This womans so-called life

MY DAMN EXROOMATE GAVE AWAY MY CAT W/o MY PERMISSION

THIS IS CODY, SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL I HAD HER FOR FIVE YEARS AND MY COW OF AN EX-ROOMATE GAVE HER AWAY

I havent written because.. I dont know... My ex-roomate Chris moved out on September 1st, however she gave away MY CAT CODY... She did not have permission to give Cody away.   So, i will never see Cody again. I bought her in 2001 at a pet store in Cordova because I adorded her blue eyes.... I had not seen a cat with blue eyes like that before. Even though problems with Paul have been slight... there were still a few... but damn im gonna miss him... So basically, what i havent written is that i found out my pastor who was like my mother died about a year ago.. from a brain tumor.. just like my mom.. and georgie has diabetes...   and my house is full of fleas!....   I reckon i'll write more later.... oh yeah PMS has ruined our vacation... PMDD.. i havent started my period and i feel like shit.. its been a couple of weeks and ive been waiting for it to come.. but it hasnt... now, its almost the weekend and it still hasnt come.  I did however, suck pauls dick twice.. i guess thats all the sex we will have... but i miss.. paul, dorthea. sydney, cody and sorta chris..

One of the worst days of my life. Sydneys death

YOU WILL FOREVER BE IN GODS HANDS... AND IN MY HEART.

"Losing Sydney" "On the way to the Emergency Vet"
In Remembrance 1992-2007

Sydney was the cat who had been with me the longest. She was 15-years old when I had to make the agonizing decision to put her to sleep. It was a Saturday afternoon, August 11 of this year. She had been lying on the floor for a couple of days, but that was what she usually did, I didn’t expect anything bad was going on, however when I reached down to pick her up that day, she slumped down on the floor unable to stand. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know anything was deathly wrong. I scooped her up and put her in the cat carrier, she made one last small screech and this is where my story begins.

I see this image when I wake up I see it when I go to sleep; the image of Sydney dying on the 20 minute drive to the emergency vet. When I stopped because I was lost and I had to call the emergency vet to get directions and she was dying on me and I knew, I knew that every second counted but I just couldn’t find the place. At the halfway mark, Sydney’s eyes went blank on me. I shook the cat carrier, I was in traffic and I had to keep my eye on the road. I considered stopping to give her CPR, I did not know what to do. I shook her carrier while trying to drive, when she didn’t come around I started to desperately panic, "Sydney, what the hell is going on, Oh god, don’t die on me, please don’t die on me, we are almost there, god don’t die on me."

" When I finally arrived at the emergency vet, from a drive that felt like years, I grabbed Sydney and I hit the carrier on my chest real hard (it was swollen for days) I almost fell onto the concrete, as I pulled her out of the car. I walked in, and handed her to the receptionist. I was trying very hard to calm down. The receptionist came back in just a few seconds and she told me that

Sydney was in extremely critical condition and that I needed to sign some forms so they could try to stabilize her

I felt like I was in the twilight zone, just that it was real, but unreal, I called Paul (ex) cause I didn’t have anyone else to call, and then I waited for about 45 minutes. The wait was so bad; I paced the floor back and forth and back and forth. Only the whine from a male disgruntled pet owner made me realize that this was not a dream. So, I finally got back there to her room and I was pretty upset almost to the point of hysteria now. The doctor tried his best to explain to me what was happening, but it sort of went in one ear and out the other.

I got my ex boyfriend Paul to talk to the doctor. Suddenly, it seemed that the vet nurses started to talk about putting her down. They were going to have to give her a blood transfusion made of fake blood, which the doctor said was almost unheard of... it was that serious. It was going to cost 1500 dollars for two days. Most everyone told me that she could not get better. It was really too late. So, I stayed in the office crying and agonizing over what to do. I just remember asking every staff member... What would u do? What would U do? I must have said it 20 times.

When I was fairly certain of my decision I still kept asking are you sure I should do this. Are you sure I should do this? None of that really mattered because I wake up seeing myself turning my back on her. (They all said) if I didn’t want her to keep suffering it was the most humane thing to do.

I can’t get it out of my head, when they brought her into the room she was still awake, I assumed that she was be totally out of it, but she wasn’t. They told me to take all the time that I needed to say goodbye to her. That was one the worst things about it, her eyes were open but she could not turn her head to look at me.

So, I started to tell her what I had decided. I told her I didn’t know if this was the right decision or not. Through my tears I barely touched her forehead, and when I did my near death Sydney started to purr. I was still touching her lightly and I kept speaking. I told her that I promise that she had nothing to be afraid of, and that very soon she would be with my mother and all our other relatives in heaven. I went on to say that I wouldn’t be seeing her all the time anymore, but that that was the only thing that would permanently change. I told her that I would see her soon when I came to heaven, but that I did not know when that would be.

I don’t know if Sydney understood the decision, but because she was so near death and she was purring, I knew that she felt it was me. I feel so much guilt because she trusted her mother to take care of her, not to kill her. After about ten minutes, I kissed her goodbye and I said I loved her. I could not turn around; I just could not turn around.

Sydney was cremated and her ashes are in a beautiful urn that sits in my living room. The decision to put Sydney down was one of the worst experiences of my life. Right now, she’s gone and I miss her so much. There is a rock in my heart that just settles and hasn’t gone away. That rock has my guilt, and the pain for telling her goodbye.

"In God’s Hands"

Goodbye My Friend

Artist: Karla Bonoff



Oh we never know where life will take us
We know it’s just a ride on the wheel
And we never know when death will shake us
And we wonder how it will feel

So goodbye my friend
I know I’ll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
It’s O.K. now
Goodbye my friend

I’d see a lot of things that made me crazy
And I guess I held on to you
You could’ve run away and left, well maybe
But it wasn’t time and we both knew

So goodbye my friend
I know I’ll never see you again
But the love you gave me through all the years
Will take away my tears
I’m O.K. now
Goodbye my friend

A life so fragile, a love so pure
We can’t hold on but we try
We watch how quickly it disappears
And we’ll never know why

But I’m O.K. now
Goodbye my friend
You can go now
Goodbye my friend

ASPCA DONATION TO MYSELF

Come and visit my erotic diary at Photoconfessions

Well im up at almost 3 am posting some more of moms diary entries.
It is rougher without my seroqul. I cant get my mind to shut up and go to sleep. It just keeps swirling around with things. 

Anyway, like on monday i made a 25 dollar donation to the ASPCA in memory of  Noah.. God, theres this incredibly sad commerical that Sarah Mclaughin sings on animal planet.

I saw it in the hotel room and i dripped tears as soon as it started (man they are good)  the sad part is, i had to send the fucking memorial card TO MYSELF!!! like you are supposted to sent it to someone who has LOST A PET, not to yourself who has LOST A PET... heres what my 25 bucks got me...

Now, i was limited on the message space that I had in the card. I wanted to act like This was (Noah) sending me a card and telling me that he was now fine in heaven....

So, acting like Noah, I wrote in the card space...............................

Dear Mommy,

I missed you when I passed on, but I am really Okay now. I was a little scared when i first got here to kitty heaven, but theres all kinds of things to do, all kinds of animals to meet. i sit on moms lap too!
I love you mommy. dont be sad!

So even for 25 bucks, I didnt get to add an ending to the message--
After, i love you mommy. dont be sad, I wanted to write... at least..
Love Noah
I am with you always.
or something to that effect.

Even though i kinda got ripped off by this little card, Folks you should donate to the ASPCA really. http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer  HEre is where i went to donate...They really could use your help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UK Casino

WAS SYDNEY AN ANGEL?

    Photo from Now,   still haven't slept its 10 am      

This post is hard for me, because Sydney died on August 11, 2007..but i still wonder.. now i know she is a real angel... forever..

i ts another bad night, i can barely sit here, i feel terrible, like im gonna barf i had a bad high again.   this time i have a major headache and i have been crying just screaming for around an hour. peace would come if i died from this, all my dad ever wanted was peace. he begged God for peace in his mind. I read that In one of the few journals that i have, he wrote it when he was 30 years old.  like father like daughter. paul wont help, turned a blind eye to anything drug indused. 

im back, i just barfed a bunch and now i have a horrible headache. i have someone who is right next to me but wont touch me. i feel more neglected than i could ever express. I just wanted to mention, oh i wish i had a church, i hunger for spirtiual anwers and guidance but there is no one to give them to me.    all, i know is where is my guardian angel? earlier, about three hours ago, i was sitting in bed basically screaming and my partner was turned the other way. (nice huh) but i looked up and i saw my almost 15 year old grouchy, in pain senior citizen cat just standing in the doorway. 

She didn't move, she was still as a statue. I kept crying, thinking that she'll go away soon.  i mean shes a cat. i have had cats for a long time and i haven't know them to be very patient. she wasn't sitting down, she had her butt on the floor so she could almost be eye to eye with me.  (i have been looking and praying for my guardian angel like all my life)   

Still, i cryed and still she sat, we both were staring straight into each others eyes.  i never saw her blink. i couldnt beleive that she would not move.  honestly, it spooked me a bit. it had to be some 15 minutes that we both stared at each other. i calmed down a little and she finally walked away.  She was watching me, had i been asleep  she probably would have done the same thing. 

This isn't all, i have had her for so many years, my memory has been all messed up, but i do know that she has acted odd towards me since the day i got her at a pet shop in a mall that no longer exists. 

When Sydney was younger she was a crazed protector. The only story that i can really give is when mommy and me went somewhere and we needed someone to watch her.  Mary Carmicheal (a good friend) who has long sense moved away to southaven mississippi and a good neighbor until i told her son scott that her new husband had made a sexual advance to me.  (we haven't spoken really since then) it wasnt my fault but thats how sexual deals go.  Anway, when mary and scott came over to feed sydney, she would not let them in the door,

she went crazed, like she was rabid. Steve(the advance guy) said he came back over with a baseball bat...  (to defend against a cat)?  he said he never wanted to hit her but was afriad of being really bitten badly injured.  if a neighbor would come over and i happen to be holding sydney she would lash out at the person. when i  put her down she might chase them, she wanted them away from me. 

it was never like that with mom and sydney. sydney didn't really care. but me, i firmly believe that if she had to when she was younger she would have stood her ground for me to her own death. 

i wish it was true. but how can an angel have a physical body. a body thats probably gonna leave me soon.  i wish it was true. i am so spirtually hungry like my dad was.  it aches how much. i mean really aches. 

when she is gone, i will always remember tonight. it was the weirdest thing i have ever seen an animal of mine do. maybe it was someone else's spirt, in her for a few minutes. 

i should close comments to this, cause i know fuckers out there will laugh and doubt.    but, i still can't believe how this cat was watching over me... when the only human in the bed didn't give a rats ass.

About lost the cat.. the one in the picture duh..

Well today was up early cause I had really been sleeping  the past few days.  I went to Walgreens at 9 am to get my morphine and some Cough Syurp (which did not produce any effect)   well. i was vacumming and shit and it had been raining all day long.  I had to take stuff in and out of the house with the door open..

So,  around 7 pm realized i couldnt find all the cats.   Madeline was gone.  I thought. i wanted to chop my head off. so i basically just got in from looking for her for about 2 hours in the rainy fog.   Saying all these prayers to mom and dad and Aunt Pat and grandparents and Jesues (well anyone who would listen to please help me find her and if I can't please cover her and keep her warm.

I really almost lost my faith.. over a cat. scary.   I thought if my mom can let a cat  (that I was dumbass enough to leave the door open)   die or okay it was raining and there are drains.. i'll just leave it at that.     then maybe mom wasn't in heaven. 

So, got in the house and threw my hands up,   i am feeling really weak so I ate  some cerael... and guess who appears... ITS MADELINE!  standing there as if nothing had happened.   Oh lord.. I was so happy,, i wanted to throw her across the room...

U know when someone is lost and you find them  and after the initial  shock and  tears U realize  oh my  god   how could u do that!!!

so thats how I feel... man... now i gotta clean her poop

Noah's Sudden Death-May 2006-Goodbye my friend

Noahs gone...
A little over an hour and a half ago Chris called to tell me that Noah had died.
I'm in a great deal of shock right now and terribly hurt. I will write more about it tomorrow.

I have to write him a note and tell him goodbye. That he was the cutest little kitten and the sweetest cat. And that I am sooo sorry I wasn't there.
Chris gave me some gory details. WE were a six pack, mom, me, sydney, georgie, cody and noah. Now, i don't know where chris's friends took Noahs remains. And i don't understand how a four year old cat could just drop dead.

God, my poor little poor boy.. I am so sorry, god, i am gonna miss you.

 


NOAH AIDAN October 2002- May 2006. Its okay, baby kitty, mom and dad will take care of you.

MY CAT DIED
The grief is overwelming and so is the guilt..someone have mercy on me!

Goodbye My Friend
A SHORT MEMORIAL FOR NOAH AIDAN.
HE WAS BORN IN OCTOBER 2002 AND HE CROSSED THE RAINBOW BRIDGE ON MAY 14, 2006

I do not want this to be Noah's only memorial, and it will not be the only one.
I would like to tell as short as possible the account of Noah's death as told to me by my roommate Christine Smith. I was not there.

   

Life had just begun.

On Sunday May 13, 2006 Chris told me that Noah was fine. It was just a normal Sunday night. Noah sat in her room, and then went back to my room. The next day, May 14th. Chris got up for work and could not find Noah. When she returned from work, she got worried and went to look for him. Finally, she found him under my bed. She made a noise to try and get him to move because it is very dark under my bed she could not see him clearly. When she got tired of trying to get him to come out, she grabbed his body (which she didn't know then) and pulled it out. Noah was stiff, he was dead.

According to Chris, she was terrified. She did not know what to do or who to call. Finally, she called two of her friends. After the friends left, she called me.

The most regret I have in my heart is that I was not able to bury my little 4 year old angel. Chris's friends took my babies remains and threw him in a dumpster. This is a picture that will stay in my head forever. I was very angry. However the next day, i called Chris again to try to ascertain what had happened. I was happy that she told me she loved Noah and missed him and she had been racking her brain just like i had to figure out what could have happened to him.

I left the phone call hurt, but there was a small amount of peace when Chris said something very nice and very much not like her.

Chris mentioned that she had been crying for a few days as had I, but the first thing she thought of to make her feel better was Noah in heaven, sitting on my mother's lap. Happy and well. My mother is comforting to a scared kitty, and she pets him and they sit together, perhaps forever.


   

Here we have three of the cats together in my den. Noah is on the floor in the middle. Georgie is by the computer and Cody is on the couch.



A Prayer for Animals
Albert Schweitzer

Hear our humble prayer, O God,
for our friends the animals,
especially for those who are suffering;
for any that are hunted or lost
or deserted or frightened or hungry;
for all that must be put to sleep.

We entreat for them all Thy mercy and pity,
and for those who deal with them
we ask a heart of compassion
and gentle hands and kindly words.
Make us be true friends to animals
and so to share the blessings of the merciful.



 

Prayer For Animals
Saint Francis of Assisi

God Our Heavenly Father,

You created the world to serve humanity's needs and to lead them to You. By our own fault we have lost the beautiful relationship which we once had with all your creation. Help us to see that by restoring our relationship with You we will also restore it with all Your creation. Give us the grace to see all animals as gifts from You and to treat them with respect for they are Your creation. We pray for all animals who are suffering as a result of our neglect. May the order You originally established be once again restored to the whole world through the intercession of the Glorious Virgin Mary, the prayers of St. Francis and the merits of Your Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ Who lives and reigns with You now and forever. Amen.

   


Poem For Cats
Author Unknown

And God asked the feline spirit
Are you ready to come home?
Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
And, as a cat, you know I am most able
To decide anything for myself.

Are you coming then? asked God.
Soon, replied the whiskered angel
But I must come slowly
For my human friends are troubled
For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

But don't they understand? asked God
That you'll never leave them?
That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity?
That nothing is created or destroyed?
It just is....forever and ever and ever.

Eventually they will understand,
Replied the glorious cat
For I will whisper into their hearts
That I am always with them
I just am....forever and ever and ever.

 




Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....




   

P.S. To my Noah, i have written a letter. I have created a memorial box for you. I have as many photos as i can here. I have Pauls Loss of a pet card, and the hello kitty he gave me to represent you. I gave you my soft pink elephant which is actually a baby toy. It has a little rattle in it. If i get home.. Chris and I will fix you another memorial in the backyard. You will never be out of my life. I love you. Goodbye my friend!!

Saving Grace with claws?

These are my two foster kittens that I got last Saturday April 22nd from H.A.L.O. They are about a month old. I can't name them because i'll get to attached. I have to give them back in a few weeks. However, it seems since they got here, things have been better with me. I am neglecting the older cats to take care of the little ones.. hour by hour..
If they cry.. I feed them.. pick them up.. give them eye medicine..clean their box, try and put them to sleep.

Anything to take care of the little things. They have claws of death.. I have been scratched from head to toe. I also gave them both a bath, and removed any fleas i saw with tweasers.

I am glad they are here on nights like today when I feel ignored and a bit ashamed. I finally worked today after 7 fucking months.. I had a short photo shoot this morning and i made 60 dollars. I hope the photos turn out well, I have a haircut which i just LOVE.. Its red and black. I got that this monday.

So paul has a new hobby,, trading stocks on the net.. he is on the computer 24/7 so yeah i feel really ignored.

I feel sorta ashamed of a video I did for my group which now has 400 people! I gave Paul a blowjob on camera and then put it on the group. I feel sorta sleezy.

Things have been just stagnant and shitty since before the kittens. I also payed 50.00 dollars to have my mom's memorial site (which is mentioned in the last entry) on the net forever.. I also happened to notice that the people I know didn't even bother to light a candle for her.. Hmmm..

Well i better go grab the babies..

Pictures of kittens.. oh no!

I have no fucking clue why i insist on doing  pointless shit at 5 in the morning, especially when i have to get up and go to my morphine doctor in the morning. but I am just so darn proud!

This is Casey. I am still not sure if the babies are boys are girls yet, but i think they are both girls. They still have fleas...(as in a flea was crawling across my face the other night) it was not cool. And these are BIG ASS fleas. They aren't old enough to put advantage on them yet.. We are  not sure how old they are but we think 6-8 weeks. They are on solid food now, and have us both itching. Casey, is the  sweet one. I think she is going to be a lap cat! I really hope!

 This is Jayden, (little rambo) for short. She or he is probably the cutest of the two right now because of the long hair, but in the end I think Casey will win the cute contest, She is unique with her gray fur.

So, those are my two new babies,,, for my next tattoo, i want to get my cat Cody's eyes tattooed on my back. her eyes are turquiouse like a bahama ocean.