This womans so-called life

OH my god! lane Bryant dude, Un-COOL! I gained the weight from all my psychatrict meds

Nope, i dont know any of these wonderfully large women, i got there photo from photobucket but I imagaine that they have to order their clothes from layne bryant, just like i just ordered a fucking pair of pants from there. While, i havent reached HIPPO size yet, Lanyne bryant for anyone who doesnt know is a store for PLUS SIZE women.  I cant get out and shop and the size 14's that i ordered from target just WERENT BIG ENOUGH, so i thought well i just buy my some size 16! shorts from the layne bryant website... and boy did it do a blow to my non-esxistant self esteem.. I mean man!  I feel like i wanna just keep sleeping on the couch and never moving like ive been doing and make sure i smoke a lot so i wont eat anymore.....

. I aint ranting.. im just sayin.. Ladies if youve been skinny and suddenly circumstances cause you to gain... IT HURTS DOESNT IT!!!! SO thats what im sayin!

Was it and is it still embarrassing to be a nude model? and March 25 07 the story of my last shoot

 

 

Throughout this blog, you will most likely, if you look deep enough into it, run into several posts about my previous and on-going nude modeling. One, i would like to say that things have changed considerably on this subject since 2005-2006. Im not sure the reason that I really started it.... I didused to go over to a "photographers" house with my ex-boyfriend as a chaperone and I might get paid 50 dollars or so for a session. No sexual activity ever went on at any of these "pro-shoots"  nor did any sexual activity occur within the monogomy of (mine and my ex's seven year relationship) but thats another story altogheter.

Nowadays, the only (nude stuff) i do is when I come to visit my ex about every two months and I post the photos that he takes on an amateur site called Southern Charms. I dont ever go over to anyones house anymore, or have "pro" photo shoots. Im not sure again, why i started... but i do also have nude photos on flickr which some people are probably surprised and maybe a little shocked to find.... trust me.. i know im not very hot.. thats why im on Southern charms. most are the girls (well are regular looking) to say the least.

the reason i even thought to post this is because i saw a trackback from someone on netflix and i can imagine that he was probably surprised to find nude flickr photos. You do hear girls say this ALL THE TIME.. well i didnt have a father figure.. I didnt.. but oh well.. I dont have any parents that would be embarrassed by what i have done in the past, nor relatives so theres no danger there.

In 2005, for some reason i just was a exercise machine and i was a bit anorexic so i thought-hey why not. i look good. im really really skinny! I was.. plus i thought it might put a little bit of spice into my relationships basically non-existant sex life.. I dont know, thats a little bit of whats up with that..

GUYS go easy on me here on the comments. PLEASE.. im kinda in a fragile mental state at the moment!!! Thanks!! Peace!! Oh i sorta didnt answer my own question.. Yes and no.. its embarrassing, depending on who finds out.. but not so much, in other ways.. its hard to expalian!

BELOW IS A (NOT SO NAUGHTY PHOTO) TAKEN IN 2006

March 25, 07, the story of my last shoot.THIS IS A GOOD STORY GUYS

So, it was a lovely spring day and "Ivy Jeanette" was finally going on her first photos shoot since October 2006. She was going to work with "Savannah Skye" a tiny 100 pound photographer whom she had worked with once before.  Unfortunatly, "Ivy" still had to get a ride from (the evil nuclear bomb genius)  but even that she was determined would not mess up this day.
So, "Ivy" and "EnBG" drove for about an hour until we got to Emeryville, CA. Sadly, a rather bad hood which was very close to Oakland. It was also right near the ocean which made things rather chilly for a nude model, but my nipples would stand up, NO PROBLEM!
Anyway, we arrived at Savannah Skye's apartment, all i had with me was a red bath robe and some 1 dollar White rain hairspray. When Ivy and ENBG went inside we were both pretty shocked at the apartment, even though Savannah Skye was a great person, the place that she lived wasnt.  SS lived with another photographer  who had long greasy hair and was missing a few teeth, also his "wife" was living there. She was rather large, but thats about all we knew. THe apartment was only about two rooms. There was only one bed for three folks??? Another reason, it was extremely cluttered was that the floors the shelves  on the ceilings and basically everywhere were lined with Anime tapes and posters. There was a very sick cat on the (bed) She had an eye infection and she was also bleeding from the rear (the greasy haired guy) claimed she had had two miscarriages, he also claimed that the cat was near death. (I was pretty furious about that, wanting to call the Aspca or someone to get her)
In short, I wanted outta that cramped little cluttered place quick!  Luckily, i got my wish The greasy guy and Savannah Skye got into a rather cheesy (attempted souped up toyota celica)

So then, Ivy and ENBG followed them to some railroad tracks--Now these werent just any tracks--up above our heads was a maze of freeways (including the one that fell down in the tanker truck fire) 
When we got out of the car there was this unbelievable stinch.  It smelled about 20 times worse than my cats litter box--no surprise because it was a sewage treatment plant on the other side of the tracks. It was really odd because the greasy guy and Savannah Skye didnt even seem to notice. At the other end of the tracks was a car--not just any car (it was a car that had been stripped clean and then set on fire!)
By now, Ivy has major reserves about her nipples sticking out around here. Fortunatly, her savior would come pretty soon! While Savannah Skye was putting on Ivys makeup in the back of ENBG's car a cop pulled up. He was actually (a railroad authority cop)  with a K-9 in the back--meaning a massive barking german sheperd. He told Greasy Guy and ENBG that other cops had reported two suspious vechicles in the area. (He left) but SS kept doing Ivys makeup.
In about ten minutes--the cop came back. This time he got out of his car and precided to talk to greasy guy and enbg for about 20 minutes. Enbg. likes to babble on and on when he is nervous (which means any social situation) so, the cop told them that trespassing was 30 days in jail (no questions or execptions)  He also mentioned that a gang of hispanics had just started robbing anyone in the area in broad daylight.
HE said that gangs watched from the warehouses around the area and then jumped people for their clothes, shoes and money. (By now Ivy was very nervous and wanted to get the hell outta there)
So once the cop and greasy guy and Engb shut-up we got the fuck outta there)  (Bein raped isnt worth a free nude shoot, U THINK..
So, we ended up at another place called (albany bulb) by the locals and that is where the photos below come from!   I could tell a little more about it.. but naw.... Just check the photos out... its a weird ass place!!!

   

IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!! A WARNING TO ALL ABOUT CRIME, AFTER I WAS ASSAULTED!

Hello folks,

As you probably know, Im Anna; I am not here to rant about anything, but I want to extend a warning to ALL WOMEN about crime. Sadly, circumstances created a less than ideal living area for me. I am a single white (mentally disabled) woman, who has to reside here in an entirely african-amercian neighborhood in Memphis (a city which does have one of the highest crime rates in the nation, and is known for being extremely dangerous) However, this does not excuse the fact that I was assaulted a week ago today in a Walgreens parking lot (which is less than a mile from my house)

Ladies! No matter how much you think "It cant happen to me" Let me let you know that IT CAN!

 

My assault has (unfortuantely) two parts to it, the specific reason that I was targeted was because the person who assaulted me thought that I was a (gay, transgenger) or something white male, when of course I am COMPETLEY AND TOTALLY A HETOROSEXUAL WOMAN!  However, from the back, it is difficult to tell, because I do have short hair (however I feel that as a human being I have the right to have short hair) and not be threatened with my life.

 

Anyway, to go on with what happened, last Wednesday a little before dusk, I drove down to Walgreens just to purchase a pack of cigarrettes. I was only in the store perhaps five minutes, however when I was walking to my car, I heard shouting coming from a grayish SUV which was parked a few feet away from me. The shouting was coming from a young african american male who was in the back seat. There was also an african american female in the front seat of the car.

The male was screaming at me (he wanted to know) (What the hell I was) Through other obscenties, he yelled, (are you a cunt, fag,--what)? He also mentioned that he had been "watching me" I was shocked, I had never seen these people in my entire life! I had no idea who they were, so I answered back, (look i dont know you people, just mind your business and go on) Well, this wasnt enough for the assaulant. So finally as he was still screaming at me, I had to say Look Just Fuck off)

 

Well, that was my final word, (people who have been treatened with assault or crime always say How fast it happened) and that is so true.. It all happened in what seemed like a split second. Suddenly the screaming, very irrational african american male sprinted from the backseat of his car over to my vechile. He first stopped on the sidewalk in front of me, ranting and yelling that (HE HAD A GUN ON HIM AND THAT HE WAS GONNA POP A CAP IN ME NOW) If I Drove away. I said nothing, but I only had a second to get into my car and lock the doors before he was on the passenger side of my car, he started pulling on the door handle TRYING TO GET IN, so he then rammed on my window and threatened my life again. (Screaming once again that he had a gun and that he would shot me at Point blank range through my window if I did not roll it down)

I

did what he said, as he screamed more obsentities at me, demanding that I answer him as to (who I was) making it clear to me, that i would not get away if i did not answer.  So, I remembered as quickly as a could the things that I have seen on crime prevention shows or shows about how to handle an irrational assaulant. I knew i had to try and calm him down, if i wanted my life, or else the situation would have esculated. (and yes by Gods Grace I was able to keep my head about me) so I calmly said, (Look, I really apologize (even though i had done nothing) Im a white woman okay, now, please you really need to chill, i am sorry if you felt disrespect, but U know it isnt worth killing me, Im not gay. just please calm down...

The crummy thing is that the other person who was in the same vechile, the african american female did nothing, I assume that she was probably laughing the entire time.. Finally, after a third death threat.. Where the assaulant, screamed.. something to the effect of.. (Hurry the hell up and get your nasty cunt ass out of here and if I EVER SEE YOU at this store Again, I WILL KILL YOU)  Only then did the other occupant of the vechile step out and pull the male away.. just casually telling him to (come on) as if nothing had ever taken place.

As, i drove away, I could still hear endless obsentities coming from his mouth and i am sure i could see a bit of a smirky grin on the female occupants face.

So, as you might imagine I was pretty shaken up, I decided to go ahead and call the police (only thinking that I might be able to save someone else from going through the same thing) I didnt think the police would take it seriously.. however to my surprise.. they took it very seriously. Two cops came over and they took a report.

As i said it has been a week today, and this has totally altered a lot of things, I have not been able to sleep in my bedroom, just out of fear, so I have moved to the couch and now sleep there. Obviously, i can  never go back to the Walgreens where the incident occured, because I took this assaulants final death threat VERY SERIOUSLY.. so, i have to drive a long long way out of my way to get my prescriptions at another walgreens from  now on.. and I have a lot of prescriptions.. I havent been able to talk to a professional yet about what happened, but I hope that i get to soon.

This assault has changed the way I trust in God, changed just a lot of things. I am glad that I did get away with my life of course and did not die last week in the parking lot or obviously i wouldnt be typing this to you (my fellow bloggers.

Again, ladies, whereever you live, it can still happen.. so please ladies watch and be aware of your surroundings AT ALL TIMES! even if you do not live in a high crime area!!

I am hoping that i will be able to move from this neighborhood soon, my accountant is working on it, sadly because i am disabled and only have so much money.. we have a lot of obstacltes when it comes to getting my out of this crime ridden area.... but I am trying desperatly to take (one day at a time) I take mace with me now wherever i go.. and hope that moving will be possible for me in the near future..

Peace, my blogging friends and Please be careful out there....HOWEVER..

 

Really? what is the point of blogging, especially personal diaries?

well, folks, I have been writing personal diary blogs for YEARS! as you can tell from this one. However, while I get on blogexplosion and blogrocket a lot, I wonder "Whats the point of all blogging?" I mean, none of us are famous, and most likely will never be. So since most blogs are about (politics or hobbies) I guess in that case it doesnt make much difference, it can be a cool way to showcase your views or whatever hobby you are into. However, the personal diary blog as much as i do like doing it sometimes, you know its hard to get readers. Basically, why would anyone want to read about the personal struggles of someone that they dont even know?   I know most folks on blogexplosion just past by the things that they read so they can earn credits, so whats the fun in that?    So, i wonder how come I care about getting more readers from blogexpolsion. Is it because I want some kind of attention, yeah, thats a reason, but i dont tend to ever get it. And neither do I see many of the blogs that I pass by, get much attention either.

If i were famous, then someone would care about my personal life (even though theres not much to tell) except the fact that i cant sleep cause (well its a mental illness problem) and im sitting over a towel which has my vomit from todays barcardi 151.   I'm a single woman, with no kids and no parents and i live in the ghetto.. im not famous, im not anything.. but, i still bother blogging.. I wonder why everyone else does??

 

The shut in-s dreams and supernatural And ANOTHER DREAM ABOUT MOM

OKAY IM LYING.. EVERYTIME ME AND THIS KITTEN SAY WE DONT CARE, IT REALLY MEANS WE CARE A SHIT LOAD!!!

 

.

I dreamed that I was asleep (exept i was asleep) in reality.... seemed as

though i was watching myself sleep--dreaming this.. I kept thinking my mom is gonna make me get up and go to church with her.. cause this is sunday.. but im really hung over.. god i hope she leaves me alone..   

then.. hard to explain.. As i was thinking this.. I felt.. my mother come into my room watch  me sleeping.    She seemed to realize.after a long period of time that. she shouldnt wake me up..

  so.. as i was watching myself sleep (and was asleep)  I could sense that she was standing over me..  she stood there for a while staring at me.. then i saw.. or felt.. hands.. i couldnt see her face.. only hands and her big ol afro.. hair..

  the hands touched me and she seemed to move in to kiss me... (as if just to leave me there cause she knew i didnt feel like going to church with her)  then in my sleep I could feel more like a spirt (her spirit) finally being satisfied to leave me be.. but that she had hugged me a proper goodbye.....  The she seemed to float down the hall and go out the side door.. on her way to church just like she did in reality on sunday..

 

never to come back in the house again.. she just seemed to float out the door.. on to church..

Im confused.. only paul will get the signigficance of this dream anyway.. shes been gone 7 years and that was the oddest dream ive ever had.. In 7 years, i only dream of her in nightmares.. horrible nightmares which repeat themselves.. a lot..  never anything like last night..NEVER.

Was i actually dreaming that i was asleep.. or was i just really asleep and she really came and hugged me goodbye and looked at me for a long time..  and then left the house??  oh man, im gonna have to think on this one some more..

Kai.. says he believes in ghosts and spirtis and paul and me have been to a lot of supposdely haunted places during our 4 years in cali.. i seem to have convinced an agnostic of spirits existance..

The extremem loss of faith last night.that i had..... maybe the dream wasnt a dream..  People just have to be more open minded.. most havent seen five dead bodies in their lifetime by the time they are 23.. 

 

 anyway, this friday and sat, i was so bored that i was looking though the massive amout of papers that belong to mom and dad.. On friday night i picked up the dresser drawer and put it in the living room... the drawer.. which contained cards that i had made for mom when i was little..  Three and four years old..

it is known that spirts cause extreme cold spots..

 well.. it took me hours to look through the stuff.. but as i sat in one particular spot on the floor in the living room and more often when i was touching the cards that i had made.. there it came. an extreme cold spot.. my house is not drafty at all.. and the heat was on full blast.. 

This has happened before, but only in the living room.. it happened in december when i took my cd player into the living room and was playing and singing christmas songs by myself........the same cold spot.. not frightening..

 but.. it came back.. and The spot was so cold. i tryed to make cold breath.. it was freezing.  It moved.. at times it was right in front of my face.. and no where else..   However it didnt wanna move anywhere else in the house.. only there..

What was that dream of last night?? has it finally come true.. did she really come? did she really kiss me goodbye? man.. hard shit.. just dont know..

..

was she really there??? did she finally give me the goodye i wanted..was it real?



even if she did come and it was real, I will not be at peace.... i will only be at peace... (when the unthinkable) what seems to happen to only a select few of lucky people....   when i sit up in bed.... and in front of me.. is her spirit.. whole.. and dressed in the blue dress that she was buried in... with sydney in her lap.... and I am terrified at first.... but.. then words from the spirt.... I love you and i am at peace.... you be at peace... and go on without me... only for a while.... and then she puts me back to sleep... and i wake up and i know what i saw.. only then...  will there ever be peace for me..

 

 

ANOTHEr DREAM ABOUT MY Mom

 

 

Well, when i was

drunk the other day and felt a bit better, i tried to improve my LJ, with stuff from Photobucket. Damn, thats a great site!  I should have joined a long time ago.  Anyway, my "BIG" update is a dream. One of many dreams.    I say, "When you feel bad and you are with someone you hate, hell just sleep, i dont know"   However, be sure to listen to the Eurythmutics---"THESE DREAMS"
OKay, so in six years i have never had a good dream about my mother, but i firmly believe that TODAY!!! drum role please.. i finally had one...   SHES THE ANGEL IN THE DUMB  PHOTO..      So, i dreamed that "in the arms of the angels" by fuck what is her name? Sheryl crow.. no, im not sure was playing  and i was faking that i was asleep (when i was asleep)   and my mom was rubbing my head to the tune of that song.   (that was the dream)  but to someone who dreams about their mother with dead kittens, spiders, snakes, all kinds of gross shit.. that was wonderful.. It really was.. It felt very real.. it did..

I figure, if someones words can escatle and make a person feel as though she has to burn herself,,, a burn the size of a nickel.. Which was a blister, but just poped and OW!!! Then i can go home.. for a bit..
I just need stength.. if anyone on this site is christian,.. i need strenght... and AA.. and a lot moreKOOL MOM DREAMS

 

 

SuicIDE Myths/Facts!!! and I really am a shut-in!

I found this in a magazine--This info....
COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SUICIDE

MYTH: more people die by suicide around the holidays
FACT: Someone dies by suicide every 16.6 minutes, not based on when the holidays fall on the calendar

MYTH: repeated thoughts of suicide are common
FACT: Thoughts of suicide are a signal that you or someone you know is in pain and suffering. These thoughts could lead to suicidal behavior which is not common and not normal. 

If you or someone you care about is thinking about suicide, helop is availavle by contacting a medical professional for the proper diagnosis and treament.

WANT TO LEARN MORE MISCONCEPTIONS AND ABOUT SUICIDE PREVENTION?

GO to www.save.organd learn how you can SAVE A life IF YOU CARE ENOUGH, YOU CAN RECONIZE THE SIGNS AND SAVE SOMEONE!!! PLEASE GET EDUCATED!!!!



 HERE IS MY STUFF NOW..... WRITTEN IN RED, IS MY GIVING UP MESSAGE IF U WILL...


When i was layin in the bed for the past two days... I saw a community access program about mental illness... They were doing an interview of a mentally ill man who lived alone and was about to manage his illness because of his huge support system. The man would talk about his neighbor..who was a pastor. came to check on him everyday..   The mentally ill man didnt think he could make it if he didnt have such a system of support.   I thought. wow that must be nice.

Now, im drunk and i want my mommy....   I want my mom.. I want my mom.. I havent been drunk in so long... cause it makes u fat.. and i took a shower and i didnt feel like going to the store or getting cough syrup so i drank three straight shots of my barcardi 151 instead.  Im writing down my psychatirct records from when I started therapy at 9.. on that typepad site.. I had to go to the E/R twice in four years for alchohol poisoning.. The second time i dont remember anything. I told paul that I was really sick and to call an ambulance and he did.. and they really came and they strapped me to a strecher and everything and they took me to the hospital and i still dont remember any of it.. I cant remember how much i had to drink that night..

im outta soda and im fat.. i miss my mom.. i miss my mom.. I miss paul too. why doesnt he love me..  No one will be my friend except Kai.. cause im sick.. I wanna take care of baby zoo animals but you gotta go back to school and major in zoolology.. and i dont think it takes that.. It just takes love.. I mean i have hand raised 10 cats.. and it takes a lot of love.. See, like casey and J.J.. they were strays and they were about 2 weeks old and i remember they werent even as big as my hand.. and they were both covered in MASSIVE fleas.. and i was so sad for them.. I took them one at a time and i bathed them in baby shampoo and it took hours to pick all the huge fleas off of their little tiny bodies.. And they could barley see.. there eyes were hardly open.. but they screamed so loud. and Paul and me finally got all the fleas off of them and we covered them each up with a towel and we petted them and fed them a bottle until they both feel asleep and then we put them to bed and then i would get up in the morning really early when they cried and feed them a bottle and make them go to the bathroom.. and comfort them both.... and i did the same with Madeline and Sucky.. and with georgie.. and with charlie... pauls cat...    how come u need a degree to love animals.. i mean to get payed for it

SERIOUS SUICIDE IDEALAZATIONS HERE.. IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO FEELS LIKE THIS... GET THEM HELP IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!! THERE IS NO STIGMA.. THE LIFE U SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN..

ten years.. 1999, to 2009.. i dont wanna do it anymore. i finally looked up "how to commint suicide" as if i didnt know how.. as if i havent attempted.. a trillion times with drugs.. I hold my  .38 in my hand as i have since 1999, and i know that if i could just pull the trigger.. even if i was playing with the gun and it was an accident.. cause i play with the gun.. loaded a lot.. Throughout ten years.. ive pulled the hammer back and ive stuck the gun in my mouth.. to my head.. to my heart.. ive even had my finger on the trigger... but of course ive never pulled it.. tonight as i look at it... and as the words from paul ring inside my ears, "I dont wanna live with you" "i dont wanna live with you"  I look at the loaded silver shiny 5 shooter with so much longing.  Its been ten years.. ive called the suicide hotline tons of times... they have always been ass holes.. complete ass holes..  there is no point in ever calling them again.  Its been ten years of grief and heartache and vomit and drinking and blood and black eyes and lonliness and rejection.  See, people dont understand that ive done everything i can do.. to save my life within 10 years.. ive been in mental hospitals, ive had therapy, ive taken all my meds for ten years.. ive been so close to the edge that i call the Suicide hotline and they basically yell at me.. every time... they say.. "whats so bad about your life, Loser"   they are total evil evil people on that hotline..

Im tired.. im so tired.. i cant count the nights and the days when ive begged god for a reason to stay around.. ive begged for tomorrow to be better, but it never has gotten better.. it always gets worse and worse.. with each day..  ive called chruches.. when ive been on the brink.. and they have been terrible to me too. See, ive exhasted every option.. ive tryed to save my life.. but it never gets better. and i know inside that it never will..  

God or none of my tons of relatives in ten years.. have never come to me.. from the other side.. even in a dream and told me not to do it.. not even my own mother.  AS, i scream and cry for probably the trillioneth night in my life.. i wonder more and more.. god.. ten years.. i just want to pull the trigger and in one second.. what i told sydney.. before they put her to sleep.. will be what happens to me too.. no more of this.. no more waking up tomorrow and hearing pauls voice in my ear.   I think, that im so terrified of the way that sydney died because it will be that quick for me too.   I didnt hold her.. because i couldnt do it.. but see no one is here to hold me either.. to witness my last breath on this planet. 

but even though i couldnt hold her.. what i told sydney is true.. when i told her that just in the blink of an eye.. she would be at peace.. in the blink of an eye she would be in mothers lap.. in the blink of an eye there was nothing to be afraid of.. because  Jesus would take her.. in just a second as soon as the lethal medication killed her.. Jesus would take her.. i swear there is no way on this earth.. that a loving God could condim someone who is in so much pain as myself to a lifetime of hell... Its just not possible.. A loving god.. will take me as quick as he took sydney.. in the blink of an eye..   and even though  my brains would be all over the wall.. I wouldnt be here.. I will be with a loving God and i wont miss my mom anymore.. and paul wont reject me anymore..

Ten years i have fought. i have fought the good fight.. i have fought hard.. I am tired. so tired now.. did jesus not say.. come ye all those with heavy burdens and I will give you rest..... I want rest.. rest and peace

its not fair.. im a shut in-2003 all over again.


 




OKay, i feel like im totally falling apart. I dont have anything to do, and i have everything to do. Earlier today, i got up with an extreme headache. All i wanted to do was to lay in bed... But i couldnt.. both the cats and me were out of food.. I have NO ONE TO HELP.. NO ONE.. just to go down the street and buy some cat food or me a can of soup.. (If i called one of my neighbors, they would have asked for cash and i dont have any) I am so Damn alone.. so.. i had to just pray.. (i had to say lord. fine theres no one to help. please let me take a shower through this pain and go down to walgreens)... So. i did.. I showered with the horrible headache and went down in the freezing cold to walgreens to get the cats some emergency food and cat litter. and i bought myself some soda and some cans of soup.. and unfortunatly, another bottle of cough syrup, which i drank around 6:30 Pm.. Its 8:30 pm and it hasnt done anything.. so i dont think this bottle is gonna work...

but the point is.. I feel like im coming apart mentally. Im reading this book about a woman with schizophrinia... and i feel like im losing it.. just like this lady.. Im totally alone.. When paul and I broke up. he kept assuring me that things would not go back to the way they were in 2003. but last night when i was coming down from two bottles of cough syrup (which makes u cry and makes u depressed and makes U understand what reality really is) I thought, Im turning back into the person of 2003. its happeneing and theres nothing that anyone can do.. It doesnt matter that im supposted to go out to cali on the 22. Whats gonna happen when i get back? Things are becoming too overwelming. I know that ive made a big big change within my body... im now totally off all opiates or pain meds. (Thats a huge change) I havent drank a drop of alchohol for like oh almost two weeks.... (when i used to drink nightly) ive hardly smoked when I was smoking about three packs a day. I know all these chemical changes can make a body go wacko.. I have no appetite.. which is cool... but im not losing weight... I am not able to make it to the grocery store.

I feel like im going crazy.. and if paul just hadnt dumped me back here i wouldnt be alone.  Im terrified of another 2003... (as ive explaned before there were 8 months in 2003 when Paul didnt want to see me)  so i basically went nuts.. I could not leave the house, i was completly crippled by anxiety, depression and agorophobia).. I called all around Memphis for a church to PLEASE help me with food.. but no one would.. Paul had to have food delieverd here... from california..  I had to hire a nurse to take me to a psychiatrist appointment. An appointment where I thought I wanted to be hospitlilized only because of my severe anxiety and i couldnt go anywhere)..

its happening again.. the exact same thing.. except this time i know there is no where i can go for help.. There is no one who will listen to me.. I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF.. NO MATTER HOW ANXIOUS I AM.. NO MATTER HOW JITTERY I FEEL.... THE CATS HAVE TO HAVE FOOD.. GEORGIE HAS TO HAVE INSULIN.. I HAVE TO DO IT.. AND THERE IS NO ONE TO HELP.. This is a nightmare.. When paul and i broke up, this was  my worst fear.... and its started to happen..  That i would be a 31-year-old shut in..... in the ghetto.. for the rest of my life..  That i have totally no hope.. nothing.. its really happening to me.. I need help.. I REALLY REALLLY NEED HELP>>.

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What i wrote on the plane coming back from Pauls and a video of me in Minnesota

Well, im putting this in the "travel" category... except it probably should be in the category of "terror" and "sadness"  This lame short video above is from Sunday Jan 6, 2008, I was outside the Minneapolis/st paul airport.  I was out in California for the holidays.. from Dec 22, to Jan 6.... so i basically just got back to Memphis... I was out to visit PAUL... (look at my about page) The visit didnt go that great..

But, in any case... the following is what I wrote on my connecting flight from Minneapolis to Memphis.. Usually, i dont post entries this personal... but.. what the hell??

JAN 6, 2008.. On the plane

Well, Im on the plane home (I guess) and the noise is deafening. In all the time that Ive flown-so many times! I have never been seated in the VERY BACK of a TINY northwest DC9. My head (this plane only has two engines-rather than four) and my head and ear is next to the left engine. I havent slept in I guess about 30 hours and things arent going as well as they were this morning. I just popped a seroquel because I feel this tearful rage of paniac sweaping over me. Since, I have the window seat, I cried-just the kind where tears run down your face and tears are still running down my face. I know that normal people would feel about the same as I do after not sleeping for so long, and being terrified of the tiny bucket of bolts thats holding me and these Rude ass sky waitress's up in the air.... (sorry but I hate them)  Dont have to explain why---Black flight attendent is on this flight and she said to some other attendent, "Oh once this flight lands im going out to the (Memphis clubs and hyke up my skirt, girl" (SLUT, Nasty Memphis Slut)

Nevermind, I do suppose that the non-mentally ill folk who are also writing to "NO ONE" would feel such an extreme difference of emotions all in one, and then thinking (even though Im exhausted and not rational) When I finally get home--I NEED!! NO, I MUST!!! Take this fear, rage and sadness and cut myself or overdose or throw a tantrum.... because someone is supposted to be taking care of me. I dont care who it is.. I JUST WANT THEM ALIVE!!! Someone is supposted to be next to me, stopping my tears and calming my rage. SOMEONE... See thats how it works... Someone is supposted to be there at the airport to pick me up---BUT NO ONE IS--so i have to take a cab.

Someone -a human is supposted to be waiting for me--with open arms/ and food and cat food. Someone  is supposted to be there so that I can cry out my terror and not harm myself, but no one is.. No one has been there for 21 years (neither mom nor dad) thats almost all my life. I get so damn angry because moms not there. THATS all i want. My mom, thats all.. My greatest fear is dying alone..

MY GREATEST FEAR IS DYING ALONE!!

Why do I even write anything I almost know for certain that if I was eight years old.. right now and I was crying, lost in an airport----A place where the happy go to meet their families, a place where the sad go--just cause they have to... and being on this plane and walking around in Minnesota I could almost feel the coldness and the selfishness in all the strangers hearts... Its as though they all look right through me---even though they never notice me with there eyes.. I can almost feel that they know I have no one to come home too. and I can almost hear them laughing at me/mocking me.... Thinking fondly of their lover or their friend or their family whom they will soon see.. and I WONT..

I took the seroquel, I cant handle this.. LET ME OFF.. GOD LET ME OFF.. Dont let the cab driver hurt me.. I know im going back to a Rat Hole-U dont need to remind me..

WHY WONT SOMEONE PROTECT ME???

So, this is an entry that I wrote on my first flight to Minnesota... before I freaked out and wrote the journal above.. This is early in the morning.. 8:30..on the plane..

Its really hard not to use "I" in this. Well, im in the air right now, over some odd state heading to Minnesota. The plane left San Fran and goes north through Nevada and WYOMING! and SOUTH DAKOTA!  DAMN!! (Just places ive never been) Theres snow on the ground (pretty) Most likely the last snow I'll see for a while. Im tryin to think of some humerous antidode about traveling. (Well its 11 am central and I just had a miller lite for 5 bucks) and a pepsi--bet im gonna pee soon. There is a lady walking her stupid screaming baby up and down the isle. I got lucky, this flight I got the window seat and the person next to me is one seat over--YEAH!! Hes some scruffy looking guy) U know, I guess for "Old 31 year old morons like me who take the same flight over and over (even though ive always been scared of flying) (to be honest i really think that God and my parents are holding up the plane) (I have the mysterious angle charm that was left on my flight to California around my neck)--(Oh dear turbulance) I guess any humerous observation that I would have is that coach class on a plane is kinda like riding on a nasty city bus. Theres no Fucking room--you have no clue what loser is gonna sit next to you.

Oh, im out of observations, i stayed up all night.. I wrote some real odd sex stuff the other night... Oh well... So far im not quite as depressed as I thought I would be... MY VAG HURTS THOUGH!!

I need to discuss two things.. the movie Jesus camp and the internet film zeigt geist---just a reminder to myself..

Oh yeah, my mommy, when we would fly she used to look out at the clouds and tell that I was looking at heaven, and angels were up here in the clouds playing the harp like she wanted to. I guess I could talk about a personal relationship with christ--via the Jesus Camp movie--SCARY FUNDAMINALIST!!! That will never be religion to me.. On the day before new years eve, Paul and me were scheduled to go to the snow (sierras) for two days. Well, i broke the cough syrup rules again. I drank a bottle and a half--and once again I was in terrible fear for my life. So, before I took the epicac syrup which made me barf about ten times... I was talking to who I believe is my personal savior... I was not bargaining for my life---like some do... but more trying to give him reasons to save my butt from hospilization.. I wasnt saying... Oh lord if u save me from hospilization tonight I promise to do this and this..... Basically i was saying... Wait a Sec... U know I have to take care of Georgie. U know my dream is to write a book--im not quite done yet.....

IF U READ ALL THAT CONGRATS TO U>>>>>>

Online Casino 

Does a Religious School Screw Up a Kid?

ME IN FIFTH GRADE (IM IN THE PINK DRESS AT GRACE ST. LUKES SCHOOL).
well im not sure if im flying out tomorrow or not. Theres been a problem with the folks who are taking care of the cats, so I might possibly be screwed.  wow, my robitussion isnt working. I only found one bottle at walgreens last night. I was gonna use it for the flight, but i decided I needed it now.  "Gee, I wonder how come as soon as walgreens stocks the correct type of robitussion, It just disappears from the shelves???? Probably cause every black person in my hood is sypin syrup too.. But they have other drugs to do their syrup with.. Cant i get some weed?? i mean, im here in the weed capital of the earth.. maybe i should sign back up for Suicide Girls.. but its 4 bucks a month!! ugh!! I mean im just not makin any money from that damn southern charms site..

Well, anyway, back to the point of this journal.. I cannot figure out how to get my printer/scanner to work right so the photo above remains little..

Oh well, anywayas i said. Does a religious school fuck up a kid? The photo above is of my fifth grade class at Grace St. Lukes School. My father took me out of (the only public school that i ever attended) knight road elementary. Dad decided (against my will) to put me into Grace St. Lukes. I even had to repeat the fifth grade. I was left back, because my public school wasnt up to the HIGH standards of GSL. So, i went from being happy and being able to wear whatever I wanted and have my hair however i wanted to being an 11-year old girl who had to wear A DRESS EVERYDAY!!  and follow a strict code of rules.  NOt to mention, these kids drove me into a mental hospital (because i was not as rich as they were) (because i was unusual looking and had an unusual name) Annemieke. (and cause i had a big nose) before my nose job..

Now, i would love to point out a few of the kids in the photo, and i might.. but.. what im trying to understand within myself is, if my years of private "religious" education fucked me up now.. at 31.. What im saying is.. for the rest of my life I went to private christian schools.. (they all had a dress code and they all had basically a few cliques)...    See, when your in a private school, you only have a few options for friends.. U have to be rich and you have to be preppy and you have to be pretty.   (basically thats the only clique)  However, in a public school you have all kinds of cliques and all kinds of DIFFERENT kids.. and there are much more opportunities to fit in.

especially when a person is in high school.. this is a critical time for teenagers.. Now, my individuality finally emerged after my mom was diagnosed with cancer, but i was 22! I decided i was comfortable being a "goth" type. I wanted the piercings and tattoos and big pants and big shirts and a shaved head.. (unfortunatly, in the ADULT world.. piercings and tats are not cool...  Its damn near impossible to get a job with piercings.. even a shitty job.. 

So, my arguement is if my individuality had not been smushed by the dress codes and the rich cliques at these religious schools.. would I have gotten the piercing and tattoo and wierd hair phase out of my system as a teenager.. so i wouldnt be "stuck" in it as an adult???

Fueling the question, just because its a "private" school doesnt mean its the best place for a child to go. Private schools do not let kids be themselves.. they limit how a child can look and act and who a child can hang around with.. thus making a childs individuaitly emerge at a MUCH LATER AGE. than its supposted to.

on the other side, yes some public schools are dangerous. but not all of them..  I really do think that being so limited in my horizons at these private schools... Grace St. Lukes.. (the one in the photo)  names..well it was also a mostly boys school.. only a few girls.. Melissa Hamner (the chick in the purple jumper). she was mean..Lauren Wilson.. (the little darling of the school is the girl with the blond hair) MEAN..   and Karen Warner who followed me to another private school.. she has the black hair....She wasnt mean to me..  (however she wondered how i came to my next school.. woodland presbyterian... She asked me if i transferred straight from Grace St Lukes.. Well no... Karen.. I came from a mental hospital... HERE IS MY JUNIOR HIGH CLASS AT WOODLAND..

lets see, i wish this photo wasnt so small.. KELLY PEARSON. second row.. red shirt is beside me.. she was a hellish person....  most everyone at this school was... except for AMBER JOHNSON..(far left) im still looking for her wondering what happened to her.



Well. the point is.. private VS. public.. I think private schools fuck up kids more than a public school?? any comments??

A few of my youtube videos.. moms grave and shelby farms

  HI THERE FOLKS, I REALIZE MOST PEOPLE DONT REALLY WATCH YOUTUBE VIDEOS ON A BLOG, BUT HERE ARE TWO, ONE THAT IS REAL IMPORTANT TO ME, I MADE IT WHEN MY EX-BOYFRIEND PAUL CAME TO MEMPHIS TO VISIT ME BACK IN NOVEMBER OF 2007, WE WENT TO VISIT MY MOMS GRAVE AND BASICALLY TOOK A TOUR AROUND MEMORIAL PARK FUNERAL HOME AND CEMETARY HERE IN MEMPHIS, I HAVE MUSIC BY THE BEATLES AND MADONNA. THE VIDEO ON THE BOTTOM WAS JUST MY ATTEMPT AT BEING CREATIVE, IT WAS ALSO DONE WHEN PAUL CAME FOR A VISIT IN NOVEMBER, I USED TO BE ABLE TO ROLLERBLADE AROUND THIS HUGE PARK CALLED SHELBY FARMS HERE IN MEMPHIS, BUT I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO IN A LONG TIME, BASICALLY CAUSE IM SCARED TO LEAVE MY HOUSE AND CAUSE IM REALLY OUTTA SHAPE, BUT IT WAS NICE TO REMEMBER WHEN I COULD..

 

 

 

Morphine Withdrawal RIGHT NOW!

this is very hard to write, but I thought I should document whats going on for posterity.  Ive been off the morphine that ive been taking for years for severe vaginal pain, because there was no doctor in  Memphis that could get me in.... I thought i wouldnt have any withdrawal because ive been going down from 90 mg to 60 mg and finally to 30mg for about a month..   I have some Lame medication called clonidine that is supposted to help, but it doesnt really. 

Right now, since I have had no pill for about 2 days, withdrawal symtoms started yesterday basically, even though i have the clonidine.  The clonidine only stops the nausea and the cold and hot sweats.  The doctor said that my vaginal pain would most likely get much worse as my body adjusts to not having any pain medication in my brain.. and god thats true... Im popping Ibuprofen and tylenol like candy, but its not working really.  The symptoms of RLS, as well as the dripping of the nose and the watering of the eyes started last night.  RLS is Restless Leg Syndrome, it keeps me from sleeping. My legs feel like they  need to move, even though they arent supposted to.  ALso, now here sunday at 5 pm, my entire body feels so weak. This is a big symptom. I find it hard to move, however most of my body has RLS. Paul is still here, he went to get the refill of the clonidine. I wanna cry and i wanna scream, i feel so bad and its not fair.

I ruined pauls last two days here, we were gonna go shooting at rangemaster with my .38.  Rangemaster is an indoor gun range, Paul has never shot a handgun before, but its not gonna happen.

guilt makes the vaginal pain worse too, Ive been rocking back and forth while he was in the shower. This really isnt right, i feel so tired that it basically takes energy to breath.  Im not a drug dealer, im not a drug addict. Ive been taking the morphine because of real pain. Its not right for me to have to indure the pain and the withdrawal. Most medication sites say the worst of the withdrawal will be over in three days, but Paul leaves on Tuesday.. I let him down.. I always let him down..

This is bad, its really bad... its hard to know what else to say, only that i dont know how much longer i'll feel so sick.   The vaginal pain is INCREDIBLE.  It burns and stings and aches and theres nothing i can do to stop it, once the withdrawal ends, the vaginal pain will keep on going.. God, i pray it wont be as severe as it is now. If it is, i'll be totally bedridden.

All this, because Im back in a city that doest believe in legitamate pain medication.  My psychiatrist was sad for me at my last appointment. Hes an old jewish guy, he didnt think it was right that I had to go through this and he told me that he doesnt understand why most pain doctors here dont believe in continuous pain medication management.

but everything went wrong, he reffered me to a pain doctor who was in the same building, but i called the doctor and he is retiring. that was my last hope, I saw a specalist back in october, the guy manages vulvodynia, but does not give pain meds.  He told me i had to be off my pain medication and basically experience all the pain for six months before he would attempt any rehabiltion of the area.

my only hope is christmas, paul said i fly back and try to get my california pain doc to see me.  But that is weeks away, and if the pain continues I cant sit for three hours on a plane.

I really need some prayer by anyone who reads this, please pray for me, I couldnt make it to church today, obviously, but i need a higher powers help, that is my only hope for relief.