I finally made myself go on Tuesday. Lets just put it this way, I DID NOT HAVE FUN! IT was one of my first attempts at getting OUT IN THE REAL WORLD!, it was fucking tough, anyway they have the meeting every 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month.
So, for my first attempt at real socialization, I was disappointed. When I got there, i decided that I wasnt gonna talk because it was my first meeting. I got there late because i got totally lost trying to find the church where the meeting took place.
I felt like an idiot when the facilitor told me to get up and put on a name tag, so I sat down and there were only about 7 people there including me! NOT MANY! I immediately recognized a woman that i had sorta known at another support group that i used to attend years ago, so i was kinda embarrassed and creeped out (because i'll get to that later)
The thing is, i had NOTHING in common with any of the group members, I have severe depression and anxiety for which i take MANY MANY Pills, but no one else there was talking about anything like that. After a few minutes a black lady with a very pronounced birth mark or scarring all over her face and arms came and sat down. She told everyone her name and that "she was hearing voices" all the time" (Suddenly, i thought, god, maybe im not so mentally ill after all).. (but only for a minute).
She said that they hadnt diagnosed her with schizophrenia yet, but she was on medication for it, and that the only things that kept the voices away were her friends, family and keeping busy (I thought great, i have no family, no friends, and i sleep all day) good thing im not hearing voices-YET..
Then two shy men who were there because of their OCD-Obsessive compulsive disorder, started to talk about all the "rituals" that they had to perform before they could leave the house, and the two became instant friends, leaving the group with each others phone numbers.. and laughing that they were gonna chat about some good ol' OCD. (well i dont have OCD EITHER)
Then the leader of the group, a heavy set man, mentioned that he was in his mid-forties and still lived with his mom! So, as he talked he was trying to figure out how to keep conflict to a minimim when him and his mother wanted to watch the same TV SHOWS (ROLLS EYES) and he was terrified about what would happen to him at FORTY! if his mother died on him, he said he mother did everything for him, payed all the bills, got all the food, he just got to stay in his mental illness and worry about nothing else (i felt really angry about that) thinking how ive been supporting myself since i was 23, and my mother died. (thinking how unfair it was)
The woman who i mentioned earlier that i knew from another support group was the only one talking about having suicidal feelings and not much family. The problem with that is.. SHE SCARES ME.. she always has.. Shes like skin and bones, weighs something like 90 pounds and she cant seem to ever sit still in her chair, Shes always got to be picking at her fingernails or kicking her feet, and it DROVE mE nuts then and it drove me nuts this time..
Anyway, once the meeting was over, seems like everyone was doing GREAT NOW, except for me. The woman who heard voices.. said she felt so much better now.. (i have no clue why) and the two men who had made friends talking about their OCD compulsions left the meeting babbling on happily about it. THen the 40-year old who still lived with his mother asked the 90 pound anxiety lady if she wanted to go to mcdonalds and get a soda... He didnt ask anyone else of course... so i had to walk out of the meeting alone and feeling stupid.. so i just had a smoke and drove on my way. So, it seems i have nothing in common with even the REALLY MENTALLY ILL!
I wonder if i should waste my (valueable)-not time going back a place that made me feel bad and with people that i have nothing in common with.... Geez, so severe depression and suicidal thoughts arent the (cool) thing anymore, U need to have OCD or be HEARING THINGS! Well thats what happened at my first support group in years. i guess i could go for feedback on this post, if its nice.. u know on wheter i should go back or not!
Sincerely, your severe depresso,
Your-so-called life Woman
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