  NOt to mention, these kids drove me into a mental hospital (because i was not as rich as they were) (because i was unusual looking and had an unusual name) Annemieke. (and cause i had a big nose) before my nose job..

Now, i would love to point out a few of the kids in the photo, and i might.. but.. what im trying to understand within myself is, if my years of private "religious" education fucked me up now.. at 31.. What im saying is.. for the rest of my life I went to private christian schools.. (they all had a dress code and they all had basically a few cliques)...    See, when your in a private school, you only have a few options for friends.. U have to be rich and you have to be preppy and you have to be pretty.   (basically thats the only clique)  However, in a public school you have all kinds of cliques and all kinds of DIFFERENT kids.. and there are much more opportunities to fit in.

especially when a person is in high school.. this is a critical time for teenagers.. Now, my individuality finally emerged after my mom was diagnosed with cancer, but i was 22! I decided i was comfortable being a "goth" type. I wanted the piercings and tattoos and big pants and big shirts and a shaved head.. (unfortunatly, in the ADULT world.. piercings and tats are not cool...  Its damn near impossible to get a job with piercings.. even a shitty job.. 

So, my arguement is if my individuality had not been smushed by the dress codes and the rich cliques at these religious schools.. would I have gotten the piercing and tattoo and wierd hair phase out of my system as a teenager.. so i wouldnt be "stuck" in it as an adult???

Fueling the question, just because its a "private" school doesnt mean its the best place for a child to go. Private schools do not let kids be themselves.. they limit how a child can look and act and who a child can hang around with.. thus making a childs individuaitly emerge at a MUCH LATER AGE. than its supposted to.

on the other side, yes some public schools are dangerous. but not all of them..  I really do think that being so limited in my horizons at these private schools... Grace St. Lukes.. (the one in the photo)  names..well it was also a mostly boys school.. only a few girls.. Melissa Hamner (the chick in the purple jumper). she was mean..Lauren Wilson.. (the little darling of the school is the girl with the blond hair) MEAN..   and Karen Warner who followed me to another private school.. she has the black hair....She wasnt mean to me..  (however she wondered how i came to my next school.. woodland presbyterian... She asked me if i transferred straight from Grace St Lukes.. Well no... Karen.. I came from a mental hospital... HERE IS MY JUNIOR HIGH CLASS AT WOODLAND..

lets see, i wish this photo wasnt so small.. KELLY PEARSON. second row.. red shirt is beside me.. she was a hellish person....  most everyone at this school was... except for AMBER JOHNSON..(far left) im still looking for her wondering what happened to her.



Well. the point is.. private VS. public.. I think private schools fuck up kids more than a public school?? any comments??

A fantasy converstion with Jesus.

Jesus is standing in front of me in a white robe in Paul's backyard. I am sitting on the bricks just outside the cat door, surrounded by Virginia Slims and a bottle of Everclear. Two of my favorite books, which ive read over and over again sit beside us. (nobodys child) by Marie Balter and (shes come undone by Wally Lamb) I have just thrown my (friendship ring as my boyfriend calls it, even after five years into the tall weeds, I hope very much that it will be run over by a lawnmower or just thrown in the trash. May, i take a seat, Jesus asks. Me: of course, im so glad to have someone to talk you; you know Lord I really actually had a pretty nice day today. I had my photoshoot with my favorite female photographer. I got to see some really interesting (shit) at a place that I didnt know existed. I had some real conversation with a person other than Paul. It just was kinda nice, Jesus: Than why are you drinking? I thought you only smoked. I dont really agree with smoking as you might know, but its better than drinking. Me: (hardly able to hold my head up)  I'm trying to drown my sorrows, Lord. It seems I suffer from heart-ache. I know thats something that cant be fixed, no matter how hard I pray. Jesus: But everything was alright, just a few hours ago, you did very good with your shoot, you finally got some sleep, and you had a good meal. ME: yeah thats whats so sucky about it, I only wanted to do something responsible. I need to register my car. I calulated how much i would have to pay and its over one thousand dollars.  That certainly made me feel, hopeless in itself, but Lord I havent changed the registration because of (your child who refuses to accept you, no matter how hard I push) He has been so wishy-washy for so long. I didnt know if I should pay the one thousand to California or to Tennessee. He has told me on many occasions to register the car here in California, but tonight he seems to have changed his mind, he said he didnt even have a nice time today. Jesus: WHy did he say to register the car in TN today? I suppose it was that cross-country trip that you were trying to get him to go on, wasnt it. You didnt want to break the law, however if you got to TN with the car, you could go ahead and register it there, and i suppose that would kinda be it.  You know, some things that I have tried to make you feel. For a long time, i have given you a sense that you dont belong in California, but you chose to disobey me. Why? Me: Lord, I know you think its because i dont want to be alone, but before you came, i was thinking about it. Ive been totally alone for a long while. I was alone, even without a roomate for over a year. In the house, completly by myself. Then Christine came along, and for three more years i was alone, all i had was basically someone to call 911 if i did something stupid. See, Lord, i can do it. I can be alone. Jesus: Paul (my son who rejects me) told you something bad, this i know. I know he told you that "you were only around so he would not be alone" that he really does not love you"  that you have nothing in common.. all of things that he always says. I must tell you (for you are MY child) that i dont approve when someone who rejects me, hurts a child of MINE. A child of GOD'S. ME:Lord, i know i am self-righteous many a time, but you are all I have. The invisable spirit who i KNOW does love me.. but most of the time, i cannot see you, I cannot feel your presence, I cannot hear any answers to my  prayers. Lord, some are so ignorant. They say, "why destroy yourself because your heart aches?   I wish i did not have to do it, but this time, what he said, it was much clearer and much firmer than it has been in other times. Jesus: To be honest with you, I do feel that PAULis telling you the truth. He does not feel love in his heart for you, and I know deep down that you know this too, drugs and alchohol will not cover this up forever. What would you do, if you moved back home. ME: Lord, you know that it was very rough, i dont believe that in pauls 48-years that he has ever been as physically lonely as i have been, for so long a period. I dont know why i want to stay with someone who does not love me.  If i went home, i would handle things the best that the mental illness's that my parents gave me, that i could, but as you know, it is a not a life, it is only sitting in a strached up pink recliner and watching TV.  I would only go anywhere, if Chris asked me. I would never take going to the movies (something as simple as that for granted) I would do DEX and i would drink most of the time.  Jesus: So, child what you are telling me is, you would rather have the minimal amount of freedom that living with paul gives you, rather than no freedom. It is not mearly, a fear of being alone. WHat (my child) will you do in the next week, lets say? How will you handle this new deep realization? ME: My Lord, i cannot hide my distress from you, i can only cry out to you in pain, when that doesnt work, then I will use drugs to try and make it stop. Jesus: My child, i am sorry, i am very busy, i have an entire earth to watch over, I cannot stay here long. What you speak of, I understand. If i could give my permisssion to you, being holy, i would, but i cannot. If i was a human, i would not stop your decision. Me: Lord, I just lost Alison as a friend (a real person, a human) I have no more. Will i die at home of a drug overdose? will i die here of a drug overdose? I cant believe what he says is true.. he does not love me as a human being, he does not accept my faults, he does not accept my mental illness, My Lord, no one excepts it. Jesus: I accept your mental illness, you must go back to church, if you are to live.. if you do not you will die (i know your father mentioned this a lot. I know that you do not fully understand his writings)  but, i do say to you, you may not die physically, but you will die emotionally. I know that a big part of your heart is already dead from the loss of your parents, I know that you wanted love from another human, everyone deserves that. My father did not create this world for misery. If you cannot get back to church, i will still love you, but there is not a lot that I can do for you. ME:  I understand. but i left the healing services in Memphis, still feeling empty, never whole. I have a huge weight on my shoulders, to live with a human who does not desire me, no mattter how much i try to change, or to go home and have drugs as my only weapon againist my broken heart. Jesus: My child, truely i must go, I cannot tell you what to do, as i have come here as a human, and humans do not know what is ahead. Only my father God knows what will happen to you, but i want to leave you with this, When your heartaches, and you cry to me and for some reason i do not hear, you may solve it, by whatever means you feel necessary.  You will go to heaven, you will see your mother, in the end. You will receive (the crown of suffereing) which i have promised in the book of Revelation. You will not be abandoned by me. ] Then, I look at the folding chair next to me and Jesus is gone. I feel a sense of peace, but then i realize that i have been drinking, this entire conversation probably never happened. Then, i feel a sense of deep heartache. I do not drink anymore, but come in, get a soda, just like nothing has happened and go back outside again, to read perhaps of Marie balters life. (to perhaps focus on my fun day) I deserve to have (fun days once in a while) to perhpaps put him out of my mind. To, think that I need to study and focus my mind on the end of days, rather than the opinion of one VERY PUDGY, nerdy, glasses wearing, boring man. THE END..