this is very hard to write, but I thought I should document whats going on for posterity. Ive been off the morphine that ive been taking for years for severe vaginal pain, because there was no doctor in Memphis that could get me in.... I thought i wouldnt have any withdrawal because ive been going down from 90 mg to 60 mg and finally to 30mg for about a month.. I have some Lame medication called clonidine that is supposted to help, but it doesnt really.
Right now, since I have had no pill for about 2 days, withdrawal symtoms started yesterday basically, even though i have the clonidine. The clonidine only stops the nausea and the cold and hot sweats. The doctor said that my vaginal pain would most likely get much worse as my body adjusts to not having any pain medication in my brain.. and god thats true... Im popping Ibuprofen and tylenol like candy, but its not working really. The symptoms of RLS, as well as the dripping of the nose and the watering of the eyes started last night. RLS is Restless Leg Syndrome, it keeps me from sleeping. My legs feel like they need to move, even though they arent supposted to. ALso, now here sunday at 5 pm, my entire body feels so weak. This is a big symptom. I find it hard to move, however most of my body has RLS. Paul is still here, he went to get the refill of the clonidine. I wanna cry and i wanna scream, i feel so bad and its not fair.
I ruined pauls last two days here, we were gonna go shooting at rangemaster with my .38. Rangemaster is an indoor gun range, Paul has never shot a handgun before, but its not gonna happen.
guilt makes the vaginal pain worse too, Ive been rocking back and forth while he was in the shower. This really isnt right, i feel so tired that it basically takes energy to breath. Im not a drug dealer, im not a drug addict. Ive been taking the morphine because of real pain. Its not right for me to have to indure the pain and the withdrawal. Most medication sites say the worst of the withdrawal will be over in three days, but Paul leaves on Tuesday.. I let him down.. I always let him down..
This is bad, its really bad... its hard to know what else to say, only that i dont know how much longer i'll feel so sick. The vaginal pain is INCREDIBLE. It burns and stings and aches and theres nothing i can do to stop it, once the withdrawal ends, the vaginal pain will keep on going.. God, i pray it wont be as severe as it is now. If it is, i'll be totally bedridden.
All this, because Im back in a city that doest believe in legitamate pain medication. My psychiatrist was sad for me at my last appointment. Hes an old jewish guy, he didnt think it was right that I had to go through this and he told me that he doesnt understand why most pain doctors here dont believe in continuous pain medication management.
but everything went wrong, he reffered me to a pain doctor who was in the same building, but i called the doctor and he is retiring. that was my last hope, I saw a specalist back in october, the guy manages vulvodynia, but does not give pain meds. He told me i had to be off my pain medication and basically experience all the pain for six months before he would attempt any rehabiltion of the area.
my only hope is christmas, paul said i fly back and try to get my california pain doc to see me. But that is weeks away, and if the pain continues I cant sit for three hours on a plane.
I really need some prayer by anyone who reads this, please pray for me, I couldnt make it to church today, obviously, but i need a higher powers help, that is my only hope for relief.
Believe me when i say I hope you feel better now! How much can one woman go through!
Posted by: Bezzer | May 24, 2011 at 06:24 PM
I have never been ill so I cannot imagine what it is that you are going through! Still I do think about you and wish you the very best x
Posted by: Bezzer | May 27, 2011 at 05:26 PM