This womans so-called life

"Chillin.. in the graveyard..

Well, folks you can actually go take a look at "Poor Punky's" altar ego "Virgin Rose" at www.photoconfessions.comYou know they have been ripping me off for years! I just know it! I joined them way before I charmed Southern Charms and Ive Never seen a dime! but you can see me for 6 dollars...

 

Well folks here I am just a sittin.. and chillin.. in the my mom's graveyard around this September (because that was the last time Paul was here) and I only usually go when hes here, dont know why because the grave is only about 20 minutes away. I reckon im running out of things, or i never really did have anything else that i havent already said to my mom.

I feel that i must represent this page from a quote from JOHN DENVER, "I KNOW THAT THIS LIFE IS WORTH LIVIN, YES I DO, BUT SOMETIMES IT JUST ISNT FAIR" Nope, its not fair, and this picture isnt really "fair" Its usually supposted to be the the 45-99 year old woman whos looking down at her moms grave, not a 22-year old girl......NOW 32 of course, but you get the idea!! maybe, perhaps you do!

anyway here I am adusting the plastic flowers that Paul and I put on the grave last year around the anniversary of her death. I hadnt been to the graveyard for almost a year, so I was totally shocked that our one year old flowers were rotting and hadnt been touched at all. I was very sad, this most likely means that no one else had been by in over a year, and I think that really sucks! Her friends should at least come to visit, even though it has been 8 years.

You know I think a lot about what would happen if I went to heaven and I saw my mom now. I think it would be reallly scary and odd. I mean i havent seen her in 9 years! Imagine not seeing your parents for that long. Basically nothing has changed for me (job wise) or residence wise, i did graduate from college in 2005 and she missed that, but even though things are pretty much the same as they were 9 years ago, Im not the same as i was, im a totally different person. and i know that shes a totally different pereon  from the woman who died. the woman that I knew as my mother from ages 1-22, shes not there anymore, i know she has changed. So anyway, its a weird thing to think about.

I was gonna put another pic, its a closeup of the symbol on moms grave, apparently the graveyard lets you choose little symbols that you want on the persons grave, like a baseball, for a sports fan, a cross for a religious person, an airplane for someone who loved flying... Hers was picked out by my uncle, its an angel woman putting a necklace on a little girl. i wonder if it didnt start out to mean anything, or it just evolved into meaning something, but i kinda see in it my mom keeping the cross the she gave me--which I always wear--around my neck... I dont know....

 

YOUR SO-CALLED LIFE GIRL 

The shut in-s dreams and supernatural And ANOTHER DREAM ABOUT MOM

OKAY IM LYING.. EVERYTIME ME AND THIS KITTEN SAY WE DONT CARE, IT REALLY MEANS WE CARE A SHIT LOAD!!!

 

.

I dreamed that I was asleep (exept i was asleep) in reality.... seemed as

though i was watching myself sleep--dreaming this.. I kept thinking my mom is gonna make me get up and go to church with her.. cause this is sunday.. but im really hung over.. god i hope she leaves me alone..   

then.. hard to explain.. As i was thinking this.. I felt.. my mother come into my room watch  me sleeping.    She seemed to realize.after a long period of time that. she shouldnt wake me up..

  so.. as i was watching myself sleep (and was asleep)  I could sense that she was standing over me..  she stood there for a while staring at me.. then i saw.. or felt.. hands.. i couldnt see her face.. only hands and her big ol afro.. hair..

  the hands touched me and she seemed to move in to kiss me... (as if just to leave me there cause she knew i didnt feel like going to church with her)  then in my sleep I could feel more like a spirt (her spirit) finally being satisfied to leave me be.. but that she had hugged me a proper goodbye.....  The she seemed to float down the hall and go out the side door.. on her way to church just like she did in reality on sunday..

 

never to come back in the house again.. she just seemed to float out the door.. on to church..

Im confused.. only paul will get the signigficance of this dream anyway.. shes been gone 7 years and that was the oddest dream ive ever had.. In 7 years, i only dream of her in nightmares.. horrible nightmares which repeat themselves.. a lot..  never anything like last night..NEVER.

Was i actually dreaming that i was asleep.. or was i just really asleep and she really came and hugged me goodbye and looked at me for a long time..  and then left the house??  oh man, im gonna have to think on this one some more..

Kai.. says he believes in ghosts and spirtis and paul and me have been to a lot of supposdely haunted places during our 4 years in cali.. i seem to have convinced an agnostic of spirits existance..

The extremem loss of faith last night.that i had..... maybe the dream wasnt a dream..  People just have to be more open minded.. most havent seen five dead bodies in their lifetime by the time they are 23.. 

 

 anyway, this friday and sat, i was so bored that i was looking though the massive amout of papers that belong to mom and dad.. On friday night i picked up the dresser drawer and put it in the living room... the drawer.. which contained cards that i had made for mom when i was little..  Three and four years old..

it is known that spirts cause extreme cold spots..

 well.. it took me hours to look through the stuff.. but as i sat in one particular spot on the floor in the living room and more often when i was touching the cards that i had made.. there it came. an extreme cold spot.. my house is not drafty at all.. and the heat was on full blast.. 

This has happened before, but only in the living room.. it happened in december when i took my cd player into the living room and was playing and singing christmas songs by myself........the same cold spot.. not frightening..

 but.. it came back.. and The spot was so cold. i tryed to make cold breath.. it was freezing.  It moved.. at times it was right in front of my face.. and no where else..   However it didnt wanna move anywhere else in the house.. only there..

What was that dream of last night?? has it finally come true.. did she really come? did she really kiss me goodbye? man.. hard shit.. just dont know..

..

was she really there??? did she finally give me the goodye i wanted..was it real?



even if she did come and it was real, I will not be at peace.... i will only be at peace... (when the unthinkable) what seems to happen to only a select few of lucky people....   when i sit up in bed.... and in front of me.. is her spirit.. whole.. and dressed in the blue dress that she was buried in... with sydney in her lap.... and I am terrified at first.... but.. then words from the spirt.... I love you and i am at peace.... you be at peace... and go on without me... only for a while.... and then she puts me back to sleep... and i wake up and i know what i saw.. only then...  will there ever be peace for me..

 

 

ANOTHEr DREAM ABOUT MY Mom

 

 

Well, when i was

drunk the other day and felt a bit better, i tried to improve my LJ, with stuff from Photobucket. Damn, thats a great site!  I should have joined a long time ago.  Anyway, my "BIG" update is a dream. One of many dreams.    I say, "When you feel bad and you are with someone you hate, hell just sleep, i dont know"   However, be sure to listen to the Eurythmutics---"THESE DREAMS"
OKay, so in six years i have never had a good dream about my mother, but i firmly believe that TODAY!!! drum role please.. i finally had one...   SHES THE ANGEL IN THE DUMB  PHOTO..      So, i dreamed that "in the arms of the angels" by fuck what is her name? Sheryl crow.. no, im not sure was playing  and i was faking that i was asleep (when i was asleep)   and my mom was rubbing my head to the tune of that song.   (that was the dream)  but to someone who dreams about their mother with dead kittens, spiders, snakes, all kinds of gross shit.. that was wonderful.. It really was.. It felt very real.. it did..

I figure, if someones words can escatle and make a person feel as though she has to burn herself,,, a burn the size of a nickel.. Which was a blister, but just poped and OW!!! Then i can go home.. for a bit..
I just need stength.. if anyone on this site is christian,.. i need strenght... and AA.. and a lot moreKOOL MOM DREAMS

 

 

Hopeless, mothers day is really tough!

I had to drive myself to my pain doctor today, I was scared of the driving part.. I think i have a UTI. I keep peeing constantly. But Dr. Zheng couldnt check it. Georgie is sick.. but he has no visable symtoms. His nose is warm and he doesnt wanna be touched, but hes eating and drinking okay.. so i dont know..  Thank god theres only 5 more days of mothers day commercials.. they are agonizing to watch..  They make me SO angry and so hurt and i dont have an outlet.  Just a bottle... U know, one mothers day about 2002- I was still friends with Neely Keltner.  So, we were at the mall, and Neely was just walking around trying to find her mom a mothers day present---not one comment came out of her mouth as to the effect that she was maybe "sorry that i had no mom to buy for"   So, i couldnt take it.. while Neely was in a store, i sat on a bench, pulled out a razor, and by the time she got back i had blood all over me--in a public place... Neely was furious.. I never even got to tell her why i did it..
I dont think anyone will ever understand me, it really does seem hopeless. I really miss mom.. but i am coming to terms with the fact that she is disappering.. I forget her voice, her face, her smell.. she is slowly fading from my memory..
God, i really hate mothers day..

Feb 13. 07, promise to try by madonna

I know noone knows me or cares or anything, but i lost my mom to cancer 6 years ago when i was 22, ive never gotten over it and im 30 now, This song is just exactly how i feel about my mom deaths. it still hurts a lot.  MissAnnaJeanette.

My YOU TUBE COMMENT.


SONG OF MY GREATEST COMFORT

PROMISE TO TRY,


Little girl don't you forget her face
Laughing away your tears
When she was the one who felt all the pain

Little girl never forget her eyes
Keep them alive inside
I promise to try -- it's not the same

Keep your head held high -- ride like the wind
Never look behind, life isn't fair
That's what you said, so I try not to care

Little girl don't run away so fast
I think you forgot to kiss -- kiss her goodbye

Will she see me cry when I stumble and fall
Does she hear my voice in the night when I call
Wipe away all your tears, it's gonna be all right

I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you'd go away, too

Little girl you've got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try -- but it feels like a lie

Don't let memory play games with your mind
She's a faded smile frozen in time
I'm still hanging on -- but I'm doing it wrong
Can't kiss her goodbye -- but I promise to try.

Come and visit my erotic diary at Photoconfessions 

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Moms 65th birthday!

December 12th, 2006

thanks dr, Zheng and happy b-dy mom!

location: PAULS PAD....

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mood: sick

music: Christmas songs running over and over and over!!!!

Well yes Today is my mothers 64th Birthday!!!!!! I hope that everyone up in heaven is living it up for a party!!  So, as for me bad bad night last night. Drank two bottles of (DEX)  lets just leave it as "I was terrified, I am still alive, Still a loser, but thankful"  Paul is sick too. He stayed home from work today. Hes been asleep on the couch basically all day. SO, I am happy it is moms b-day, but down here on earth, it seems like the angel of Death is after both Paul and me.. EEEEE...

Yesterday, i had a nice drive to Dr. Zhengs.. I played christmas songs in the car (man i can't believe its been a year since paul bought me the car stereo) !    lets just say, it hasn' been used much.   So, i was just singin along with "John Denver Christmas" and "Handels Messiah"  etc.   So, i get to dr. zhengs.. its basically just a nornal appointment....   EXCEPT!!!   (and i have mentioned my parents death to nice dr. zheng before, but I reckon she just has to many patients to remember)

So she asked what I would be doing for the holidays...   (she is of course VERY JAPANESE)   i think i can sorta finally understand after going there for a year...   "So, i said well, it will just be paul and me.... He is going up to his sisters house in Sacremento but then thats about it"

So, to continue..... she asks.. oh where your family at?   (basically)  and I told her again that I didn't have any.    However, this time was odd, its as though she finally figured me out.   She asked again, "where Your parents"  and I said   they both passed on..     And she said, "oh i did not know both parents have passed on" so i just shook my head yeah.      So then she asked, "where your siblings?"  she asked this several times because honestly she looked dumfounded by the fact that I was an only child.   (Maybe thats odd in Japan)  She basically looked at me dumfounded through the entire appointment.  (I got the message, she just could not believe that I had no family)  so then she tried to ask about aunts and uncles........I supppose she really hoped that I had some. 

And i said no,,,that i had an aunt pat on my fathers side who cared about me, but she was lost to breast cancer over a year ago,   I mentioned that i was trying to establish a relationship with an uncle.. (Uncle Henry who has dads journals)   buts thats all!

well, she gave me a great gift for christmas, as i have been paying her a lot of money for morphine for a while..    She seemed geniuenely sad and just amazed that there was  really "no one" Truely, that is one of the best gifts that i could ever receive.......    A little Japanese lady gave me what tons of therapists and psychogists have not...   (concern, understanding, sadness of the way things have turned out for me)

A gift that i will really cherish....   thats why i got up out of my death bed to write this down..   SO THANKS!!!!! DR. ZHENG AND UM.. MERRY whatever holiday they celebrate in Japan...

Oh.. P.S. Dr. ZHeng has been the only one who has actually been able to read my HUGE LEG TATTOO.. and thats awesome too. since i have had it, no one mentions it, not even in the summer.. No one has ever stopped me to ask me what it means...  (with the execption of a Drunk guy back at home in August after I graduated on Beale street last year)   

she shook her head and said.. oh never notice that before??? hmm.. then she read it in Japanese (which means it correct) and she looked at me and said Oh.. why U have that on your leg.. do U know what that mean???  (shes a little common sense slow)   shess like, that do not mean good thing...   So, i said.. it is supposted to read "Empty Soul"   and she said yeah.. that is bad...  It was cute...


Okay, i don't feel that good again....  here is one of the pictures chris sent me from home... I have been asking her to scan and e-mail some pics of my mom, so i could put it on her memorial page. .I have a lot of these pics its not like they are rare or anything.. its just that they are all at the house and I can't have chris mail something as important as pics. I cant seem to make it bigger!! Well, I would guess this is around 1979-1980. I was probably three or four.  Man, i can't believe there was ever a place in time that actually existed that was this photo. (The green shed in the back is now rusted busted (where i kicked it in)  They certainly don't make cars or pants like in the photo anymore either????? Now, the house is in the middle of the hard core hood,, when it used to be the middle of (middle) class suberia????/  And look at my little tiny feet!   those used to exisit too. and the lady holding me used to exist too. WELL HAPPY 65TH!

...

Well yes Today is my mothers 64th Birthday!!!!!! I hope that everyone up in heaven is living it up for a party!!  So, as for me bad bad night last night. Drank two bottles of (DEX)  lets just leave it as "I was terrified, I am still alive, Still a loser, but thankful"  Paul is sick too. He stayed home from work today. Hes been asleep on the couch basically all day. SO, I am happy it is moms b-day, but down here on earth, it seems like the angel of Death is after both Paul and me.. EEEEE...

Yesterday, i had a nice drive to Dr. Zhengs.. I played christmas songs in the car (man i can't believe its been a year since paul bought me the car stereo) !    lets just say, it hasn' been used much.   So, i was just singin along with "John Denver Christmas" and "Handels Messiah"  etc.   So, i get to dr. zhengs.. its basically just a nornal appointment....   EXCEPT!!!   (and i have mentioned my parents death to nice dr. zheng before, but I reckon she just has to many patients to remember)

So she asked what I would be doing for the holidays...   (she is of course VERY JAPANESE)   i think i can sorta finally understand after going there for a year...   "So, i said well, it will just be paul and me.... He is going up to his sisters house in Sacremento but then thats about it"

So, to continue..... she asks.. oh where your family at?   (basically)  and I told her again that I didn't have any.    However, this time was odd, its as though she finally figured me out.   She asked again, "where Your parents"  and I said   they both passed on..     And she said, "oh i did not know both parents have passed on" so i just shook my head yeah.      So then she asked, "where your siblings?"  she asked this several times because honestly she looked dumfounded by the fact that I was an only child.   (Maybe thats odd in Japan)  She basically looked at me dumfounded through the entire appointment.  (I got the message, she just could not believe that I had no family)  so then she tried to ask about aunts and uncles........I supppose she really hoped that I had some. 

And i said no,,,that i had an aunt pat on my fathers side who cared about me, but she was lost to breast cancer over a year ago,   I mentioned that i was trying to establish a relationship with an uncle.. (Uncle Henry who has dads journals)   buts thats all!

well, she gave me a great gift for christmas, as i have been paying her a lot of money for morphine for a while..    She seemed geniuenely sad and just amazed that there was  really "no one" Truely, that is one of the best gifts that i could ever receive.......    A little Japanese lady gave me what tons of therapists and psychogists have not...   (concern, understanding, sadness of the way things have turned out for me)

A gift that i will really cherish....   thats why i got up out of my death bed to write this down..   SO THANKS!!!!! DR. ZHENG AND UM.. MERRY whatever holiday they celebrate in Japan...

Oh.. P.S. Dr. ZHeng has been the only one who has actually been able to read my HUGE LEG TATTOO.. and thats awesome too. since i have had it, no one mentions it, not even in the summer.. No one has ever stopped me to ask me what it means...  (with the execption of a Drunk guy back at home in August after I graduated on Beale street last year)   

she shook her head and said.. oh never notice that before??? hmm.. then she read it in Japanese (which means it correct) and she looked at me and said Oh.. why U have that on your leg.. do U know what that mean???  (shes a little common sense slow)   shess like, that do not mean good thing...   So, i said.. it is supposted to read "Empty Soul"   and she said yeah.. that is bad...  It was cute...


Okay, i don't feel that good again....  here is one of the pictures chris sent me from home... I have been asking her to scan and e-mail some pics of my mom, so i could put it on her memorial page. .I have a lot of these pics its not like they are rare or anything.. its just that they are all at the house and I can't have chris mail something as important as pics. I cant seem to make it bigger!! Well, I would guess this is around 1979-1980. I was probably three or four.  Man, i can't believe there was ever a place in time that actually existed that was this photo. (The green shed in the back is now rusted busted (where i kicked it in)  They certainly don't make cars or pants like in the photo anymore either????? Now, the house is in the middle of the hard core hood,, when it used to be the middle of (middle) class suberia????/  And look at my little tiny feet!   those used to exisit too. and the lady holding me used to exist too. WELL HAPPY 65TH!

...

thanks dr, Zheng and happy b-dy mom!

Well yes Today is my mothers 64th Birthday!!!!!! I hope that everyone up in heaven is living it up for a party!!  So, as for me bad bad night last night. Drank two bottles of (DEX)  lets just leave it as "I was terrified, I am still alive, Still a loser, but thankful"  Paul is sick too. He stayed home from work today. Hes been asleep on the couch basically all day. SO, I am happy it is moms b-day, but down here on earth, it seems like the angel of Death is after both Paul and me.. EEEEE...

Yesterday, i had a nice drive to Dr. Zhengs.. I played christmas songs in the car (man i can't believe its been a year since paul bought me the car stereo) !    lets just say, it hasn' been used much.   So, i was just singin along with "John Denver Christmas" and "Handels Messiah"  etc.   So, i get to dr. zhengs.. its basically just a nornal appointment....   EXCEPT!!!   (and i have mentioned my parents death to nice dr. zheng before, but I reckon she just has to many patients to remember)

So she asked what I would be doing for the holidays...   (she is of course VERY JAPANESE)   i think i can sorta finally understand after going there for a year...   "So, i said well, it will just be paul and me.... He is going up to his sisters house in Sacremento but then thats about it"

So, to continue..... she asks.. oh where your family at?   (basically)  and I told her again that I didn't have any.    However, this time was odd, its as though she finally figured me out.   She asked again, "where Your parents"  and I said   they both passed on..     And she said, "oh i did not know both parents have passed on" so i just shook my head yeah.      So then she asked, "where your siblings?"  she asked this several times because honestly she looked dumfounded by the fact that I was an only child.   (Maybe thats odd in Japan)  She basically looked at me dumfounded through the entire appointment.  (I got the message, she just could not believe that I had no family)  so then she tried to ask about aunts and uncles........I supppose she really hoped that I had some. 

And i said no,,,that i had an aunt pat on my fathers side who cared about me, but she was lost to breast cancer over a year ago,   I mentioned that i was trying to establish a relationship with an uncle.. (Uncle Henry who has dads journals)   buts thats all!

well, she gave me a great gift for christmas, as i have been paying her a lot of money for morphine for a while..    She seemed geniuenely sad and just amazed that there was  really "no one" Truely, that is one of the best gifts that i could ever receive.......    A little Japanese lady gave me what tons of therapists and psychogists have not...   (concern, understanding, sadness of the way things have turned out for me)

A gift that i will really cherish....   thats why i got up out of my death bed to write this down..   SO THANKS!!!!! DR. ZHENG AND UM.. MERRY whatever holiday they celebrate in Japan...

Oh.. P.S. Dr. ZHeng has been the only one who has actually been able to read my HUGE LEG TATTOO.. and thats awesome too. since i have had it, no one mentions it, not even in the summer.. No one has ever stopped me to ask me what it means...  (with the execption of a Drunk guy back at home in August after I graduated on Beale street last year)   

she shook her head and said.. oh never notice that before??? hmm.. then she read it in Japanese (which means it correct) and she looked at me and said Oh.. why U have that on your leg.. do U know what that mean???  (shes a little common sense slow)   shess like, that do not mean good thing...   So, i said.. it is supposted to read "Empty Soul"   and she said yeah.. that is bad...  It was cute...


Okay, i don't feel that good again....  here is one of the pictures chris sent me from home... I have been asking her to scan and e-mail some pics of my mom, so i could put it on her memorial page. .I have a lot of these pics its not like they are rare or anything.. its just that they are all at the house and I can't have chris mail something as important as pics. I cant seem to make it bigger!! Well, I would guess this is around 1979-1980. I was probably three or four.  Man, i can't believe there was ever a place in time that actually existed that was this photo. (The green shed in the back is now rusted busted (where i kicked it in)  They certainly don't make cars or pants like in the photo anymore either????? Now, the house is in the middle of the hard core hood,, when it used to be the middle of (middle) class suberia????/  And look at my little tiny feet!   those used to exisit too. and the lady holding me used to exist too. WELL HAPPY 65TH!

...

What would have been my mom's 64/bd

December 12th, 2005

Happy Birthday Mommy!

mood: lonely

As you might be able to tell from this LOVELY gravestone, that today is my mommy's birthday. Actually, even though I have the dates of her birth and death tattooed on my wrist; I sorta forgot!!!!  I was chatting with a perv (defintion, guys with no life on instant messenger services)  Hmm, except, I was chatting with him so what does that make me?  Anyway, I happened to notice the date at about 4 this morning.  Mommy died at 59 years of age, just a few weeks from her 60th birthday; so today she would have been 65!! ( I wish you could send a birthday card to a dead person) Actually, you really can, hypothetically. Well, what have I done to celebrate mommy's birthday?  YES, THANK YOU FOR ASKING!   Lets see here, I layed in bed until noon when my favorite show "starting over comes on"  HOWEVER, first in honor of how skinny mom was all of her life; I PIGGED OUT ON SLIM FAST BARS!  (Those things are killler)  THEY ARE REALLY GOOD! How are you supposted to lose weight if you eat the entire box?? HMMM?  So, MOM I had about 600 calories in one sitting, then I ate my breakfast!  YEP! Now, i don't know what to do.  MAYBE I COULD SHAVE MY LEGS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY??   My mom and I both have, well she had excessive body hair.  When she passed, she looked a lot like a man with a full beard.  NOPE, i'm not kidding!

SO, what do 65-year olds do? If they were my mom, probably still cuss and get speeding tickets and JOIN AARP. Actually, she was already a member. I like to think, if she had lived that she would have bought an entirely new wardrobe. I WOULD HAVE MADE HER GO ON TV, TO THE SHOW WHAT NOT TO WEAR.  cause, she had some bad clothes. I think, for sure she would have been disappointed. I just got out of the ER and i am sorta in the sex business. BUT, maybe she would have put up with it, I DON'T know? I certainly would have gotten her a birthday present today if she were alive,,, OOPS, NO I WOULDN'T cause CHristmas and her birthday were so close together that I only usually got her one present.  I would have given her a call, for sure, Maybe she could have watched the cats so I wouldn't have freaked and had to go to the hospital. NO, PROBABLY NOT THAT EITHER, SHe might have made me take Cody and Noah to get declawed. SUCH A BARBARIC THING!! I HOPE SHE STILL WOULDN't be like that!

There is one thing, i would like to say about my mom, that I haven't ever mentioned. It doesn't have much to do with her birthday, but I think if she had a birthday today, its something that she has probably been carrying around forever. When mom was about four or five she was sexually abused. I didn't know, I read it in her journal. I mean, i have known for a while, but she never came out and told me, that i remember. This information is a little graphic. According to her journal, mom used to go into a hardware store that was run by the town drunk. Now, this was way back in about 1943. So, one day for some reason she was left in the store. The manager took her in the back and had her stand up on a paint barrell. There were some other men there also. I believe two or three more. The manager then, unbuttoned his pants (and to leave it as less graphic as possible) masturbated and finally came on my mom. He then asked the other two men if they wanted a turn. According, to her journal they said no, and she went home thinking she was pregnant.

HMM?? I think mom would want that out, even if it is her birthday.

I have to tell her that at church yesterday when I was going up to receive communion, I looked over at the old lady organist. I got tears in my eyes. I tried to stop them, because I was wearing powder and TEARS stain powder. It just seemed so familiar. I could imagine that she was that old lady organist, now at 65.  EXCEPT SHE WOULD HAVE LOOKED A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!.

WEll, i didn't mean to write such a long entry! HAPPY 65th BIRTHDAY MOM! and thanks for saving my ass at the ER the other night!  I LOVE YOU!

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mood: lonely

As you might be able to tell from this LOVELY gravestone, that today is my mommy's birthday. Actually, even though I have the dates of her birth and death tattooed on my wrist; I sorta forgot!!!!  I was chatting with a perv (defintion, guys with no life on instant messenger services)  Hmm, except, I was chatting with him so what does that make me?  Anyway, I happened to notice the date at about 4 this morning.  Mommy died at 59 years of age, just a few weeks from her 60th birthday; so today she would have been 65!! ( I wish you could send a birthday card to a dead person) Actually, you really can, hypothetically. Well, what have I done to celebrate mommy's birthday?  YES, THANK YOU FOR ASKING!   Lets see here, I layed in bed until noon when my favorite show "starting over comes on"  HOWEVER, first in honor of how skinny mom was all of her life; I PIGGED OUT ON SLIM FAST BARS!  (Those things are killler)  THEY ARE REALLY GOOD! How are you supposted to lose weight if you eat the entire box?? HMMM?  So, MOM I had about 600 calories in one sitting, then I ate my breakfast!  YEP! Now, i don't know what to do.  MAYBE I COULD SHAVE MY LEGS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY??   My mom and I both have, well she had excessive body hair.  When she passed, she looked a lot like a man with a full beard.  NOPE, i'm not kidding!

SO, what do 65-year olds do? If they were my mom, probably still cuss and get speeding tickets and JOIN AARP. Actually, she was already a member. I like to think, if she had lived that she would have bought an entirely new wardrobe. I WOULD HAVE MADE HER GO ON TV, TO THE SHOW WHAT NOT TO WEAR.  cause, she had some bad clothes. I think, for sure she would have been disappointed. I just got out of the ER and i am sorta in the sex business. BUT, maybe she would have put up with it, I DON'T know? I certainly would have gotten her a birthday present today if she were alive,,, OOPS, NO I WOULDN'T cause CHristmas and her birthday were so close together that I only usually got her one present.  I would have given her a call, for sure, Maybe she could have watched the cats so I wouldn't have freaked and had to go to the hospital. NO, PROBABLY NOT THAT EITHER, SHe might have made me take Cody and Noah to get declawed. SUCH A BARBARIC THING!! I HOPE SHE STILL WOULDN't be like that!

There is one thing, i would like to say about my mom, that I haven't ever mentioned. It doesn't have much to do with her birthday, but I think if she had a birthday today, its something that she has probably been carrying around forever. When mom was about four or five she was sexually abused. I didn't know, I read it in her journal. I mean, i have known for a while, but she never came out and told me, that i remember. This information is a little graphic. According to her journal, mom used to go into a hardware store that was run by the town drunk. Now, this was way back in about 1943. So, one day for some reason she was left in the store. The manager took her in the back and had her stand up on a paint barrell. There were some other men there also. I believe two or three more. The manager then, unbuttoned his pants (and to leave it as less graphic as possible) masturbated and finally came on my mom. He then asked the other two men if they wanted a turn. According, to her journal they said no, and she went home thinking she was pregnant.

HMM?? I think mom would want that out, even if it is her birthday.

I have to tell her that at church yesterday when I was going up to receive communion, I looked over at the old lady organist. I got tears in my eyes. I tried to stop them, because I was wearing powder and TEARS stain powder. It just seemed so familiar. I could imagine that she was that old lady organist, now at 65.  EXCEPT SHE WOULD HAVE LOOKED A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!.

WEll, i didn't mean to write such a long entry! HAPPY 65th BIRTHDAY MOM! and thanks for saving my ass at the ER the other night!  I LOVE YOU!

Happy Birthday Mommy!

mood: lonely

As you might be able to tell from this LOVELY gravestone, that today is my mommy's birthday. Actually, even though I have the dates of her birth and death tattooed on my wrist; I sorta forgot!!!!  I was chatting with a perv (defintion, guys with no life on instant messenger services)  Hmm, except, I was chatting with him so what does that make me?  Anyway, I happened to notice the date at about 4 this morning.  Mommy died at 59 years of age, just a few weeks from her 60th birthday; so today she would have been 65!! ( I wish you could send a birthday card to a dead person) Actually, you really can, hypothetically. Well, what have I done to celebrate mommy's birthday?  YES, THANK YOU FOR ASKING!   Lets see here, I layed in bed until noon when my favorite show "starting over comes on"  HOWEVER, first in honor of how skinny mom was all of her life; I PIGGED OUT ON SLIM FAST BARS!  (Those things are killler)  THEY ARE REALLY GOOD! How are you supposted to lose weight if you eat the entire box?? HMMM?  So, MOM I had about 600 calories in one sitting, then I ate my breakfast!  YEP! Now, i don't know what to do.  MAYBE I COULD SHAVE MY LEGS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY??   My mom and I both have, well she had excessive body hair.  When she passed, she looked a lot like a man with a full beard.  NOPE, i'm not kidding!

SO, what do 65-year olds do? If they were my mom, probably still cuss and get speeding tickets and JOIN AARP. Actually, she was already a member. I like to think, if she had lived that she would have bought an entirely new wardrobe. I WOULD HAVE MADE HER GO ON TV, TO THE SHOW WHAT NOT TO WEAR.  cause, she had some bad clothes. I think, for sure she would have been disappointed. I just got out of the ER and i am sorta in the sex business. BUT, maybe she would have put up with it, I DON'T know? I certainly would have gotten her a birthday present today if she were alive,,, OOPS, NO I WOULDN'T cause CHristmas and her birthday were so close together that I only usually got her one present.  I would have given her a call, for sure, Maybe she could have watched the cats so I wouldn't have freaked and had to go to the hospital. NO, PROBABLY NOT THAT EITHER, SHe might have made me take Cody and Noah to get declawed. SUCH A BARBARIC THING!! I HOPE SHE STILL WOULDN't be like that!

There is one thing, i would like to say about my mom, that I haven't ever mentioned. It doesn't have much to do with her birthday, but I think if she had a birthday today, its something that she has probably been carrying around forever. When mom was about four or five she was sexually abused. I didn't know, I read it in her journal. I mean, i have known for a while, but she never came out and told me, that i remember. This information is a little graphic. According to her journal, mom used to go into a hardware store that was run by the town drunk. Now, this was way back in about 1943. So, one day for some reason she was left in the store. The manager took her in the back and had her stand up on a paint barrell. There were some other men there also. I believe two or three more. The manager then, unbuttoned his pants (and to leave it as less graphic as possible) masturbated and finally came on my mom. He then asked the other two men if they wanted a turn. According, to her journal they said no, and she went home thinking she was pregnant.

HMM?? I think mom would want that out, even if it is her birthday.

I have to tell her that at church yesterday when I was going up to receive communion, I looked over at the old lady organist. I got tears in my eyes. I tried to stop them, because I was wearing powder and TEARS stain powder. It just seemed so familiar. I could imagine that she was that old lady organist, now at 65.  EXCEPT SHE WOULD HAVE LOOKED A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!.

WEll, i didn't mean to write such a long entry! HAPPY 65th BIRTHDAY MOM! and thanks for saving my ass at the ER the other night!  I LOVE YOU!

Diary that I wrote when mom was in the hospital-2005

GAS BLOW MAMA 9-7-1999 23-years old, mom in the hospital, I am visiting

mood: contemplative

music: I made a napster Cd with saw I and eighties stuff

SEPTEMBER 7, 1999  TUESDAY

Well, I'm a 23-year-old agorophobic, generalized anxiety disorder, blood pressure pill taking, paniac attacking, cutting, suicidal kid who is just beginning to deal with cancer all over again. (oops I forgot to put probably gay also) And as the large and in charge fat lady named Margo or something said of my recent hospital stay in charter hellside, "Honey, if you leave here you're gonna be in insitutions for the rest of your life."

Well anyway here's me, can barely get out of the house, waiting just waiting to finally be able to go to the mall and get my head shaved bald. Oh and wanting to add a lovely gold hoop nosering to go with that. So now, I don't have any of those things. So picture the movie "the client" Me standing in a huge hospital too anxiety ridden to even go down to the cafeteria to get myself some GAS BLOW nachos and chili. I have a big fro, large skater pants from when I actually was the best rollerblader down at Shelby Farms. These pants now smell like pee because I've worn them for two days and I guess I've felt too bad to wipe myself correctly.

Well so I wish I could explore every nook and cranny of this hospital that got me out of the house for the first time in a while and I wish I was the little punk kid in "the client" but since i'm not heres me; sitting with my brain tumored mother on a green cot that smells like moth balls. Picture this, its 11:30 at night I'm listening to montel with my "snoring" "dying" mother beside me. I have my face turned out the window stareing at the eerie lights that are glowing from the windows in the next buildings (I'm on the sixth floor) I finally fall asleep and wake up because some turd raps on the door. I was dreaming (barely) when the guy asks me, "If i've slept with my face to the window all night" Right before I wake up, I'm about to take off the satiny blue bra of the lesbian girl i've been talking to on the internet. Her name is Shelli. I've never seen her in person. She was supposted to come over and meet me today or tomorrow but that didn't work out.

Anyway, even in my psycologically disturbed condition I'm sure we were about to have sex. Just because in the dream I had been climbing through deserts and hiding behind trees and going into strange locked rooms so I could find a place to hump somebody. I'm not sure who, but it kind of looked like Alison (gross) the friend who drove me in my paniac to the hospital the previous night.

So then the outside is all bathed in sunshine and the little square windows becon me to go explore but I can't because I've got that anxiety problem. I guess I  must have put Shelli's bra back on cause the next thing i heard was this elderly woman a little ways down the hall who totally looked dead screaming "Help, Help, Help" in like this raspy ghost type manner. Lady, I wanna scream the same thing believe me!  The nurse came in and I said in a timid voice, "I don't know where the hell the cafeteria is" I mustered up the courage to follow the little green lines on the floor which reminded me of follow the yellow brick road in the Wizard of Oz. So, I headed down a moldy metal creeking service elevator hyperventalating. I almost found the gift shop. I took out my mom's credit card and i had a total sneeze attack. I tried to count it was about 10 I think. A few people who passed me said, "Bless you"

I wanted the cute doll in the gift shop window but it was 100 dollars (since a box of tampons is about the same price in a hospital) I settled for an isoflex tension reliever for my mom, a mc'calls magazine and about a 4 foot stuffed rattle snake which was 26.00 dollars. I was proud of myself for going.

Well, the day before was probably sort of like "The blair witch project" and "Stigmata" all rolled in to one. But since i have been house bound for three months I haven't made it to those either. Now, i'm not knocking prayer and I really had my heart set on what happened. I hoped it would heal me and my mom. So, I was laying in this horrible blue chair that was supposted to recline but it didn't. It's used to push those scary invalid old slobering paitents around. I had my security blanket stuffed up my nose. I was wearing my dead father's decending dove priests cross because I do believe in and love Jesus.

Anyway, I had just cut 9 beautiful cuts into my arm the night before after my old fart, denture wearing, flatulence passing uncle attacked me with words because of my anxiety condition. Well, I was laying in my chair and all of a sudden I heard booming from the rafters, "PRAISE JESUS HALLELUAH" It was my mom's old friend from many many years ago. Extremely religious would be an understatement! Now, me being terrified to begin with, it didn't help when this charging gray and black haired woman layed her hands on my frail body and proclaimed, "DEVIL RELEASE THIS CHILD" (basically she said I was possessed as she pointed to the cuts on my arms) Then, like her eyes rolled back into her head and she started speaking and yelling in tongues. Well, I started crying and my eyes got wider. I don't wanna be Frankie from Stigmata! I whined through the "AMENS"

Well, finally I swallowed my fear the next day and had my stepmother who I used to ditess drive me home stuffed snake and all. Now, i must prepare for the home care nurse who will come stay with me so I will not turn into a bloody pulp! Hmm, thats all. THE END!!!!!!

mood: contemplative

music: I made a napster Cd with saw I and eighties stuff

SEPTEMBER 7, 1999  TUESDAY

Well, I'm a 23-year-old agorophobic, generalized anxiety disorder, blood pressure pill taking, paniac attacking, cutting, suicidal kid who is just beginning to deal with cancer all over again. (oops I forgot to put probably gay also) And as the large and in charge fat lady named Margo or something said of my recent hospital stay in charter hellside, "Honey, if you leave here you're gonna be in insitutions for the rest of your life."

Well anyway here's me, can barely get out of the house, waiting just waiting to finally be able to go to the mall and get my head shaved bald. Oh and wanting to add a lovely gold hoop nosering to go with that. So now, I don't have any of those things. So picture the movie "the client" Me standing in a huge hospital too anxiety ridden to even go down to the cafeteria to get myself some GAS BLOW nachos and chili. I have a big fro, large skater pants from when I actually was the best rollerblader down at Shelby Farms. These pants now smell like pee because I've worn them for two days and I guess I've felt too bad to wipe myself correctly.

Well so I wish I could explore every nook and cranny of this hospital that got me out of the house for the first time in a while and I wish I was the little punk kid in "the client" but since i'm not heres me; sitting with my brain tumored mother on a green cot that smells like moth balls. Picture this, its 11:30 at night I'm listening to montel with my "snoring" "dying" mother beside me. I have my face turned out the window stareing at the eerie lights that are glowing from the windows in the next buildings (I'm on the sixth floor) I finally fall asleep and wake up because some turd raps on the door. I was dreaming (barely) when the guy asks me, "If i've slept with my face to the window all night" Right before I wake up, I'm about to take off the satiny blue bra of the lesbian girl i've been talking to on the internet. Her name is Shelli. I've never seen her in person. She was supposted to come over and meet me today or tomorrow but that didn't work out.

Anyway, even in my psycologically disturbed condition I'm sure we were about to have sex. Just because in the dream I had been climbing through deserts and hiding behind trees and going into strange locked rooms so I could find a place to hump somebody. I'm not sure who, but it kind of looked like Alison (gross) the friend who drove me in my paniac to the hospital the previous night.

So then the outside is all bathed in sunshine and the little square windows becon me to go explore but I can't because I've got that anxiety problem. I guess I  must have put Shelli's bra back on cause the next thing i heard was this elderly woman a little ways down the hall who totally looked dead screaming "Help, Help, Help" in like this raspy ghost type manner. Lady, I wanna scream the same thing believe me!  The nurse came in and I said in a timid voice, "I don't know where the hell the cafeteria is" I mustered up the courage to follow the little green lines on the floor which reminded me of follow the yellow brick road in the Wizard of Oz. So, I headed down a moldy metal creeking service elevator hyperventalating. I almost found the gift shop. I took out my mom's credit card and i had a total sneeze attack. I tried to count it was about 10 I think. A few people who passed me said, "Bless you"

I wanted the cute doll in the gift shop window but it was 100 dollars (since a box of tampons is about the same price in a hospital) I settled for an isoflex tension reliever for my mom, a mc'calls magazine and about a 4 foot stuffed rattle snake which was 26.00 dollars. I was proud of myself for going.

Well, the day before was probably sort of like "The blair witch project" and "Stigmata" all rolled in to one. But since i have been house bound for three months I haven't made it to those either. Now, i'm not knocking prayer and I really had my heart set on what happened. I hoped it would heal me and my mom. So, I was laying in this horrible blue chair that was supposted to recline but it didn't. It's used to push those scary invalid old slobering paitents around. I had my security blanket stuffed up my nose. I was wearing my dead father's decending dove priests cross because I do believe in and love Jesus.

Anyway, I had just cut 9 beautiful cuts into my arm the night before after my old fart, denture wearing, flatulence passing uncle attacked me with words because of my anxiety condition. Well, I was laying in my chair and all of a sudden I heard booming from the rafters, "PRAISE JESUS HALLELUAH" It was my mom's old friend from many many years ago. Extremely religious would be an understatement! Now, me being terrified to begin with, it didn't help when this charging gray and black haired woman layed her hands on my frail body and proclaimed, "DEVIL RELEASE THIS CHILD" (basically she said I was possessed as she pointed to the cuts on my arms) Then, like her eyes rolled back into her head and she started speaking and yelling in tongues. Well, I started crying and my eyes got wider. I don't wanna be Frankie from Stigmata! I whined through the "AMENS"

Well, finally I swallowed my fear the next day and had my stepmother who I used to ditess drive me home stuffed snake and all. Now, i must prepare for the home care nurse who will come stay with me so I will not turn into a bloody pulp! Hmm, thats all. THE END!!!!!!

Rest in Peace, Mom-Five years.

November 23rd, 2005

mood: confused

music: Titanic Soundtrack--NOT

Five years ago today this lovely christian woman left this earth. Bound by the chains of cancer, she passed into christs arms early this morning Memphis time.

I miss you, i will always love you, "into the arms of the angels therefore go I"

R.I.P Shelby Jean Rogers Patterson December 12, 1939-November 23, 2000

Love your one and only daughter, Annemieke Jeanette Patterson, 2:37 am pacific time November 23, 2005

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Five years ago today this lovely christian woman left this earth. Bound by the chains of cancer, she passed into christs arms early this morning Memphis time.

I miss you, i will always love you, "into the arms of the angels therefore go I"

R.I.P Shelby Jean Rogers Patterson December 12, 1939-November 23, 2000

Love your one and only daughter, Annemieke Jeanette Patterson, 2:37 am pacific time November 23, 2005

Five years ago today this lovely christian woman left this earth. Bound by the chains of cancer, she passed into christs arms early this morning Memphis time.

I miss you, i will always love you, "into the arms of the angels therefore go I"

R.I.P Shelby Jean Rogers Patterson December 12, 1939-November 23, 2000

Love your one and only daughter, Annemieke Jeanette Patterson, 2:37 am pacific time November 23, 2005

Catching up before mom's anniversary

I haven't had much to write about for the past week or so, and I really don't have much to say now. I just wanted to catch up on the mundane aspects of my (um) life before I start writing forner diary entries about my mom's death. Her five year anniversary (being of course this Wednesday) I count the actual anniversary being the day she died; not the visitation or the funeral or the burial. I tried desperatly to write a poem about her but I couldn't do it. AS, the people who know me realize that i was alone for all four of those moments. When I got the call from Dot Goodwin who was at the nursing home that thanksgiving morning I was all by my lonesome. The call came in around 10 am. Dot said mom had passed away early in the morning, that it was very peaceful.  I remember hanging up and standing stone-faced. I couldn't believe it was over. I couldn't believe she had really died. For some reason I had the mattress from my bed in the front hall by the front door. The only thing I could think of to do was to lay on the mattress and put on some sad music. So, I layed there for a long time with the soundtrack to "TITANIC" blaring through my walkman.  Its so difficult to think about even five years later. I have to say that society as a whole has made great strides on some things that were once very illusive and hard to understand. Things such as poverty, racial issues, equality for women. These are just examples. However when it comes to understanding how one is supposted to grieve, there is still no understanding of the subject. People who are naive and have never suffered though a tragedy feel that there is a time-line.  That the folks left behind after a death have a certain number of months or years to get over it.  WEll, grief doesn't work like that. For some, the pain never goes away.

Anyway, in the pathetic universe which I call "my life" nothing much has happened. I tried to call Lacey again, however I only got her voicemail. I mentioned in my other yahoo blog that I am going to change my leg tattoo for a sizable amout of money so that it is much more meaningful to me. (I think that is important) My relationship is in the same state it always is, however this sunday was a little different. I have been so depressed about my mother that I have not been able to do anything. However, Thursday and Sunday I was in San Francisco and Berkeley. this entire weekend I had wanted to go to berkeley to get some different piercings. In one happy moment, yesterday Paul and I went to church! I loved it! We walked down the street to a tiny episcopal church call St. Albans. THe congregation is SO small, but the sermon and the minister were wonderful; and taking communion again was great. I did not feel the peace and closeness to God that I thought I was going to, however I was happy I went all the same. Later in the afternoon yesterday I was very lonely. (I am really missing ellen now) (I still cannot understand how she could do this to me) ANyway, I needed something, affection, even if it still left a big hole in my heart. We made out a bunch! (very unusual) Afterwards, i still longed for the closeness of intercourse. it was just one of those days.   So, later we were going to Berkeley to pierce my face. However, the hole in my heart was still there, so I poured about a half a bottle of good ol JACK DANIELS!!! from the heart of Lynchburg, TN. (I have no fucking clue where Lynchburg TN is) into a cup and covered it with a can of coke.

As, soon as I got in the car the alcohol took effect. I could not sit up. I could not talk, but Paul drove on. By the time we get to Berekeley he wakes me up and asks if i can walk around. I slur my words saying no way.  My head was spinning around and I couldn't even stand straight. SO, instead of getting pierced we started making out again in the car. (There were tons of college kids walking right around us)  I have not been that drunk since about 2002 in Memphis when i drank almost an entire bottle of wine.  I really am not used to it. So, it is truely no myth that alcohol takes away your inhibitions. (even the pains in ones vaginal area)  There were too many peeps around, so I mumbled something about "take me somewhere and rape me"  (Why this is my sexual fantasy, i have no idea) I think its because it's my number one terror. In my hood, it could happen for real, just like that!   So, we pulled into what looked like a deserted parking lot. I couldn't stand. I was pathetic so he drags me out of the car and into the back. He had my pants off by the time we realized that there seemed to be a spotlight shining on us. (It was some men working)  so we ended up having to try somewhere else.  WE went up a hill, into the woods in Berkely but we still couldn't find a spot. The only thing that ended up happening was we both peed in the grass.. I was having a lot more trouble standing than he was!  WEll, so coming out of that little adventure, i don't have a headache! Thank God!

On Thurday we were at the doctor in San Francisco. WE always have a rotten time there. We drove down to Mom's tattoos to give "Joe Vegas" my new design. This is Height street and its the hip district there. ALl kinds of unique places to shop. ONe place was a little book store called "the anarchist bookstore"  We had to check that out. Immediately, my eyes caught the attention of Anton Levy's "The satanic bible" I had never seen a copy of it and i was fasanated and terrifed at the same time. When i flipped through it, I made sure that i didn't read any of the prayers completely through. Afraid, i would call forth satan or something.  I don't understand how there can be such a horrible piece of literature out there.   Anyway, when we got back in the car (i swear) my right wrist, the wrist that has the bible verse tattooed on it in latin started to ache. Just a dull ache for several blocks. There was nothing wrong with it, and i thought maybe it was bible clashing with Satan. (hey its possible)  So, on our way back we had an interesting religious discussion about satanic existance and the book of revelation and Daniel. I took a class on Bible Prophecy when i was a junior in high school.  I am highly interested in studying it again, so Paul suggested that.

WHich brings us up to today basically, where i have been juggling doctors appointments. I have one tomorrow and one on my mom's anniversary. All, i fucking do is go to doctors, even on an important day like that.

It may seem, from what I write that i have some sort of life,, Ah not true, not true at all. I don't know what mom wanted me to end up doing, but it know it wasn't what i am doing now, nothing.

About 48 hours and counting!

Letter to me from my dead mother-2005

mood: contemplative

Dear Annemieke, I MADE THIS LETTER Up.. SHE NEVER WROTE IT TO ME.

I am watching over you my dear child; watching you suffer. I have watched it for many years. It is an agnonizing thing for a mother to see her child go through so much. You are so special to me and so brave. I never said that much when I was around. I'm sorry. Keep trying. Keep Praying. Don't renouonce God. I wish there was a way I could have held you through the seizure I saw. I know you were terrified. I know you thought it was really your time to come join me and your father that night. I would tell you when its your time, if I knew, but i don't. I know there is something you are terrified of losing. I was too. I didn't want to lose your father. I know you ask me to keep you and Paul together. I hear you,but I can't make that decision.

I am seperated from you only for a little while. You know that we will be together again. I love you my little one.

hang in there

Love you mother.

6 days until I go home. I am so angry that she will not be there for my college graduation. God knows it took long enough. . I am so scared to see her grave after 8 months.

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