"The Potpourri Diaries"

Punkie Pie has died too! AND A KALEDISCOPE OF WEBSITES

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http://www.real-talent.com/punkypie LINK NO LONGER WORKS!!!!!

 

Okay first things first,  that i cant believe  i feel good enough today to be writing here at one in the morning on pauls laptop..I really hate laptops, you know, im just not used to them AT ALL! Just not at all, they are a strange and foreign thing. Anyway, I just found out, now this is not a top priority in my sesspool of problems or anything, but I just found out that the NEW PORN that I was advertising and basically JUST JOINED IS OUT OF BUSINESS!! So, yes, are I am sure you are wondering, I GOT SCAMMED!! Yes, along with about 30 other women. So, that is why you happen to see the somewhat nasty photo of me sucking on a lollipop, because I am now not  nude anywhere on the net in like a um (condenced) package. AND YEAH IM PISSED I GOT SCAMMED!! So, for my MILLIONS OF LJ readers, i think its time for the GROSS little nudie pics.. because frankly I have no where else to put them!  Anyway, im actually tired and dont feel like doing this, but my point to this entry is of course KALIDESCOPE OF WEBSITES...... I am going to list the AT LEAST 25-30 websites that I can remember that i am on or that have something to do with me...... and the reason I am doing that is because.....last night i was MAD AT THE WORLD, because I figure,,,,,,, How is it possible to be on so many sites and literally for years....NOT MAKE ONE FRIEND.. but its possible......So, im going to list a few of the obvious here when they come to mind, but im getting tired and need to brush my teeth, i can of course finish the list later......... U know, its a desperate attempt that someone will come to my Desperate aid...... U know be my friend....WAHHHH.. cause I SURE AS HELL AM ON ENOUGH FUCKING WEBSITES!!!  SO, HERE WE GO.....!!!!
ONE--http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Sign_In&template=/security/login.cfm This is the website for the national assosiation for the mentally ill.. nope havent helped me once!


http://www.rockyou.com/my_stuff.php?loginType=ryLogin&email=faceandmurdock%40yahoo.com--this is photosharing site

http://www.bzoink.com/~robochicky76    this is supposted to be a social network site.. not ONE FRIEND

http://www.nolongerlonely.com/view.php?profile=26938  this is my profile at a site called nolongerlonely.com its supposted to help people with mental illness find love.. NOT A SOUL!

http://www.patientslikeme.com/profile okay this one pisses me off the most its called patients like me where people are supposted to SUPPORT AND HELP EACH OTHER AND MAKE FRIENDS.. NOT A DAMN THING!

http://profiles.friendster.com/punkypie okay this is called friendster a social networking site. I got TWO count um two friends out of this one.

http://www.myyearbook.com/punkypie THIS IS ANOTHER SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE LIKE MYSPACE NO FRIENDS FROM IT!

http://www.mychurch.org/member/myhome.php ONE OF MY MOST DISAPPOINTING SOCIAL SITES ITS SUPPOSTED TO BE CHRISTIAN FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!

AND IM NOT DONE FOLKS< MANY MORE SITES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP!

HERES MY FACEBOOK SITE--SOMEONE PLEASE COME JOIN ME SERIOSLY

Okay i cant get that to work just look under Annemieke J. Patterson and thats me.

Im on twitty too. and myspace.

 

"Chillin.. in the graveyard..

Well, folks you can actually go take a look at "Poor Punky's" altar ego "Virgin Rose" at www.photoconfessions.comYou know they have been ripping me off for years! I just know it! I joined them way before I charmed Southern Charms and Ive Never seen a dime! but you can see me for 6 dollars...

 

Well folks here I am just a sittin.. and chillin.. in the my mom's graveyard around this September (because that was the last time Paul was here) and I only usually go when hes here, dont know why because the grave is only about 20 minutes away. I reckon im running out of things, or i never really did have anything else that i havent already said to my mom.

I feel that i must represent this page from a quote from JOHN DENVER, "I KNOW THAT THIS LIFE IS WORTH LIVIN, YES I DO, BUT SOMETIMES IT JUST ISNT FAIR" Nope, its not fair, and this picture isnt really "fair" Its usually supposted to be the the 45-99 year old woman whos looking down at her moms grave, not a 22-year old girl......NOW 32 of course, but you get the idea!! maybe, perhaps you do!

anyway here I am adusting the plastic flowers that Paul and I put on the grave last year around the anniversary of her death. I hadnt been to the graveyard for almost a year, so I was totally shocked that our one year old flowers were rotting and hadnt been touched at all. I was very sad, this most likely means that no one else had been by in over a year, and I think that really sucks! Her friends should at least come to visit, even though it has been 8 years.

You know I think a lot about what would happen if I went to heaven and I saw my mom now. I think it would be reallly scary and odd. I mean i havent seen her in 9 years! Imagine not seeing your parents for that long. Basically nothing has changed for me (job wise) or residence wise, i did graduate from college in 2005 and she missed that, but even though things are pretty much the same as they were 9 years ago, Im not the same as i was, im a totally different person. and i know that shes a totally different pereon  from the woman who died. the woman that I knew as my mother from ages 1-22, shes not there anymore, i know she has changed. So anyway, its a weird thing to think about.

I was gonna put another pic, its a closeup of the symbol on moms grave, apparently the graveyard lets you choose little symbols that you want on the persons grave, like a baseball, for a sports fan, a cross for a religious person, an airplane for someone who loved flying... Hers was picked out by my uncle, its an angel woman putting a necklace on a little girl. i wonder if it didnt start out to mean anything, or it just evolved into meaning something, but i kinda see in it my mom keeping the cross the she gave me--which I always wear--around my neck... I dont know....

 

YOUR SO-CALLED LIFE GIRL 

"Nudie" Punky is dead, 'we can cry real tears now, but i have another link for ya

well seems as if the site, http://www.southern-charms3.com/punky/main.htm  (PUNKY THE ALTAR EGO FOR OVER TWO YEARS)is no more, even though you know it may have been a Crappy way to make a few extra bucks and an exuse to actually get my ex-boyfriend Paul to see me naked when he comes around once in a three month period!

but i must say there was a lot of work (yeah work)! involved in the 60 or so photo sets we did during four years. (most all were contained on my Southern charms site) Now, they are just meaningless work blowing in the winds of cyberspace. (Punky) worked really hard on the costume ideas, (she even had to make some (objectionable clothing purchases) and she worked really hard at her photo sessions (which for the last year have ONLY been in front of my ex-boyfriend! But because punky wasnt a hoe, southern charm she only got pictures when her ex came to town, so that didnt leave her with many new sets.. The requirement to be( punky, )was that I had to update two sets of photos a month AT LEAST NEW PHOTOS OR I WOULD GET DELETED WITH NO WARNIMG APPERATNLY) and since she only saw paul every few months she couldnt get enough photos and her 5 years of net came to a crashing end! taking with it, a little money, but mostly taking any sexual self esteem that i would ever have left, after what my ex and i have been through. SO< FOLKS!!!!, R.I. P, she was a member of many interent

 groups!
Create your own custom glitter graphic!

 

 

Create your own custom glitter graphic!

OH FOLKS, ACTUALLY MAN I LOOK LIKE A HUGE SLUT! EVEN THOUGH MOST OF YOU KNOW MY REAL PATHETIC SEX STATUS--I MEAN REAL PATHETIC, BUT I FORGOT IM ON ANOTHER ADULT SITE. ITS BEEN RIPPING ME OFF I THINK FOR ABOUT THREE YEARS!!!! DAMN.. WELL FOR ANY PUNKY FOLKS I GUESS YOU CAN GO SEE THE )OLD) OLD ME......AT http://www.photoconfessions.com/   MY MODEL IS "VIRGIN ROSE"  WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.. HMMMM>

Freudian Friday

HI FOLKS, I HAVE THERAPY FRIDAY sometimes, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD FIND SOME FUNNY PSYCHOLOGICAL CARTOON  TO CELEBRATE THE FRIDAY VISITS TO MY SHRINK SIGMUND FREUD

 

  

My mentally ill support group "adventure"

I finally made myself go on Tuesday. Lets just put it this way, I DID NOT HAVE FUN!  IT was one of my first attempts at getting OUT IN THE REAL WORLD!, it was fucking tough, anyway they have the meeting every 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month.

So, for my first attempt at real socialization, I was disappointed. When I got there, i decided that I wasnt gonna talk because it was my first meeting. I got there late because i got totally lost trying to find the church where the meeting took place.

I felt like an idiot when the facilitor told me to get up and put on a name tag, so I sat down and there were only about 7 people there including me! NOT MANY! I immediately recognized a woman that i had sorta known at another support group that i used to attend years ago, so i was kinda embarrassed and creeped out (because i'll get to that later)

 The thing is, i had NOTHING in common with any of the group members, I have severe depression and anxiety for which i take MANY MANY Pills, but no one else there was talking about anything like that. After a few minutes a black lady with a very pronounced birth mark or scarring all over her face and arms came and sat down. She told everyone her name and that "she was hearing voices" all the time" (Suddenly, i thought, god, maybe im not so mentally ill after all).. (but only for a minute).

She said that they hadnt diagnosed her with schizophrenia yet, but she was on medication for it, and that the only things that kept the voices away were her friends, family and keeping busy (I thought great, i have no family, no friends, and i sleep all day) good thing im not hearing voices-YET..

Then two shy men who were there because of their OCD-Obsessive compulsive disorder, started to talk about all the "rituals" that they had to perform before they could leave the house, and the two became instant friends, leaving the group with each others phone numbers.. and laughing that they were gonna chat about some good ol' OCD.  (well i dont have OCD EITHER) 

Then the leader of the group, a heavy set man, mentioned that he was in his mid-forties and still lived with his mom! So, as he talked he was trying to figure out how to keep conflict to a minimim when him and his mother wanted to watch the same TV SHOWS (ROLLS EYES) and he was terrified about what would happen to him at FORTY! if his mother died on him, he said he mother did everything for him, payed all the bills, got all the food, he just got to stay in his mental illness and worry about nothing else (i felt really angry about that) thinking how ive been supporting myself since i was 23, and my mother died. (thinking how unfair it was)

The woman who i mentioned earlier that i knew from another support group was the only one talking about having suicidal feelings and not much family. The problem with that is.. SHE SCARES ME.. she always has.. Shes like skin and bones, weighs something like 90 pounds and she cant seem to ever sit still in her chair, Shes always got to be picking at her fingernails or kicking her feet, and it DROVE mE nuts then and it drove me nuts this time..

Anyway, once the meeting was over, seems like everyone was doing GREAT NOW, except for me. The woman who heard voices.. said she felt so much better now.. (i have no clue why) and the two men who had made friends talking about their OCD compulsions left the meeting babbling on happily about it. THen the 40-year old who still lived with his mother asked the 90 pound anxiety lady if she wanted to go to mcdonalds and get a soda... He didnt ask anyone else of course... so i had to walk out of the meeting alone and feeling stupid.. so i just had a smoke and drove on my way. So, it seems i have nothing in common with even the REALLY MENTALLY ILL!

I wonder if i should waste my (valueable)-not time going back a place that made me feel bad and with people that i have nothing in common with.... Geez, so severe depression and suicidal thoughts arent the (cool) thing anymore, U need to have OCD or be HEARING THINGS! Well thats what happened at my first support group in years. i guess i could go for feedback on this post, if its nice.. u know on wheter i should go back or not!

 

Sincerely, your severe depresso,

Your-so-called life Woman

OH my god! lane Bryant dude, Un-COOL! I gained the weight from all my psychatrict meds

Nope, i dont know any of these wonderfully large women, i got there photo from photobucket but I imagaine that they have to order their clothes from layne bryant, just like i just ordered a fucking pair of pants from there. While, i havent reached HIPPO size yet, Lanyne bryant for anyone who doesnt know is a store for PLUS SIZE women.  I cant get out and shop and the size 14's that i ordered from target just WERENT BIG ENOUGH, so i thought well i just buy my some size 16! shorts from the layne bryant website... and boy did it do a blow to my non-esxistant self esteem.. I mean man!  I feel like i wanna just keep sleeping on the couch and never moving like ive been doing and make sure i smoke a lot so i wont eat anymore.....

. I aint ranting.. im just sayin.. Ladies if youve been skinny and suddenly circumstances cause you to gain... IT HURTS DOESNT IT!!!! SO thats what im sayin!

Was it and is it still embarrassing to be a nude model? and March 25 07 the story of my last shoot

 

 

Throughout this blog, you will most likely, if you look deep enough into it, run into several posts about my previous and on-going nude modeling. One, i would like to say that things have changed considerably on this subject since 2005-2006. Im not sure the reason that I really started it.... I didused to go over to a "photographers" house with my ex-boyfriend as a chaperone and I might get paid 50 dollars or so for a session. No sexual activity ever went on at any of these "pro-shoots"  nor did any sexual activity occur within the monogomy of (mine and my ex's seven year relationship) but thats another story altogheter.

Nowadays, the only (nude stuff) i do is when I come to visit my ex about every two months and I post the photos that he takes on an amateur site called Southern Charms. I dont ever go over to anyones house anymore, or have "pro" photo shoots. Im not sure again, why i started... but i do also have nude photos on flickr which some people are probably surprised and maybe a little shocked to find.... trust me.. i know im not very hot.. thats why im on Southern charms. most are the girls (well are regular looking) to say the least.

the reason i even thought to post this is because i saw a trackback from someone on netflix and i can imagine that he was probably surprised to find nude flickr photos. You do hear girls say this ALL THE TIME.. well i didnt have a father figure.. I didnt.. but oh well.. I dont have any parents that would be embarrassed by what i have done in the past, nor relatives so theres no danger there.

In 2005, for some reason i just was a exercise machine and i was a bit anorexic so i thought-hey why not. i look good. im really really skinny! I was.. plus i thought it might put a little bit of spice into my relationships basically non-existant sex life.. I dont know, thats a little bit of whats up with that..

GUYS go easy on me here on the comments. PLEASE.. im kinda in a fragile mental state at the moment!!! Thanks!! Peace!! Oh i sorta didnt answer my own question.. Yes and no.. its embarrassing, depending on who finds out.. but not so much, in other ways.. its hard to expalian!

BELOW IS A (NOT SO NAUGHTY PHOTO) TAKEN IN 2006

March 25, 07, the story of my last shoot.THIS IS A GOOD STORY GUYS

So, it was a lovely spring day and "Ivy Jeanette" was finally going on her first photos shoot since October 2006. She was going to work with "Savannah Skye" a tiny 100 pound photographer whom she had worked with once before.  Unfortunatly, "Ivy" still had to get a ride from (the evil nuclear bomb genius)  but even that she was determined would not mess up this day.
So, "Ivy" and "EnBG" drove for about an hour until we got to Emeryville, CA. Sadly, a rather bad hood which was very close to Oakland. It was also right near the ocean which made things rather chilly for a nude model, but my nipples would stand up, NO PROBLEM!
Anyway, we arrived at Savannah Skye's apartment, all i had with me was a red bath robe and some 1 dollar White rain hairspray. When Ivy and ENBG went inside we were both pretty shocked at the apartment, even though Savannah Skye was a great person, the place that she lived wasnt.  SS lived with another photographer  who had long greasy hair and was missing a few teeth, also his "wife" was living there. She was rather large, but thats about all we knew. THe apartment was only about two rooms. There was only one bed for three folks??? Another reason, it was extremely cluttered was that the floors the shelves  on the ceilings and basically everywhere were lined with Anime tapes and posters. There was a very sick cat on the (bed) She had an eye infection and she was also bleeding from the rear (the greasy haired guy) claimed she had had two miscarriages, he also claimed that the cat was near death. (I was pretty furious about that, wanting to call the Aspca or someone to get her)
In short, I wanted outta that cramped little cluttered place quick!  Luckily, i got my wish The greasy guy and Savannah Skye got into a rather cheesy (attempted souped up toyota celica)

So then, Ivy and ENBG followed them to some railroad tracks--Now these werent just any tracks--up above our heads was a maze of freeways (including the one that fell down in the tanker truck fire) 
When we got out of the car there was this unbelievable stinch.  It smelled about 20 times worse than my cats litter box--no surprise because it was a sewage treatment plant on the other side of the tracks. It was really odd because the greasy guy and Savannah Skye didnt even seem to notice. At the other end of the tracks was a car--not just any car (it was a car that had been stripped clean and then set on fire!)
By now, Ivy has major reserves about her nipples sticking out around here. Fortunatly, her savior would come pretty soon! While Savannah Skye was putting on Ivys makeup in the back of ENBG's car a cop pulled up. He was actually (a railroad authority cop)  with a K-9 in the back--meaning a massive barking german sheperd. He told Greasy Guy and ENBG that other cops had reported two suspious vechicles in the area. (He left) but SS kept doing Ivys makeup.
In about ten minutes--the cop came back. This time he got out of his car and precided to talk to greasy guy and enbg for about 20 minutes. Enbg. likes to babble on and on when he is nervous (which means any social situation) so, the cop told them that trespassing was 30 days in jail (no questions or execptions)  He also mentioned that a gang of hispanics had just started robbing anyone in the area in broad daylight.
HE said that gangs watched from the warehouses around the area and then jumped people for their clothes, shoes and money. (By now Ivy was very nervous and wanted to get the hell outta there)
So once the cop and greasy guy and Engb shut-up we got the fuck outta there)  (Bein raped isnt worth a free nude shoot, U THINK..
So, we ended up at another place called (albany bulb) by the locals and that is where the photos below come from!   I could tell a little more about it.. but naw.... Just check the photos out... its a weird ass place!!!

   

IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!! A WARNING TO ALL ABOUT CRIME, AFTER I WAS ASSAULTED!

Hello folks,

As you probably know, Im Anna; I am not here to rant about anything, but I want to extend a warning to ALL WOMEN about crime. Sadly, circumstances created a less than ideal living area for me. I am a single white (mentally disabled) woman, who has to reside here in an entirely african-amercian neighborhood in Memphis (a city which does have one of the highest crime rates in the nation, and is known for being extremely dangerous) However, this does not excuse the fact that I was assaulted a week ago today in a Walgreens parking lot (which is less than a mile from my house)

Ladies! No matter how much you think "It cant happen to me" Let me let you know that IT CAN!

 

My assault has (unfortuantely) two parts to it, the specific reason that I was targeted was because the person who assaulted me thought that I was a (gay, transgenger) or something white male, when of course I am COMPETLEY AND TOTALLY A HETOROSEXUAL WOMAN!  However, from the back, it is difficult to tell, because I do have short hair (however I feel that as a human being I have the right to have short hair) and not be threatened with my life.

 

Anyway, to go on with what happened, last Wednesday a little before dusk, I drove down to Walgreens just to purchase a pack of cigarrettes. I was only in the store perhaps five minutes, however when I was walking to my car, I heard shouting coming from a grayish SUV which was parked a few feet away from me. The shouting was coming from a young african american male who was in the back seat. There was also an african american female in the front seat of the car.

The male was screaming at me (he wanted to know) (What the hell I was) Through other obscenties, he yelled, (are you a cunt, fag,--what)? He also mentioned that he had been "watching me" I was shocked, I had never seen these people in my entire life! I had no idea who they were, so I answered back, (look i dont know you people, just mind your business and go on) Well, this wasnt enough for the assaulant. So finally as he was still screaming at me, I had to say Look Just Fuck off)

 

Well, that was my final word, (people who have been treatened with assault or crime always say How fast it happened) and that is so true.. It all happened in what seemed like a split second. Suddenly the screaming, very irrational african american male sprinted from the backseat of his car over to my vechile. He first stopped on the sidewalk in front of me, ranting and yelling that (HE HAD A GUN ON HIM AND THAT HE WAS GONNA POP A CAP IN ME NOW) If I Drove away. I said nothing, but I only had a second to get into my car and lock the doors before he was on the passenger side of my car, he started pulling on the door handle TRYING TO GET IN, so he then rammed on my window and threatened my life again. (Screaming once again that he had a gun and that he would shot me at Point blank range through my window if I did not roll it down)

I

did what he said, as he screamed more obsentities at me, demanding that I answer him as to (who I was) making it clear to me, that i would not get away if i did not answer.  So, I remembered as quickly as a could the things that I have seen on crime prevention shows or shows about how to handle an irrational assaulant. I knew i had to try and calm him down, if i wanted my life, or else the situation would have esculated. (and yes by Gods Grace I was able to keep my head about me) so I calmly said, (Look, I really apologize (even though i had done nothing) Im a white woman okay, now, please you really need to chill, i am sorry if you felt disrespect, but U know it isnt worth killing me, Im not gay. just please calm down...

The crummy thing is that the other person who was in the same vechile, the african american female did nothing, I assume that she was probably laughing the entire time.. Finally, after a third death threat.. Where the assaulant, screamed.. something to the effect of.. (Hurry the hell up and get your nasty cunt ass out of here and if I EVER SEE YOU at this store Again, I WILL KILL YOU)  Only then did the other occupant of the vechile step out and pull the male away.. just casually telling him to (come on) as if nothing had ever taken place.

As, i drove away, I could still hear endless obsentities coming from his mouth and i am sure i could see a bit of a smirky grin on the female occupants face.

So, as you might imagine I was pretty shaken up, I decided to go ahead and call the police (only thinking that I might be able to save someone else from going through the same thing) I didnt think the police would take it seriously.. however to my surprise.. they took it very seriously. Two cops came over and they took a report.

As i said it has been a week today, and this has totally altered a lot of things, I have not been able to sleep in my bedroom, just out of fear, so I have moved to the couch and now sleep there. Obviously, i can  never go back to the Walgreens where the incident occured, because I took this assaulants final death threat VERY SERIOUSLY.. so, i have to drive a long long way out of my way to get my prescriptions at another walgreens from  now on.. and I have a lot of prescriptions.. I havent been able to talk to a professional yet about what happened, but I hope that i get to soon.

This assault has changed the way I trust in God, changed just a lot of things. I am glad that I did get away with my life of course and did not die last week in the parking lot or obviously i wouldnt be typing this to you (my fellow bloggers.

Again, ladies, whereever you live, it can still happen.. so please ladies watch and be aware of your surroundings AT ALL TIMES! even if you do not live in a high crime area!!

I am hoping that i will be able to move from this neighborhood soon, my accountant is working on it, sadly because i am disabled and only have so much money.. we have a lot of obstacltes when it comes to getting my out of this crime ridden area.... but I am trying desperatly to take (one day at a time) I take mace with me now wherever i go.. and hope that moving will be possible for me in the near future..

Peace, my blogging friends and Please be careful out there....HOWEVER..

 

Really? what is the point of blogging, especially personal diaries?

well, folks, I have been writing personal diary blogs for YEARS! as you can tell from this one. However, while I get on blogexplosion and blogrocket a lot, I wonder "Whats the point of all blogging?" I mean, none of us are famous, and most likely will never be. So since most blogs are about (politics or hobbies) I guess in that case it doesnt make much difference, it can be a cool way to showcase your views or whatever hobby you are into. However, the personal diary blog as much as i do like doing it sometimes, you know its hard to get readers. Basically, why would anyone want to read about the personal struggles of someone that they dont even know?   I know most folks on blogexplosion just past by the things that they read so they can earn credits, so whats the fun in that?    So, i wonder how come I care about getting more readers from blogexpolsion. Is it because I want some kind of attention, yeah, thats a reason, but i dont tend to ever get it. And neither do I see many of the blogs that I pass by, get much attention either.

If i were famous, then someone would care about my personal life (even though theres not much to tell) except the fact that i cant sleep cause (well its a mental illness problem) and im sitting over a towel which has my vomit from todays barcardi 151.   I'm a single woman, with no kids and no parents and i live in the ghetto.. im not famous, im not anything.. but, i still bother blogging.. I wonder why everyone else does??

 

The shut in-s dreams and supernatural And ANOTHER DREAM ABOUT MOM

OKAY IM LYING.. EVERYTIME ME AND THIS KITTEN SAY WE DONT CARE, IT REALLY MEANS WE CARE A SHIT LOAD!!!

 

.

I dreamed that I was asleep (exept i was asleep) in reality.... seemed as

though i was watching myself sleep--dreaming this.. I kept thinking my mom is gonna make me get up and go to church with her.. cause this is sunday.. but im really hung over.. god i hope she leaves me alone..   

then.. hard to explain.. As i was thinking this.. I felt.. my mother come into my room watch  me sleeping.    She seemed to realize.after a long period of time that. she shouldnt wake me up..

  so.. as i was watching myself sleep (and was asleep)  I could sense that she was standing over me..  she stood there for a while staring at me.. then i saw.. or felt.. hands.. i couldnt see her face.. only hands and her big ol afro.. hair..

  the hands touched me and she seemed to move in to kiss me... (as if just to leave me there cause she knew i didnt feel like going to church with her)  then in my sleep I could feel more like a spirt (her spirit) finally being satisfied to leave me be.. but that she had hugged me a proper goodbye.....  The she seemed to float down the hall and go out the side door.. on her way to church just like she did in reality on sunday..

 

never to come back in the house again.. she just seemed to float out the door.. on to church..

Im confused.. only paul will get the signigficance of this dream anyway.. shes been gone 7 years and that was the oddest dream ive ever had.. In 7 years, i only dream of her in nightmares.. horrible nightmares which repeat themselves.. a lot..  never anything like last night..NEVER.

Was i actually dreaming that i was asleep.. or was i just really asleep and she really came and hugged me goodbye and looked at me for a long time..  and then left the house??  oh man, im gonna have to think on this one some more..

Kai.. says he believes in ghosts and spirtis and paul and me have been to a lot of supposdely haunted places during our 4 years in cali.. i seem to have convinced an agnostic of spirits existance..

The extremem loss of faith last night.that i had..... maybe the dream wasnt a dream..  People just have to be more open minded.. most havent seen five dead bodies in their lifetime by the time they are 23.. 

 

 anyway, this friday and sat, i was so bored that i was looking though the massive amout of papers that belong to mom and dad.. On friday night i picked up the dresser drawer and put it in the living room... the drawer.. which contained cards that i had made for mom when i was little..  Three and four years old..

it is known that spirts cause extreme cold spots..

 well.. it took me hours to look through the stuff.. but as i sat in one particular spot on the floor in the living room and more often when i was touching the cards that i had made.. there it came. an extreme cold spot.. my house is not drafty at all.. and the heat was on full blast.. 

This has happened before, but only in the living room.. it happened in december when i took my cd player into the living room and was playing and singing christmas songs by myself........the same cold spot.. not frightening..

 but.. it came back.. and The spot was so cold. i tryed to make cold breath.. it was freezing.  It moved.. at times it was right in front of my face.. and no where else..   However it didnt wanna move anywhere else in the house.. only there..

What was that dream of last night?? has it finally come true.. did she really come? did she really kiss me goodbye? man.. hard shit.. just dont know..

..

was she really there??? did she finally give me the goodye i wanted..was it real?



even if she did come and it was real, I will not be at peace.... i will only be at peace... (when the unthinkable) what seems to happen to only a select few of lucky people....   when i sit up in bed.... and in front of me.. is her spirit.. whole.. and dressed in the blue dress that she was buried in... with sydney in her lap.... and I am terrified at first.... but.. then words from the spirt.... I love you and i am at peace.... you be at peace... and go on without me... only for a while.... and then she puts me back to sleep... and i wake up and i know what i saw.. only then...  will there ever be peace for me..

 

 

ANOTHEr DREAM ABOUT MY Mom

 

 

Well, when i was

drunk the other day and felt a bit better, i tried to improve my LJ, with stuff from Photobucket. Damn, thats a great site!  I should have joined a long time ago.  Anyway, my "BIG" update is a dream. One of many dreams.    I say, "When you feel bad and you are with someone you hate, hell just sleep, i dont know"   However, be sure to listen to the Eurythmutics---"THESE DREAMS"
OKay, so in six years i have never had a good dream about my mother, but i firmly believe that TODAY!!! drum role please.. i finally had one...   SHES THE ANGEL IN THE DUMB  PHOTO..      So, i dreamed that "in the arms of the angels" by fuck what is her name? Sheryl crow.. no, im not sure was playing  and i was faking that i was asleep (when i was asleep)   and my mom was rubbing my head to the tune of that song.   (that was the dream)  but to someone who dreams about their mother with dead kittens, spiders, snakes, all kinds of gross shit.. that was wonderful.. It really was.. It felt very real.. it did..

I figure, if someones words can escatle and make a person feel as though she has to burn herself,,, a burn the size of a nickel.. Which was a blister, but just poped and OW!!! Then i can go home.. for a bit..
I just need stength.. if anyone on this site is christian,.. i need strenght... and AA.. and a lot moreKOOL MOM DREAMS