This womans so-called life

What i wrote on the plane coming back from Pauls and a video of me in Minnesota

Well, im putting this in the "travel" category... except it probably should be in the category of "terror" and "sadness"  This lame short video above is from Sunday Jan 6, 2008, I was outside the Minneapolis/st paul airport.  I was out in California for the holidays.. from Dec 22, to Jan 6.... so i basically just got back to Memphis... I was out to visit PAUL... (look at my about page) The visit didnt go that great..

But, in any case... the following is what I wrote on my connecting flight from Minneapolis to Memphis.. Usually, i dont post entries this personal... but.. what the hell??

JAN 6, 2008.. On the plane

Well, Im on the plane home (I guess) and the noise is deafening. In all the time that Ive flown-so many times! I have never been seated in the VERY BACK of a TINY northwest DC9. My head (this plane only has two engines-rather than four) and my head and ear is next to the left engine. I havent slept in I guess about 30 hours and things arent going as well as they were this morning. I just popped a seroquel because I feel this tearful rage of paniac sweaping over me. Since, I have the window seat, I cried-just the kind where tears run down your face and tears are still running down my face. I know that normal people would feel about the same as I do after not sleeping for so long, and being terrified of the tiny bucket of bolts thats holding me and these Rude ass sky waitress's up in the air.... (sorry but I hate them)  Dont have to explain why---Black flight attendent is on this flight and she said to some other attendent, "Oh once this flight lands im going out to the (Memphis clubs and hyke up my skirt, girl" (SLUT, Nasty Memphis Slut)

Nevermind, I do suppose that the non-mentally ill folk who are also writing to "NO ONE" would feel such an extreme difference of emotions all in one, and then thinking (even though Im exhausted and not rational) When I finally get home--I NEED!! NO, I MUST!!! Take this fear, rage and sadness and cut myself or overdose or throw a tantrum.... because someone is supposted to be taking care of me. I dont care who it is.. I JUST WANT THEM ALIVE!!! Someone is supposted to be next to me, stopping my tears and calming my rage. SOMEONE... See thats how it works... Someone is supposted to be there at the airport to pick me up---BUT NO ONE IS--so i have to take a cab.

Someone -a human is supposted to be waiting for me--with open arms/ and food and cat food. Someone  is supposted to be there so that I can cry out my terror and not harm myself, but no one is.. No one has been there for 21 years (neither mom nor dad) thats almost all my life. I get so damn angry because moms not there. THATS all i want. My mom, thats all.. My greatest fear is dying alone..

MY GREATEST FEAR IS DYING ALONE!!

Why do I even write anything I almost know for certain that if I was eight years old.. right now and I was crying, lost in an airport----A place where the happy go to meet their families, a place where the sad go--just cause they have to... and being on this plane and walking around in Minnesota I could almost feel the coldness and the selfishness in all the strangers hearts... Its as though they all look right through me---even though they never notice me with there eyes.. I can almost feel that they know I have no one to come home too. and I can almost hear them laughing at me/mocking me.... Thinking fondly of their lover or their friend or their family whom they will soon see.. and I WONT..

I took the seroquel, I cant handle this.. LET ME OFF.. GOD LET ME OFF.. Dont let the cab driver hurt me.. I know im going back to a Rat Hole-U dont need to remind me..

WHY WONT SOMEONE PROTECT ME???

So, this is an entry that I wrote on my first flight to Minnesota... before I freaked out and wrote the journal above.. This is early in the morning.. 8:30..on the plane..

Its really hard not to use "I" in this. Well, im in the air right now, over some odd state heading to Minnesota. The plane left San Fran and goes north through Nevada and WYOMING! and SOUTH DAKOTA!  DAMN!! (Just places ive never been) Theres snow on the ground (pretty) Most likely the last snow I'll see for a while. Im tryin to think of some humerous antidode about traveling. (Well its 11 am central and I just had a miller lite for 5 bucks) and a pepsi--bet im gonna pee soon. There is a lady walking her stupid screaming baby up and down the isle. I got lucky, this flight I got the window seat and the person next to me is one seat over--YEAH!! Hes some scruffy looking guy) U know, I guess for "Old 31 year old morons like me who take the same flight over and over (even though ive always been scared of flying) (to be honest i really think that God and my parents are holding up the plane) (I have the mysterious angle charm that was left on my flight to California around my neck)--(Oh dear turbulance) I guess any humerous observation that I would have is that coach class on a plane is kinda like riding on a nasty city bus. Theres no Fucking room--you have no clue what loser is gonna sit next to you.

Oh, im out of observations, i stayed up all night.. I wrote some real odd sex stuff the other night... Oh well... So far im not quite as depressed as I thought I would be... MY VAG HURTS THOUGH!!

I need to discuss two things.. the movie Jesus camp and the internet film zeigt geist---just a reminder to myself..

Oh yeah, my mommy, when we would fly she used to look out at the clouds and tell that I was looking at heaven, and angels were up here in the clouds playing the harp like she wanted to. I guess I could talk about a personal relationship with christ--via the Jesus Camp movie--SCARY FUNDAMINALIST!!! That will never be religion to me.. On the day before new years eve, Paul and me were scheduled to go to the snow (sierras) for two days. Well, i broke the cough syrup rules again. I drank a bottle and a half--and once again I was in terrible fear for my life. So, before I took the epicac syrup which made me barf about ten times... I was talking to who I believe is my personal savior... I was not bargaining for my life---like some do... but more trying to give him reasons to save my butt from hospilization.. I wasnt saying... Oh lord if u save me from hospilization tonight I promise to do this and this..... Basically i was saying... Wait a Sec... U know I have to take care of Georgie. U know my dream is to write a book--im not quite done yet.....

IF U READ ALL THAT CONGRATS TO U>>>>>>

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TO DADDY:MY FUCKING EX.. I CALL HIM DADDY..

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A COUPLE OF OTHER VIDEOS.. old street hockey game with ex and visit to santa cruz

 

STREET HOCKEY GAME--------------Well, this is a 30 minute street hockey game between me and my ex. I would say we played around summer 2005. Its rather boring, the entire thing.. so i suggest that you fast forward, There are some pretty good spills in here as well as shoots of my thin and lovely 2005 boobs!.. Yipeee! THERES SOME BRIEF NUDITY IN HERE GUYS...

 HEY FOLKS THIS VIDEO CAME FROM ONE OF MY MILLIONS OF TRIPS TO CALIFORNIA, OUT TO SEE MY EX-BOYFRIEND, I DONT KNOW WHY WE KEEP DOING IT< FLYING ACROSS THE COUNTRY EVERY FEW MONTHS TO SEE EACH OTHER.. I MEAN TECHNICALLY IM SINGLE.. BUT AS FAR AS A FRIEND AND RELATIVE STANDPOINT HES ALL I GOT.

Some things that happened on my trip back to california, including lame poem about him and video

It sucks that i dont have my photos and my video back from Pauls computer yet... So since i dont.. I'll just mention some CUTE things that happened while I was there. The first picture is baby charlie---He was my first kitten that I got from Paul around 2005.. Sadly, he became an outdoor cat and is now the big Bombay in the next pic. I went ahead and gave Charlie to Paul... Charlie is pretty damn funny.. hes the kind of outdoor cat that LOVES to big presents inside... So, i found this photo of a GIANT ASS CALIFORNIA MOTH!! Charlie brought us two of these bohemath things! Alive, of course.. He also brought me four praying mantasis... and the worst of all.. A TINY BABY SPARROW!.. I have no clue, how charlie got that little bird into the house without hurting it at all---because Charlie is a bird eater!.. but, he decided to bring me a live baby bird... So, the poor little thing was hopping all over the house.... and I was dead asleep from bein drunk--of course...

So, i heard a rustle in the closet and i thought for sure it was one of those MASSIVE MOTHS.. but it wasnt... and I hit the poor little thing on the head with a book.. several times... I felt so so bad!!! He wasnt really hurt so i finally got him in a pan and he flew back up into the tree. Sadly, charlie was still after the poor thing.. after i got him in the tree.. so that was sorta NUTS..

The next thing that was pretty cool was a LARGE QUEEN praying mantis.. just like this one... I didnt take this photo, but i have some photos of the one that I had.. Just gotta get them sent... Anyway, she showed up on the screen door and i thought for sure that she was pregnant, because another really really small mantis had laid its eggs on the screen door about two years before. Some say Mantis's bring good luck. I dont know about that... but I just loved this bug! AND I HATE BUGS!! she hung out on the door basically almost a week and a half.. She was so docile that I COULD PET HER! When i picked her up, she never bit me.. I really wanted to bring her back with me.. cause she was so unique and cool... but Paul said that she left the screen door.. right after I flew home.. kinda weird.. maybe she really wanted to be my pet.. its weird but i'll sorta miss her..   I ACCIDENTLY TOOK OUT THE PART ABOUT THE TSAVO LIONS.. THESE WERE TWO FEMALE MAN EATERS WHO ATE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IN THE EARLY 1900's.. TSAVO IN AFRICAN MEANS "PLACE OF THE SLAGHTER"  A MAN NAMED "PATTERSON" FINALLY KILLED OFF THE MAN-EATERS...   COULD BE A RELATIVE OF MINE. HEY!  ALSO< THIS TRUE STORY IS THE BASIS FOR THE MOVIE "THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS"  I HAVENT SEEN IT.. BUT I WANT TO...

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TO PAUL:


FLY AWAY HEART

We were together six years, longer than some people are married;
we met on the Internet in a club for the depressed.
We had our good times,
I still dream of his hand intertwined within my small fingers,
laying my tired head on his chest and listening to him breath.
Soft kisses on my face and tingling emotions.
Laughing and playing in the snow, during the season,
cuddling by the fire with our hot cocoa.
Walking on the beach barefoot, arm and arm.
Holidays and birthdays, cooking together, partying together,
Running my hands through his soft hair.

Sadly, we had lots of bad times to,
I got a chronic illness which made closeness impossible,
also my mental illness got terribly out of hand
I felt so guilty and I tried through my pain to be who he wanted.
I seemed that we both "gave" and "gave" until we just had
absolutely nothing left.
He said that, "He doesn't love me anymore"
despite all we both went through together
I still love him and my heart is empty
There are so many memories
I used to belong to him,
and he used to belong to me
Someday he will belong to someone else
and I will be forced to just forget
but i won't.

I MISS YOU PAUL.. YOUR EX LITTLE BOO BOO, ANNA

 

 

Paul taking me back across the country to Memphis after the breakup

Well, we did drive back across the country, I didnt take many pictures, these are some of the few. Its Obviously a crater--It was near Flagstaff Arizona,, They also had a space museam, so there my ex on the moon, down there in the last photo. i Think its called,Sunset Crater. The lady at the tourist center was really nice, she even gave me her little plastic frog that was on her register. I bought a dorky "arizona" spoon and a shot glass.

We basically stopped in,flagstaff.. it took five days in a motor home with six cats, Also, Albuquerque, NM, Amarillo, TX ,   El Reno, OK.. just outside Oklahoma City, Conway, arkansas.. I think that was all,

Only one cool thing happened, we were looking for a place to park the RV, and we came upon an extremely dark parking area at about 2 am. I said it looked dangerous and i didnt wanna stay.. but these next photos are kinda boring, they are just showing how abandoned it was.  There were a few trucks parked there, it looked just like a horror movie..  I was creeped out so I got out of the RV with the (sword) knife that i got in Reno, NV--our last trip together.  There was an abandoned Cafe, and also what looked like an abandoned strip club.. in the very back there was a "MOTEL" sign.. Looked like bates motel.. During the day, we found out it was an hourly motel.. So, it was basically a secret, "porn" "screw" and "eat" place. It was totally off the interstate.. Like NO ONE would see U scream, type of deal.

We didnt stay there, we found a rest stop further down the road and came back in the morning. God, u just had to be there that night.. (it was the creepest place ive ever seen)

This is the creepy "bates motel sign" that was not lite at all.

This is the creepy cafe sign..

this is obviously the broken down sign, that used to be an RV Park.

There was no "gas" off course, this is the hourly motel by the strip club

This is an abandoned RV park.. right next to it..

a final truck left there..

DOESNT IT REMIND U OF A HORROR MOVE SCENIRIO... "stupid people" US.. accidently come upun this abandon area in the night.. but its really a place where the folks from "house of 1000 corpes live.

RENO, first getaway in a while..Paul and mes. last west getaway

Okay i cant find a photo of Reno to save my ass which isnt a bmp. anyway, we went out there this weekend.It was a long four hour drive but the scenery was really nice. We didnt take any pictures. It was nice to get out of CA for memorial day, but as normal i was sick and my VV pain has just been unbearable this past week. Um, it wasnt that great a place really. It looked just like tunica, MS. Actually, Tunica is a lot less skangy than reno. We stayed on the 29th floor of some hotel called the silver legacy. I liked it cause U could smoke in the gambling area.. We hung around "circus circus" casino a lot because it had a kids video game area and some cute little shows.

There was an airbrush shirt place there which was making a KILLING. U know airbrushed shirts from the 1980's, so after multiple tries, i finally got MY kick ass shirt. I picked a unicorn pattern because when i was in the third grade i got an airbrushed unicorn shirt for my birthday. So, it says R.I.P Mommy 1939-2000, and then under the unicorn it says R.I.P DAD 1939-1994.. I really love the shirt.

So, we ate at about three buffetts, I tried not to get too loaded, but we got loaded on food, man.. So monday we shopped outside and went into different casinos to play the dumb ass slots. We didnt win.. paul spent about 50 bucks gambling.. actually he did win a lot of quarters.

So as we were shopping we went into a pawn shop.. they had guns guns and guns.There was a gun that cost 10,000 dollars!!! an old civil war pistol or something,

so, we got to talking to the shop owner about guns in nevada and he said if we were nevada citizens.. we could walk out of there with a gun in our hand..no waiting, no anything! now thats my kinda state!

So, i bought myself a HUGE (semi dull) sword almost.. its so Long. it came in a sheath and it is bad ass looking. it cost about 40 bucks. but it can still do some major damage to a human.

So, thats about all that happened..
Um, ive been two days sober.. no one cares..I have a meeting with the priest at St. Albans on Monday, so i pray i make it and i pray it goes well.

"

Things are totally fucked/relationship breaking

Things have totally changed since may 7th.. Paul and i had another fight.. a big one.. It was about the fact that he was jacking off to porn other than the PORN thats on my sites.. even though i am sorta a porn star! and that he was totally embarrassed about that fact, and that he was totally upset that i wasnt giving him sex, and that Im not who he is looking for-blah blah.. So, for three days i didnt wake up at all, i was so depressed.   That porn shit, yeah its not good.. but it could be a lot worse!  So, i said to myself through screaming tears last week that i needed some help-... that i needed to do something for myself.... So, again i started looking for therapists, i havent found any that will take me, so i am in the giving up mode. Then i called the church, down the street-st. albins... hoping for a meeting with the pastor.. They didnt return my call.. So, it looks like i have to take the bullet by the horns and head down to church  to ask for a meeting... LIke i said, just everything has changed.. 

  YESTERDAY WAS THE END ALL TO END ALL.. I MEAN MONDAY WE WERE FINE.. LAUGHING AND MESSING AROUND AND THEN YESTERDAY SOME BLUE CROSS OF TN INSURANCE FORMS CAME IN THE MAIL.... "THE FORMS WANTED PROOF THAT I WAS A TN RESIDENT" WELL, PAUL WALKS IN THE DOOR, AND I SAY... "WHAT SHOULD I DO? ABOUT THIS INSURANCE. IT ONLY GIVES ME A MONTH TO FIX IT.... WELL. THE FIRST THING OUT OF THE FUCKERS MOUTH WAS, "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LIVE HERE WITH ME FOREVER, NOT EVEN CLOSE"     So, I said, FINE.. now until i find a therapist who can help me deal with leaving my new home state and help me deal with leaving you than we are roomates. Roomates do not sleep in the same bed... and we haven't   Roomates do not work on sexual problems... so thats over..  all roomates do is just say "hi" to each other once in a while...
Papa vic.. why is this happening to me? I am a good christian gurl. My entire life i have been a victim.. I thought when i met paul in late 2001.... that finally my mental illness and my life would get so much better....
Pauls apperance is nothing to cry over, certainly... hes 49 with a pot belly and a balding head.. he has zits all over his back and front and his ass leaks Dookey....
But,  i know what will happen... i will go back to the ghetto and within a weekend... the bastard will find someone to have a one-night stand with.. I wish that I could stab him.. you know like thousands of times.. or i wish he would have an accident and two semi trucks would mash his little suburu.. and he would be nothing but a box of ashes.
See, the ass hole gave me a life...around 2003-2004, we went skiing... to water parks, to skate parks, to san francisco... Up until then, I had been sitting in my Ghetto house in Memphis for Three god damn years.. doing nothing.. Afraid to go to the grocery store..... And here we go again.... Are you religous?   I am.. and i hate my God for this..  Only the nasty and the distrustful are the ones who rule on this earth..   People like me, i am destined for hell for the rest of my pitiful life... " />

Couples Counseling..

Well, since paul told he wanted to go to couples couseling... I guess he said it monday.. is been terrible pain. I called the couselor myself, even though i love him and i dont want to go.... but.. ive tried hard to numb the pain.. ive been drinking A LOT since MOnday.. I cut the left side of my arm to shreds-(thats my cutting arm) Ive been playing with medications, just to try and stop hurting. Today, i took an OD of clonopin. Just so, i could fall back asleep and not think about it.

Today, i did a ton of chores.. thinking it might make him temporaliy happy. I vacuumed, I cleaned off his desk (the one with all the change on it) so you can see it now.. I sweeped up the kitchen, I emptyed the garbage. Then, i did some laundry and i put to much in, so the machine over-flowed.. now, i have to expalin that to him..

I dont care, how many drugs i take, i just wanna crawl into bed and he invisable (as if having the covers over my head will somehow protect me, I dont know why he hates me so much,,, i know that im very negative.. i dont compromise well, I promised i would change... But change takes time (perhaps i dont have any more time.. to be who he wants.

The pain will never stop.. i do not care. what happens to me.. not a treat,, just the truth.  I talked to my roomate today, she said she really hopes things work out... (and to make sure i give her 30 days notice if they dont.

I did something bad too, I was drunk and i registerd on e-harmony.com.  I feel realy guity, but if things cannot work out,, i want to find someone else.. before the heartache really does kill me.

Chris said,, "she hopes i dont have to come back home, because there is nothing for me there. and i know that. even with a counselors help.. will he give me another chance? counseling is extremlly painful,, because the truth comes out. I dont feel ready..

I cant seem to count on God either.. all i want is to be unconsious, so i cant feel this.. I am like a little kid, about to loss my thrid parent. I dont think theres room in my heart for that..

I hope that, my mixing of drugs.. will turn into an accident. suicide now, is the only way out, that i can think of.

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"

In a hotel folks! feel sad..

Come and visit my erotic diary at Photoconfessions

 
Blah, so im up in Murphy's California, in murphys suites, I guess im going sledding tomorrow or something.  I got up here fine, I feel like crap, but i got here feeling okay (i mean depression wise)  Then i just sorta crashed. I feel like killing myself. I dont think ive ever updated from a computer that wasnt at home. (weird)   Its just like everytime were at a hotel Paul expects something... sexual.. and I wanna like give it to him sometime (but man im down suddenly)  I dont know whats wrong with me, maybe im sexually just incapable of anything. It eats away at me everytime we go to any motel.. We are up in the snow.. except its not snowing here, we have to go up  higher. 

Paul thinks im down here smoking and i was... The secret garden is on some HBO family channel that we dont get... Hes probably up there satisfing himself.  I feel odd.. like the front desk is right next to me. i just need something to make me feel better about myself.  I was really stoked when i got here and saw the suite... now i just wanna go to bed.

God, what i am asexual? its scary. I worry so much.. about the sex problems.. about everything. I know things can always get worse. I worry i have breast cancer,   cause my right breast hurts like a lot.

Well, I am really on a self-hatred spree.  if only paul knew that.. coming up here we listened to a CD that we made in 2004.. I seemed so  happy and so did he.  Depression is such a killer..  the folks in the media who have been spreading the message.. like rosie o donnel (i think are complete losers)    they have no clue what it really feels like.

oh well back upstairs to my sexless night.. COme along guilt... I got a big place for you too...

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Ah earthquake at Pauls.. 07

So we just had a small earthquake here a 4.2 at about 8:40 pm. apparently, it was REALLY near us. The news says, it was the Hayward fault line which runs right under the Berkeley Campus. So, I would say berkeley is around 40-45 miles away from Brentwood. It seems to be a gigantic deal on the news anyway. Seems to be the biggest earthquake since (some northridge earthquake) I of course have only been here 3 years so i have never felt one.  I did feel one when i was a kid in Memphis, Memphis sits on the New Madrid Fault  and is one of the most dangerous fault lines in the country.

So, the quake i felt at home was about the same size as this one.  I was sitting on the bed watching Dr. Phil and then I just felt the bed move, only for a couple of seconds. At first i thought,  "oh its one of the cats scratching real hard or fighting or something, I felt two sorta soft jolts and then i thought (duh that was an earthquake)  right then the news came on and interupped.   So, then about a half hour later paul and me were both sitting on the bed and we heard a big ass thumping noise coming from the laundry room. That was the aftershock which was only 1.8, but it seemed bigger than the inital quake.

Well that was pretty cool! i have been missing my tornado sirens at home.. Anyway, the folks on the news seem pretty nervous about it, they hav ent   shut up about it yet and its 9:30.  Actually, the memphis quake that i felt was a  lot stronger, not in magnitute but the entire house seemed to jolt a couple of times and all the stuff in the attic sounded like it was coming through the ceiling.  (I was scared shitless)

And of course being someone who used to work with "records"  seismograph charts.... at ceri  Center for earthquake research and info in Memphis I am just such an expert....    well, NOT i got fired,,, but i guessed the magnitute right.

Shit, i dont wanna be here for the so called "big one" but paul has lived in n. ca his entire life and he has only felt the big loma priata quake which was in 1989 and a few small ones and thats 48 years!   So, quakes really dont happen out here as often as folks think!

Well, that was sorta unique, so i thought i should write it.... honestly, the other four cats didnt seem to care, but a few hours before Sydney was walking around the house going MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW and she wouldnt shut up.... one thing she never moves around!   especially for an hour at a time.. so she must have sensed something..

okay, i gotta go tally up the damage-----HA HA...

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