"The Potpourri Diaries"

Morphine Withdrawal RIGHT NOW!

this is very hard to write, but I thought I should document whats going on for posterity.  Ive been off the morphine that ive been taking for years for severe vaginal pain, because there was no doctor in  Memphis that could get me in.... I thought i wouldnt have any withdrawal because ive been going down from 90 mg to 60 mg and finally to 30mg for about a month..   I have some Lame medication called clonidine that is supposted to help, but it doesnt really. 

Right now, since I have had no pill for about 2 days, withdrawal symtoms started yesterday basically, even though i have the clonidine.  The clonidine only stops the nausea and the cold and hot sweats.  The doctor said that my vaginal pain would most likely get much worse as my body adjusts to not having any pain medication in my brain.. and god thats true... Im popping Ibuprofen and tylenol like candy, but its not working really.  The symptoms of RLS, as well as the dripping of the nose and the watering of the eyes started last night.  RLS is Restless Leg Syndrome, it keeps me from sleeping. My legs feel like they  need to move, even though they arent supposted to.  ALso, now here sunday at 5 pm, my entire body feels so weak. This is a big symptom. I find it hard to move, however most of my body has RLS. Paul is still here, he went to get the refill of the clonidine. I wanna cry and i wanna scream, i feel so bad and its not fair.

I ruined pauls last two days here, we were gonna go shooting at rangemaster with my .38.  Rangemaster is an indoor gun range, Paul has never shot a handgun before, but its not gonna happen.

guilt makes the vaginal pain worse too, Ive been rocking back and forth while he was in the shower. This really isnt right, i feel so tired that it basically takes energy to breath.  Im not a drug dealer, im not a drug addict. Ive been taking the morphine because of real pain. Its not right for me to have to indure the pain and the withdrawal. Most medication sites say the worst of the withdrawal will be over in three days, but Paul leaves on Tuesday.. I let him down.. I always let him down..

This is bad, its really bad... its hard to know what else to say, only that i dont know how much longer i'll feel so sick.   The vaginal pain is INCREDIBLE.  It burns and stings and aches and theres nothing i can do to stop it, once the withdrawal ends, the vaginal pain will keep on going.. God, i pray it wont be as severe as it is now. If it is, i'll be totally bedridden.

All this, because Im back in a city that doest believe in legitamate pain medication.  My psychiatrist was sad for me at my last appointment. Hes an old jewish guy, he didnt think it was right that I had to go through this and he told me that he doesnt understand why most pain doctors here dont believe in continuous pain medication management.

but everything went wrong, he reffered me to a pain doctor who was in the same building, but i called the doctor and he is retiring. that was my last hope, I saw a specalist back in october, the guy manages vulvodynia, but does not give pain meds.  He told me i had to be off my pain medication and basically experience all the pain for six months before he would attempt any rehabiltion of the area.

my only hope is christmas, paul said i fly back and try to get my california pain doc to see me.  But that is weeks away, and if the pain continues I cant sit for three hours on a plane.

I really need some prayer by anyone who reads this, please pray for me, I couldnt make it to church today, obviously, but i need a higher powers help, that is my only hope for relief.

 

Suffering while awake-and CUTE UTUBE VID!

Come and visit my erotic diary at Photoconfessions

Sigh, i had a medication change that i dont know if i really like much, 120mg of cymbalta rather than 60. It seems to have put me back on a "normal" sleep schedule. I got up at 10 am today and so instead of getting to sleep through the day, i have to suffer all my aches and pains wide awake.  (i wish i could insert a wav file of my mom's funeral) however its on tape and it has to be on a CD for it to work. Anyway, the point of this is, i was outside smoking (again) and I heard this BIG ASS orange tomcat who is in heat hollering. (MaN it pisses me off)  on my walks that i take sometimes i have seen about 4 stray cats. I figure a couple of them are probably female.  (if only i could trap that wild orange male so he wont go around impregnating all the females)  But it takes probablly three or four people to trap a wild cat.  Then i would need a vet who would offer to neuter it for free or for very low cost. It just breaks my heart that next month there will be tons of little tiny babies who are orphaned and who will die because these strays around my hood cant be caught.

All four of my new cats are stray kittens who were abandoned. God, so many that will be abandoned soon... Some cruel heartless fuck will probably throw them alive into the garbage or worse throw them into the river down in antioch. (thats just insane) Ive been reading a book about the end times and the author is very smart (he claims that the bible says all christains all blessed with at least on spiritual gift.. the only one that i can think of for me is my love of lost or abandoned cats and kittens.  They are gods creatures. (sigh)

Anyway, i feel so physically bad as always.. but this high dose has me all jumpy inside.  so its hard to go back to sleep.. oh and sara if you read this... i am highly tempted to go get some cough syrup, but im not gonna.. lets see ive been clean for 17 days and it blows!

So, last is my paul relationship.. getting ickier! last night we were (sorta playin) around,, but its odd, i have this thing where i just cant keep from picking at him. I mean with my hands... its bizarre. i'll like stick my hand in his mouth or smash his face together or tell him he has a forest of NOSE HAIRS and then pick at those.  (he says FUCKING QUIT and he MEANS it) but i dont quit. So, i was fucking with him last night and he was sick of it so we starting (physically getting at each other)  well he started pinching me.. so he pinched me on the arm FUCKING REALLY HARD,,, a bruise came the second he did it..... (god that hurt) damn! So then, I started kicking him in the head,, more like pumeling him in the head. I bent his stupid glasses (that are supposted to be unbendable)   U know I dont care... there has been no support about the raise in Meds, No good job,.. PAT ON THE BACK AT ALL for staying off of cough syrup.... i dont know why i stay off...

Well, guess thats all, nows theres nothing to do on the puter either.. !! and i feel like im gonna barf! CHECK THIS OUT I JUST DID IT, ITS SOOO CUTE!!! ITS OF THE CATS PLAYING WITH A DUMB LAZER POINTER.  AW!!

screen printing

UK Casino

A death conversation with John Denver 2. about drugs

ME:  "John Denver! What are you doing here? (I mean) I'm in total shock, you've been dead forever!" "Oh  man, Please tell me I'm dreaming" (nervously looks around)

DOWN BELOW: ME: It was an accident! Cant you help me out?" "Whats happening to me?" Something's really wrong this time" This has NEVER happened be    
I cant walk! Im choaking! My legs are paralized! Im disembodied, I dont even know where I am! Im leaving! Help! its too late, oh god, i dont wanna die yet!"  (sorta crying) (heart pounding) (confused)

Paul: Sleepy "Stop it will you, Its the middle of the night, Just because its Saturday it doesnt mean i have to stay up with you" I am so sick of this" it always happens when you get fucked up, your just fucked up"  (closing his eyes and dreary and going back to sleep)

John: (strumming a guitar) "So how about we sing something, shall we?" "What do you think?"

ME: "Well I guess we could"

John: (smiling) "Far out.. and a one, two one two three.."well life on the far...."

Me: "Wait a minute" I still dont get why youre here, You never told me if i was dreaming or not (getting nervous again)

John: (putting down his guitar) "Just to keep your mind off things"

Me: What things? Are you sure this is just a dream?

John: "I dont make those decisions, kiddo, but no one deserves to be alone"

Me: "So Paul hasnt found me or even looked"  (raising my voice)

John: (picking up his guitar again) "no, kid Im afraid he meant what he said, He doesnt know"

Me: (about to cry) Know what?

John: (starting to play) " Dont cry, your body is just tired, just tired this time, thats all"  Come on, How about Rocky Mountain high?


ME: (looking around getting more afraid) "But its supposted to just be friday night, we were just at hannibal rising, then he bought me two bottles at Longs just like normal.

John: And then things maybe started to feel really different, and paul doesnt believe you? Your legs really dont work?

Me: studdering  but but isnt it still friday?

John: "No, kiddo.. well technically but you are probably gonna sleep for a long while"

Me: (oh my god) you mean forever!

JOhn: "no, I do nt think so, a couple of days or three or four  (hey we could sing, um What else is your favorite"?

Me: "John Wait, im scared, Was this the Close close call the one that means i have to stop this> am i really alone? no one knows what im going through right now (crying) How will I stop? im all alone"?

John: Strumming again   Well, I dont know.. but you said that you went through partial seizures and the paralisis and the body swelling, thats a lot.  Come on lets sing again

Me: (whispering) okay

JOhn: "sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy......

So, i spent about a frustrating hour and half on the phone with blue cross looking for a therapist, that didnt work so i went back on the net and left a message for some mother fucker psychologist whose a guy.. Yeah, this was bad.. My john story was supposted to tell what happened-oh well.

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OKAY, YO THIS IS JUNE 8th, IVE JUST BEEN TOLD BY A BASTARD THAT HE WOULDNT CARE IF I HAD STAGE FOUR BREAST CANCER.. ITS THE MEANEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD OKAY.. IVE BEEN OFF DEX FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS.. I KNOW JOHN WAS SINGLE AND LITTLE CASSIE TOOK HIS ASS FOR EVERYTHING HE HAD.. AND THIS SONG MAKES ME WANNA VOMIT... BUT THERE HAS TO BE SOME DAMN POINT.. IT WAS SUPPOSTED TO BE ME,, THAT WAS IT>. YEAH< FUCK OFF.

extreme extreme physical pain..

Come and visit my erotic diary at Photoconfessions VULVO flare up or UTI?

it seems i have forgotten that i have an incurable (um problem)  WEll, if the Physical pain from hell that my vaginal area is feeling (feels like acid melting the skin or into the skin.. burns like sulfer when i pee)      

is like still a huge problem.. oh yeah, so thats what the morphine is for. Well, this... Without i, would be doubled over in a fetal position until the pain got a little less??

If its a UTI, then i am a total idiot for letting it go this long.. i just don't know which one it is.  THe sleep would indicate UTI, but im still hungry (more like a PIGGY) eating cookies and frosting. so that isn't a UTI symptom. however my pee stinks so that is one.

But vulvo flare up? man.. it has been a while.. i mean.. yeah. (my buddy upstairs) thanks for the reminder, i forgot that i have been going to amillion doctors  and then my physical therapist  (stephanie) says  I can't do anything else for you.

Oh right and Dr. Weiss.. have i ever mentioned  a nerve block on here..  well if not.. its a shot, with a massive needle.. as dr weiss said when i was having nerve blocks.... maybe to make me feel better  (we have had to get nurses in here to hold even men down because the shot is so painful..... but you don't even flinch or cry... Nope. not me.. the first nerve block... paul almost went in his pants when he saw the needle.. i don't care. if its a vulvo flareup. i need a nerve block.. this is fucking nightmare.. 

i wanna put more, cause this sucks.. but. whatever..  it willl all be better in 07........ Someone go hang ANY optomist.

THESE ARE CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!

Klonopin withdrawal...

After the physically uncomfortable symptoms of the past few days... One being EXTREME SLEEP DEPREVATION! I think i have now been awake for over 24 hours!!   I could not figure out what was causing my heart to just beat out of my chest so hard that if it had been a butterfly, I never would have caught it!  I was also sore, all over my entire body... It felt like I had just gone out for a three mile run, and my poor body is saying--STOP I AM OUT OF SHAPE! Really, severe muscle aches..  

Paul of course blamed the cough syurp, which i haven't used in days (thank ya no applause please)!!   But I knew it could not be that... So, i tried to think of what i did different the past two days.. The only thing is.. I am trying to diet again... HEE hEE... but I smoked a couple of cigarettes. 

Anyway, like a total dunce, I was just sittin here at the computer and my Klonopin bottle was in front of my face... then a lightbulb went off, and they so rarely do! I think i have missed my klonopin for two days...   Well, this was around 12 pm this afternoon... So, I took the klonopin and almost immediately everything went away.. My heart stopped going THUMP THUMP. THUD.. and my muscles don't hurt and i am finally really sleepy!!!     So, if that was benzo withdrawal for not taking my meds for only a few days, Imagine what it will be like to actually get off of them! 

Amazing!  but now of course i need them.. they are a part of my regular psychiatic care or whatever....

Well, next... Is an incredibly ridiculos conflict that really came just out of the clear blue sky from some folks down at the ol mental health board. http://social.realmentalhealth.com/ Um, i am really too tired to go into it much, but this entry will be marked FRIENDS ONLY.. along with an supsequent issues on this subject!!   (i sound like a person who uses big words a lot)   Needless to say, this competely ruined Paul  and i's Thursday night.. and the thoughts that I have been having about it are spinning in my head around 5 seconds an hour now.. They are Very uncontrollabe.. my racing thoughts..

Okay, well i will come back and hopefully explain this odd deal with Chris or Sara or.. any of the other "few" friends i have that i don't really know.. Please don't take that wrong!! 

Oh.. me wanna go NITE NITE...... 

Right now, How I feel as I come down from Triple C

Right now I am slowly coming down from my high, its 2 am and some loser keeps messening me. It is really hard to type. I have one eye open and one shut thats how i have to work when i am stoned. i feel a little like i am going to barf. i took one bottle of the good stuff and two tablespoons of the stuff that doesn't work so well. This high was really long. I love how it makes me want to touch paul. we just layed together and the tiniest touch just felt so good. i kept thinking i love you i love you, but im out of my mind. my face is starting to feel numb and is tiggley. like when your foot is asleep. my hands are very cold. the side of my face is asleep. Touch just feels so good on R. i felt like i was melting into paul, i know it sounds so 70's and acid trip like. but its true. we were watching amc's monster fest the movie was gothika. i really really want to eat my lucky charms. sucky georgie and jay jay are in the room with me. two of them are on the computer table. i am still in another world. it takes a long time to come down. i feel like i want to cry, i don't know why. my entire face is asleep i really really wanna come down, because it sucks when you are alone.. I have sorta learned the cough syrup ways these past weeks.  Only drink one bottle of R cough and cold. it has to be cough and cold. do not get a bottle with an ingredient that starts with a G. it will make you barf.  for sure. do not get a bottle with tylenol in it. It takes a while for the high to take effect thats why its kinda dangerous. you think, i am not high in two hours..but the high will hit you and it will last for 8 hours or more.i thought this drug is the answer. i don't know it is expensive. i still can't feel my face.. and i am still floating on a cloud.. i gotta go pee. this was a bad high. too much!! my legs feel like jelly when i walk. i am coming down slowly. if you are not a loser like me, candy is only for losers. it takes so much out of the body that we have to sleep all day the next morning. i wake up around 4 pm after taking R at 9 pm the previous day. i don't think i can pull off a continious high.

Anna goes to the hospital part 2..

Man, I looked and looked for photos of E/R's but I only came up with one. I don't remember anything, but I was brought in just like this person in the photo. (except by the paramedics).

So, here I am again laying on a strecher in the PEDIATIC ROOM.. They always put me in there. They call it Pediatric because it has two eerie paitings of a little boy and girl on the wall. I am hooked up to every machine on earth. I have about four IV'S in my arm. Finally, at about 4 am I remember saying, "Yes sir" to one of the doctors or staff. Apparently, i had been saying, Yes sir and No Ma'm to everybody the entire night. I said it to the paramedics and to all the hospital staff... Very odd.

According to Paul, I became a lot of people. I do not remember the ambulance, nor being in it. I don't remember the paramedics packing me up and putting me on the strecher,, (JUST LIKE YOU SEE ON TV). All, i know is inside the ambulance (somehow they got me to swallow a cup of characol) The nastiest substance on earth!

So, Paul tried to tell me some of the odd things I said. I couldn't believe it. First of all, I thought I was around 8 years old and I was in Leboneur Childrens Hospital in Memphis. I asked Paul just like a little girl would "where my blankie was.. except i used moppy--thats what i used to call it"..

Then, i told paul that I was 12 years old. He asked me, my age! and i said 12. Then, I started to scream, "Where is my daddy, where is my brother and sister?"

Then i would go back to eight years old again. ANd i asked him over again where my daddy and blankie and stuff was. Paul told this little 8 year old, "i don't know where those things are". And i giggled back in a little girls voice and I got really shy and cute, and I would say, "Yes you do,, you are just hiding my stuff from me, we are playin hide and seek, you should give it back, but its still funny" giggle giggle!

Then, paul said I turned into a 15 year old. I don't remember what I asked for then.

The little 8 year old is what totally freaked me out though.. I really did have surgery in the Pediatric ward of Leboneur hospital in Memphis at that age. Apparently, I was terrified and somehow, I think i actually went back there.

Paul kept saying, "Do you know where you are" and I said.. "well I'm In Memphis silly. In the hospital". Over and over again.

Then when i didn't talk, i was screaming. I don't think i screamed for mom like I have other times. I screamed for my daddy?

Man, after I came to, i took this HUGE SHIT in the porto potty. IT was pitch black and smelled like a burned BBQ grill. I am still mad that they made me swallow the charachol. I also saw, my shirt over in the corner and the paramedics had actually, CUT MY SHIRT OFF OF ME! I couldn't belive it. It was in the chair, and ruined.. damn..


So, what happened? what brought me to the E/R by ambulance on July 5th.. P.S i have never been in an ambulance.. Good thing I couldn't remember.
Well, since June 9th when Tammy betrayed me, by taking me to a bar and then sleeping with a stranger in my hotel room while i watched... I had been a bit freaked out.

So, I was drinking every night for almost a month since then.. I mean Piss drunk.. could not remember a DAMN thing. Paul introduced me to 151 proof alchohol. It is extremely dangerous, but it has less calories than beer or anything else..

Well, the day of Wednesday the 5th, obvioulsy did not start out too well.I was reading The responses to my journal on a depression board where I have been writing most of my stuff lately. Unfortunatley, I got a MEAN, OUT OF LINE, REally shitty hurtful comment. I WAS FURIOUS. So, I wrote this lady a response back. I was trying hard to keep my cool.

Then,i wrote the moderator of the board and told her what had happened. However, i was still really hurt. The next thing that happened was I was desperatly trying to load some John Denver songs onto my IPOD. ANd it just would not work, no matter what i did. So, i started to drink. Then I threw the two chairs here in the dining room across the floor and i got a huge gash on my hand (which still hasn't healed)

So, then Paul comes home and he reacted very badly to the fact that I had thrown chairs around. I felt so impulsive and so hurt and angry from the day, that I started on a list of how I could make it all the way home alone in my car.. Then Paul went to pick up my prescibtion and thats when I drank the rest of the 151 in the bottle.

And that is all i remember. Apparently, i was sitting on the couch screaming "Call 911" i'm scared, I'm serious" Paul thought i was looking worse and worse in the face, so he did.

ANd, that folks was my second trip to the E/R for Alchohol poisoning.. However, unlike the first trip, where i was awake and remembered everything, this time.. NOthing..

I would be absolutely honored to direct anyone who is interested to the reply message on my depression board diary which started this entire thing. I feel that it finally ended yesterday, when Paul went on the board and tried to explain that I could have died.. and to watch it when saying,,, VERY UNKIND THINGS on a place that is supposted to be supportive.

I don't know if i am going back there ever again,, we will see.
also, i don't know if i am done with this journal.. I remember as Paul tells me....

But.. i almost didn't make it to my 30th birthday in a few weeks.. I know that.. and i could have A MASSIVE insurance bill.

so, i reckon thats the end,, for now...

The devil made me do it..

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Wow, I have to go really far down to write anything.  I don't wanna put much, I just wanna  try to remember some of the weird things I have done since I started drinking every night. I started that on June 9th, because of a earlier entry. So, last night I drank four shots of everclear. (we have been measuring them out)  Mainly because 151 proff stuff is dangerous. It is actually VERY flamable. So, its a bit like drinking gasoline. Anyway, last night after the four shots, I was pretty sloshed. I kinda remeber. I think I screamed and cried about nothing in particular, but apparently i was yelling at the top of my lungs: and I was having paniac attacks when I thought of something scary. I remember having to be held down (so to speak) it was something like a terrifying tantrum.

Man, i am real tired today!  Lets see, but that doesn't always happen. One night, which I wrote about I was able just to have wild wild sex, and I remembered absolutely nothing about it.

Another night, I got started on the subject of history. So, it seems I talked and talked and talked about the civil war, the memphis river museam, the model of a riverboat  and the anchor  in the river.  Talked some more about yellow fever, talked about  how my dad and i used to sit on the high bluff overlooking the Mississippi.  (This is an odd conversation for me to have)  So, (person i won't mention) said I was still talking about history in my SLEEP. He said He had to go sleep on the couch because I just wouldn't shut up! I remember a little of the conversation to myself.. HA HA

Only , one night out of  about two weeks have I barfed or had a hangover when I woke up.  I was drinking my usual three shots of barcardi 151... (i think the high content alcohol, because it doesn't have many calories because it isn't sweet at all)  Of subject, when (person) and I went to Monterey;  we went to a restaurant and i got a long island iced tea... LIttle did i know that it has over 700 calories.. I was in total shock!  folks don't get that drink if you are watching your weight.  Okay back to the barfing. So, i went outside just to smoke one cigarettee. ( i don;t smoke at  all lately)  I went back in the house and I was doing my regular  annoying singing or whatver?   I am like LA LA , BLAH BLAH .. ANd shit all over the house til i pass out.

Luckily, i finally passed out, and during the middle of the night ( i don't know what was up, cause U know who was up) HE said he felt water on him, so he looked and sweat was pouring off my arm.. The next thing I just went BLAH.. It was total progectile vomit, just like in the exorcist.  I didn;t remember doing it.  But i got up a little later and my blankie was filthy, It took most of vomit.. WAHH! In the morning... person said, I just kept doing it and doing it, like seven times.. Oh well..

So, just some random times... I was drunk and we were both on the computer.. WE had a total blast talking to this INdian guy named Deepak or something.. (GOd  i have to post one of his messages, THEY ARE INSANE.. So, i paul talk to him, and we just laughed like forever.. cause this dude was talking to an overwieght bald guy i nstead of a 16-year old. okay, i have some, CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:05:36 AM): my darling where r u? right now 5.35pm in the evening here and i will b on net at exactly from 7.15pm to 11.30pm India time so u have to b with me, we have to talk more abt our life so.
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:05:52 AM): Lots of kisses and my love and sex for u
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:06:10 AM): pl give me your nipples to suck enjoy
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:06:23 AM): take my penis to suck pl enjoy
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:06:30 AM): i m with u
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:06:38 AM): we r together
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:06:54 AM): take care, bye, c u soon.
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 5:16:04 AM): love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u love u Take care.
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 7:10:19 AM): i m here now darling pl join me
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 8:21:49 AM): where r u moving?
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 8:21:53 AM): i need u
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 8:22:11 AM): u should have love and eggerness for me dear
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 8:22:41 AM): understand me, my love Bianca darling.
Deepak Pithwa (6/23/2006 11:28:40 AM): Going to sleep Take care Kisses bye -Deepak

THey get a lot weirder.. Its pretty fun to do when your drunk.. HE thinks i am going to marry him at 16 and that we are having cyber sex, even though he can barely speak english..

Well, i am pretty sad.. I am worried that I could be at the turning point of being a bit of a person w ith an alcohol problem.
My granddad on my mom;s side and my grandad on my dads side were both alcholics.
But, i guess its life???

SICK!

My stomach always hurts. I take about as much medicine as someone REALLY old. I have to drink a presciption laxative I guess its sorta funny.. but not to me.. All of my meds make me so consipated. I have been sick ever since I got here. Physical sick. In Memphis, for about 8 months of my life i had such paniac and such anxiety that i would not leave the house even for food... My boyfriend now had to send me food in the mail. Once i got a home care nurse to drive me to my therapist. I went in the hospital once that summer, because i was so terrified of everything and i just couldn't live without my boyfriend.

Now, i still don't go anywhere. i am agorophobic. which means afraid to leave the house. I am getting no therapy at all because of all the money both of us have spent on medical bills.

Theres never i time when i don't feel sick. either i need barf or i have a headache or my stomach hurts..

this doesn't have much to do with how sick i feel, but i was reading some of the girls diaries who struggle with anoerixia. I just remember last summer.. I don't know what happened but i lost soo much weight i was in the danger zone. Its never happened before, and probably won't again.. but man, i sure did feel pretty at 94 pounds.

as you can tell my journal bounces around a lot.. i have lots of different thoughts at once.

I think.. i am too young for chronic pain.. and to be addicted to opiates.. it makes you feel like shit.. when i got the dianosis of my female disease last year.. it seemed there was no hope, and now a year later... there is still no hope.. My physical therapy didn't work, I still need huge amounts of pain meds.. and i am not able to have sex.. it has probalby been a year since we tryed intercourse.... God, that makes me cry.. sometimes i feel so bad for him.. But then i get angry too.. i think you are almost 48 and i am 29 and why did this happen to me?

Right now i can barely make myself take a shower.. I mean i am a mess. i am doing nothing productive and maybe never will. I pray so many days "why i am here on earth"? when my entire family is gone? why can't i go with them? i have no purpose on this earth?

Chronic pain drug use-2006

I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, what I was going to do with my livejournal entries is start a countdown of how many days it is until I turn 30,, Well, hell I can do that now.. I am moving towards the calendar (its one of Norman Vincent Peale's Inspirational Bible Verse Deals) I bought it at Walgreens.

Well, i counted 163 days (i could be off a day or so)

Okay, TIME IS 4 in the morning.. My pill list for today is INCREDIBLY LARGE and probably why I am still up. I got my Vicoden back yesterday from my pain doctor after being on Morphine for a while. I told her it would "only be for a month" Truth be told, however I LOVE vicoden.. I am told it is also SOLD ON THE STREETS.

So, I am back to VICODEN ES--extra strength.. If the bottle wasn't in the safe.. i could tell you how much Hydrocodone and Acetaminophine is in the amount I took today.

Here is the correct dosage for me:

The usual adult dosage (for the 650 mg/7.5 mg tablet) is one tablet every four to six hours as needed for pain. The total 24 hour dose should not exceed 5 tablets.

Today, I took 5 pills. in way less than 24 hours. OVERDOSE. Well, if you would like to read more about OD ing on vicoden visit this page!!

http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/hydrocod_od.htm

My list of pills today also includes two muscle relaxers which I forgot the name of. Then of course my regular cymbalta, clonopin, and 200, YES KIDS THATS 200 MG! of Seroquel. OH yeah and i smoked too.

Lets see today i am reading a book called "PREP" by Curtis Sittenfeld. Its about a 14-year old who goes to a rich bording school.. UNderneath should be the link.

[http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9781400062317&view=excerpt

So, duringg the rest of today, I noticed that I WAS OUT OF MONEY and that the check I just sent in to the credit card company (Late I might add) IS GOING TO GO BOUNCEY BOUNCEY JUST LIKE A RUBBER BALL. So, this will make two checks i have bounced in the last oh, i guess a year.

Earlier tonight there was an ambulance and a fire truck right down on the corner. (We don't know if anyone died) We aren't in on the neighborhod gossip.

Even earlier than that, we took one of our usual walks to the convience store. Paul brought the dog (like always) and I wobbled along after them. I love both little stores that we go too. Most days its the clerk in the store whos the only other person besides paul that i see in a day.

Today, I went to buy a bag of Fruit smoothie skittles (i just love those) ANyway the clerk was a black lady that I had met only once before. (NOW, BLACKS ARE A RARITY HERE IN MAYBERRY SO I THOUGHT IT WAS HELLA COOL THAT WORKS THERE)

Our first visit didn't go so well, but this one went GREAT!! She had just had her braided and beaded and put in some brand new extensions (OH GIRL, it was bumpin)
We talked on and on about hair. She said she lives right down on Chestnut. LIke right down the street from us.. She said she could braid my hair NO PROBLEM! of course i would need extensions... And she took it upon herself to enlighten paul and me to a new world--she said that extensions came in every color of the rainbow (Even the pinkish red that I have now) WOW!

I have ALWAYS ALWAYS wanted my hair braided, so if me and her could hook up it would be great.

Plus, i talk to her and she is staight up out the hood. She got her hair braided in Oakland at a salon. I LOVE IT! its like she can since i am from the hood.. She hasn't given white bread paul the time of day, both times we went in.

Well, this sounds like the boring day of a HEAVY DRUG USER and person who will turn 30 in 163 days.. I am sure it can get much much worse..
actually, i laughed so much from the 5 vicoden, my stomach hurts.. That shit is great. YOU LAUGH AND LAUGH like a complete idiot. Forgetting everything else if only for a while.

Ah, peace be with you, money......