This womans so-called life

my black eye.. yeah like big deal

 
this is not what i wanted to post. i have a fucking video of my very first dermal punch and thats what i wanted to post.

this is just the first black eye that ive ever gotten from an eyebrow piercing and ive been doing this for eleven years. its black cause it was such a huge gauge. as soon as God stops punishing me with lightning bolts and well migranes that are debilitated. headaches everyday. there is no break. anxiety attacks every day and there is no break.

my life is in ruins at the moment. But God isnt gonna stop me from being a total bald headed freak. i just have to be patient and let the headaches pass. i dont know its all a nightmare.

 i know people only get on here because of the naked pic i have. except for my one fan paul.. thank you paul!

 ive always pierced because my mom died. the physical pain helped the emotional pain, and cause i need the attention. im a sack of shit without the piercings.

 i sit and watch mel gibsons the passion of the christ on a little portable dvd player that i bought when paul-my ex boyfriend and I went to a haunted hotel to ghost hunt. they didnt have a tv so i went to wal-mart to buy it. i sit with it on my lap and cry and ask why god is punishing me so.

sometimes i feel like jesus got what he deserved when i see him being whipped and the really gross part where his skin comes off. jesus only had to suffer that once. i bet he never had bad teeth. which i have. i might lose my two front teeth and im finding out about that this week. i bet jesus never had a headache or a paniac attack or his heart racing in his entire 33 years. jesus had a full life. he wasnt sitting in bed watching sanford and son every fucking day. he didnt have two trees fall on his house and it cost 2 grand to fix. he didnt feel nausated every night and he had a mother too.

 and why as stupid as it sounds and as many times as ive said it does my sacrifices of pain do they not work to bring my mother back. yeah i know that sounds crazy but i was a cutter and a hitter and i spilled gallons of blood for her. and not but only once has she come in a dream to me. in eleven years. im sick and i am her child and i need her.

i got an evp at the hotel of what is very possible my dad. who could maybe be an earthbound spirit, maybe i can just delude myself enough to think that he loved me enough to stay around. the evp said i miss you poo poo.. very weird cause poo poo was my  nickname when i was a child. it was very clear, so i dont know.

and another thing i have to say for the facebook people. im not gonna trash you even though i want to, but i realize that the piercing video of my dermal punch which i put up there makes no difference to you and i make no difference to you. but just to let you know i have been cursed by God and am deathly ill. piercing is all i have and if you dont pay attention to it than yeah fuck you. other people have their kids. other people have all kinds of things, but i dont. and it hurts the fuck out of me that nobody cares about the pain i do to myself. it still hurts though, you know and its done for a reason.

well i better save this before my computer fucks up.. this isnt all i had to say. no i have something else to say, somebody just broke my heart and i dont think they ment to, but it hurts bad. makes me wanna hurt myself almost. like i said i posted my dermal punch video to facebook. and a guy ive been talking to just put a comment on it. he said,"i doesnt look like it was at bad as i thought it would be" that is devestating. so that means the pain i go through is for no reason. it was discusting. there was a piece of skin pulled out of it for gods sake. i feel like ive just been punched in the stomach. its three am and i cant go to bed. is it only one guys opinion? or is it that really how it is. not that bad. i need it to be bad. i need it to be disgusting. for my mom, for shock value, for attention. i dont think much could hurt worse than this. if someone would just say its discustiing, its shocking, its painful. please let it just be the opinion of one guy. please let it be gross and shocking. ow, i cant take this

hornet, ghosthunting and a pic of me

 
 
 well first we have a pic of me which is trying to get folks to chat with me on my yahoo messenger which is FACEANDMURDOCK!! please come and talk to me!! especially at night. i am skinny and i used to be fat.. hey thats gotta count for something! except im binge eating today. i should slap myself on the hand! the other pictures are where paul and me went ghosthunting for about the 5th time on feb 4th. that didnt go very good. the hot chick in the middle her name is heidi, shes basically a celibrity, shes been on ghostadventures with zak, nick and aaron when they did their episode about the hornet.  i'll write more later. but please someone talk to me! at FACEANDMURDOCK on yahoo!

i wait up; all night for someone to instant message me. what is the deal

tooth terror!

 so yes folks this is my wisdom tooth. and below it is a scene from the movie SAW 3D where the guy had to use pliers to yank out his teeth. anyway if anybody cares i mentioned in my last post that my tooth had broken off or a filing had fallen out when i was eating some cereal. and also i will find out if i have a brain tumor on Tuesday. yep. anyway, i must have some seriously big balls or ive grown a pair because whenever i go to the dentist and i think its just gonna be for a filing or a crown its always something much worse. in august it was a root canal. and on thursday it was a fucking extraction.  Ive never had any teeth pulled in my life, i have all my wisdom teeth. well i am now  missing one. the dentist said the tooth that broke was a wisdom tooth and there just werent many options short of pulling it out that he saw would work. he did suggest that since i have a huge anxiety about dentists that i be referred to an oral surgeon to put me to sleep. but i said with my huge balls no i just want to get it done. so it was a nightmare they tried to give me gas (which ive never had before) and i was terrified of it (the gas) because ive seen TV shows where people just go insane on the stuff. but they just said no the gas will help you relax, so they put it over my nose but it didnt do shit. they kept the gas on the entire time. and ive never known anyone in my life getting a tooth yanked out while they are wide awake. i mean he gave me a bunch of novicane and then he took out his pliers. seriously pliers. i thought it would just gush blood, i had no idea. so he losened the tooth with the pliers for about ten minutes. i mean he was pulling on that thing. i mean really pulling the tooth with the pliers. and finally it came out. he gave me the tooth which is disgusting. its got a massive cavity in it and caked on blood. it bled for about 2 hours afterwards probably. i used up about 6 or 7 gauzes. and its only been three days so it still hurts. luckily i have vicoden. i just keep picturing someone tying me up and pulling out my teeth with pliers without the novicane. so that was my tooth terror!

all thats wrong and a nude pic!

Okay this is INSANE. i am  officially the least popular person on the internet. i checked my stats and it showed ONE person has visited my page in the past month!!!! i dont understand here is a naked picture of a 34-year-old woman. you can totally slam me. tell me i look old or like an anorexic crack whore or something. oh maybe say, hey for a 34-year-old she isnt that bad.... main thing im not fat after two years of laying in bed and not working out.. unlike some fat asses i know mainly chris carlson... since he totally went back on his word and has not contacted me whatsever. then he is a fat ass and im skinny.... welll since this is my first update in a long time. Paul got me a laptop for christmas.. hey pretty cool. now im back on the net again. finding out i was never popular just like i knew anyway... and on new years.. just to top of everything,, because things have been pretty bad and pretty serious and in about three days im gonna get the results of the MRI i had last wednesday which costs 900 bucks on my credit card. so yeah im about to see if i am going to die a horribly painful death from a brain tumor just like my mom did. am i scared? hell yeah! i am terrified, but nobody cares. and a shout out to my WONDERFUL family... i might have cancer douchebags. but whaT I WAS SAYing is on new years to top everything off my god damn tooth fell out when i was eating some frosted mini-wheats.. actually it was a filling but it feels like my tooth. so that was just the last straw. probably have to have a crown,. more money. and i havent mentioned the other medical problem i have yet.

oh did i mention chris is a fat ass... just wanted to make sure. so now im in a deep depression, my baby georgie who is 16 years old had all but three teeth pulled out because hes mouth was horribly infected. we had that done over the holidays. so i now have a toothless cat! great!bless his heart and that bill was 500 bucks. but paul paid for it. so if i dont have a brain tumor the next thing thats wrong with me is i have a large cyst under my chin. i had an ultrasound done on that not too long ago. the doctor read the ultrasound and said i need to go to a specialist to have a NEEDLE BIOPSY done of it!!! great.. more money.. and folks or the invisable fuck who reads this., i pay 1,000 dollars a month for insurance!!! and i cant use it when im in dire need because they could cancel me. this comes out of a disabled naked womans pocket. so anyway this cyst could be cancer also.. probabaly around 700 bucks. now plus the new dental bill that will probably be over a thousand for a new crown.. so i have this biopsy to look forward to.. this has just been a banner few months for me. i mean it just keeps piling on and piling on. and i huge thing that had a lot of meaning to me happened on christmas eve. i was desperate for a church service to go to, so it just so happened that st. albans the little episcopal church down the street was having a service at 11pm. now we never go to church but we did on last easter and the minister just out of the blue singled me out and asked me if i would go have coffee with him??? wierd???? well i had a migrane headache on the day he was supposted to come over so it never worked out.. but then we were out for a walk and we ran into him on the street . he said the same thing, i want to meet with you. do you need prayer? i'll help you? you know like some divine intervention was going on... the fool knew me i mean i have three huge 12 gauge piercings in my face im hard to forget and im bald!  but on christmas eve this same guy absoltuely DID NOT remember me at all. he just shook my hand and said merry chrismas just like he did with everyone else. I was SHOCKED. he asked me out for COFFEE. okay?? its like the devil is down on me. it really shook me up

well anyway we have done NOTHING in the past months, no ghost hunting no anything, because ive been so sick. now i dont know what im gonna do since i have my own computer and im not popular on the web.. what do you do with that??? and the way i feel now chris carlson i hope the chair that your sitting in breaks, because your so fat. ha ha. oh and you can die. like i might... cause i might have inoperable brain cancer!!! yeah.. GO INOPERABLE BRAIN TUMOR!!!   what do to? online i wish i didnt have my own computer geez. well all i can say is god please help with all thes medical things and chris i wouldnt hate you if you had kept your word. but you didnt, just like everybody else in my life. oh and you know in that little picture in the corner i was about 140 pounds.. now im about 95 pounds.

Punkie Pie has died too! AND A KALEDISCOPE OF WEBSITES

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http://www.real-talent.com/punkypie LINK NO LONGER WORKS!!!!!

 

Okay first things first,  that i cant believe  i feel good enough today to be writing here at one in the morning on pauls laptop..I really hate laptops, you know, im just not used to them AT ALL! Just not at all, they are a strange and foreign thing. Anyway, I just found out, now this is not a top priority in my sesspool of problems or anything, but I just found out that the NEW PORN that I was advertising and basically JUST JOINED IS OUT OF BUSINESS!! So, yes, are I am sure you are wondering, I GOT SCAMMED!! Yes, along with about 30 other women. So, that is why you happen to see the somewhat nasty photo of me sucking on a lollipop, because I am now not  nude anywhere on the net in like a um (condenced) package. AND YEAH IM PISSED I GOT SCAMMED!! So, for my MILLIONS OF LJ readers, i think its time for the GROSS little nudie pics.. because frankly I have no where else to put them!  Anyway, im actually tired and dont feel like doing this, but my point to this entry is of course KALIDESCOPE OF WEBSITES...... I am going to list the AT LEAST 25-30 websites that I can remember that i am on or that have something to do with me...... and the reason I am doing that is because.....last night i was MAD AT THE WORLD, because I figure,,,,,,, How is it possible to be on so many sites and literally for years....NOT MAKE ONE FRIEND.. but its possible......So, im going to list a few of the obvious here when they come to mind, but im getting tired and need to brush my teeth, i can of course finish the list later......... U know, its a desperate attempt that someone will come to my Desperate aid...... U know be my friend....WAHHHH.. cause I SURE AS HELL AM ON ENOUGH FUCKING WEBSITES!!!  SO, HERE WE GO.....!!!!
ONE--http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Sign_In&template=/security/login.cfm This is the website for the national assosiation for the mentally ill.. nope havent helped me once!


http://www.rockyou.com/my_stuff.php?loginType=ryLogin&email=faceandmurdock%40yahoo.com--this is photosharing site

http://www.bzoink.com/~robochicky76    this is supposted to be a social network site.. not ONE FRIEND

http://www.nolongerlonely.com/view.php?profile=26938  this is my profile at a site called nolongerlonely.com its supposted to help people with mental illness find love.. NOT A SOUL!

http://www.patientslikeme.com/profile okay this one pisses me off the most its called patients like me where people are supposted to SUPPORT AND HELP EACH OTHER AND MAKE FRIENDS.. NOT A DAMN THING!

http://profiles.friendster.com/punkypie okay this is called friendster a social networking site. I got TWO count um two friends out of this one.

http://www.myyearbook.com/punkypie THIS IS ANOTHER SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE LIKE MYSPACE NO FRIENDS FROM IT!

http://www.mychurch.org/member/myhome.php ONE OF MY MOST DISAPPOINTING SOCIAL SITES ITS SUPPOSTED TO BE CHRISTIAN FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!

AND IM NOT DONE FOLKS< MANY MORE SITES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP!

HERES MY FACEBOOK SITE--SOMEONE PLEASE COME JOIN ME SERIOSLY

Okay i cant get that to work just look under Annemieke J. Patterson and thats me.

Im on twitty too. and myspace.

 

"Chillin.. in the graveyard..

Well, folks you can actually go take a look at "Poor Punky's" altar ego "Virgin Rose" at www.photoconfessions.comYou know they have been ripping me off for years! I just know it! I joined them way before I charmed Southern Charms and Ive Never seen a dime! but you can see me for 6 dollars...

 

Well folks here I am just a sittin.. and chillin.. in the my mom's graveyard around this September (because that was the last time Paul was here) and I only usually go when hes here, dont know why because the grave is only about 20 minutes away. I reckon im running out of things, or i never really did have anything else that i havent already said to my mom.

I feel that i must represent this page from a quote from JOHN DENVER, "I KNOW THAT THIS LIFE IS WORTH LIVIN, YES I DO, BUT SOMETIMES IT JUST ISNT FAIR" Nope, its not fair, and this picture isnt really "fair" Its usually supposted to be the the 45-99 year old woman whos looking down at her moms grave, not a 22-year old girl......NOW 32 of course, but you get the idea!! maybe, perhaps you do!

anyway here I am adusting the plastic flowers that Paul and I put on the grave last year around the anniversary of her death. I hadnt been to the graveyard for almost a year, so I was totally shocked that our one year old flowers were rotting and hadnt been touched at all. I was very sad, this most likely means that no one else had been by in over a year, and I think that really sucks! Her friends should at least come to visit, even though it has been 8 years.

You know I think a lot about what would happen if I went to heaven and I saw my mom now. I think it would be reallly scary and odd. I mean i havent seen her in 9 years! Imagine not seeing your parents for that long. Basically nothing has changed for me (job wise) or residence wise, i did graduate from college in 2005 and she missed that, but even though things are pretty much the same as they were 9 years ago, Im not the same as i was, im a totally different person. and i know that shes a totally different pereon  from the woman who died. the woman that I knew as my mother from ages 1-22, shes not there anymore, i know she has changed. So anyway, its a weird thing to think about.

I was gonna put another pic, its a closeup of the symbol on moms grave, apparently the graveyard lets you choose little symbols that you want on the persons grave, like a baseball, for a sports fan, a cross for a religious person, an airplane for someone who loved flying... Hers was picked out by my uncle, its an angel woman putting a necklace on a little girl. i wonder if it didnt start out to mean anything, or it just evolved into meaning something, but i kinda see in it my mom keeping the cross the she gave me--which I always wear--around my neck... I dont know....

 

YOUR SO-CALLED LIFE GIRL 

"Nudie" Punky is dead, 'we can cry real tears now, but i have another link for ya

well seems as if the site, http://www.southern-charms3.com/punky/main.htm  (PUNKY THE ALTAR EGO FOR OVER TWO YEARS)is no more, even though you know it may have been a Crappy way to make a few extra bucks and an exuse to actually get my ex-boyfriend Paul to see me naked when he comes around once in a three month period!

but i must say there was a lot of work (yeah work)! involved in the 60 or so photo sets we did during four years. (most all were contained on my Southern charms site) Now, they are just meaningless work blowing in the winds of cyberspace. (Punky) worked really hard on the costume ideas, (she even had to make some (objectionable clothing purchases) and she worked really hard at her photo sessions (which for the last year have ONLY been in front of my ex-boyfriend! But because punky wasnt a hoe, southern charm she only got pictures when her ex came to town, so that didnt leave her with many new sets.. The requirement to be( punky, )was that I had to update two sets of photos a month AT LEAST NEW PHOTOS OR I WOULD GET DELETED WITH NO WARNIMG APPERATNLY) and since she only saw paul every few months she couldnt get enough photos and her 5 years of net came to a crashing end! taking with it, a little money, but mostly taking any sexual self esteem that i would ever have left, after what my ex and i have been through. SO< FOLKS!!!!, R.I. P, she was a member of many interent

 groups!
Create your own custom glitter graphic!

 

 

Create your own custom glitter graphic!

OH FOLKS, ACTUALLY MAN I LOOK LIKE A HUGE SLUT! EVEN THOUGH MOST OF YOU KNOW MY REAL PATHETIC SEX STATUS--I MEAN REAL PATHETIC, BUT I FORGOT IM ON ANOTHER ADULT SITE. ITS BEEN RIPPING ME OFF I THINK FOR ABOUT THREE YEARS!!!! DAMN.. WELL FOR ANY PUNKY FOLKS I GUESS YOU CAN GO SEE THE )OLD) OLD ME......AT http://www.photoconfessions.com/   MY MODEL IS "VIRGIN ROSE"  WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.. HMMMM>

Freudian Friday

HI FOLKS, I HAVE THERAPY FRIDAY sometimes, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD FIND SOME FUNNY PSYCHOLOGICAL CARTOON  TO CELEBRATE THE FRIDAY VISITS TO MY SHRINK SIGMUND FREUD

 

  

My mentally ill support group "adventure"

I finally made myself go on Tuesday. Lets just put it this way, I DID NOT HAVE FUN!  IT was one of my first attempts at getting OUT IN THE REAL WORLD!, it was fucking tough, anyway they have the meeting every 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month.

So, for my first attempt at real socialization, I was disappointed. When I got there, i decided that I wasnt gonna talk because it was my first meeting. I got there late because i got totally lost trying to find the church where the meeting took place.

I felt like an idiot when the facilitor told me to get up and put on a name tag, so I sat down and there were only about 7 people there including me! NOT MANY! I immediately recognized a woman that i had sorta known at another support group that i used to attend years ago, so i was kinda embarrassed and creeped out (because i'll get to that later)

 The thing is, i had NOTHING in common with any of the group members, I have severe depression and anxiety for which i take MANY MANY Pills, but no one else there was talking about anything like that. After a few minutes a black lady with a very pronounced birth mark or scarring all over her face and arms came and sat down. She told everyone her name and that "she was hearing voices" all the time" (Suddenly, i thought, god, maybe im not so mentally ill after all).. (but only for a minute).

She said that they hadnt diagnosed her with schizophrenia yet, but she was on medication for it, and that the only things that kept the voices away were her friends, family and keeping busy (I thought great, i have no family, no friends, and i sleep all day) good thing im not hearing voices-YET..

Then two shy men who were there because of their OCD-Obsessive compulsive disorder, started to talk about all the "rituals" that they had to perform before they could leave the house, and the two became instant friends, leaving the group with each others phone numbers.. and laughing that they were gonna chat about some good ol' OCD.  (well i dont have OCD EITHER) 

Then the leader of the group, a heavy set man, mentioned that he was in his mid-forties and still lived with his mom! So, as he talked he was trying to figure out how to keep conflict to a minimim when him and his mother wanted to watch the same TV SHOWS (ROLLS EYES) and he was terrified about what would happen to him at FORTY! if his mother died on him, he said he mother did everything for him, payed all the bills, got all the food, he just got to stay in his mental illness and worry about nothing else (i felt really angry about that) thinking how ive been supporting myself since i was 23, and my mother died. (thinking how unfair it was)

The woman who i mentioned earlier that i knew from another support group was the only one talking about having suicidal feelings and not much family. The problem with that is.. SHE SCARES ME.. she always has.. Shes like skin and bones, weighs something like 90 pounds and she cant seem to ever sit still in her chair, Shes always got to be picking at her fingernails or kicking her feet, and it DROVE mE nuts then and it drove me nuts this time..

Anyway, once the meeting was over, seems like everyone was doing GREAT NOW, except for me. The woman who heard voices.. said she felt so much better now.. (i have no clue why) and the two men who had made friends talking about their OCD compulsions left the meeting babbling on happily about it. THen the 40-year old who still lived with his mother asked the 90 pound anxiety lady if she wanted to go to mcdonalds and get a soda... He didnt ask anyone else of course... so i had to walk out of the meeting alone and feeling stupid.. so i just had a smoke and drove on my way. So, it seems i have nothing in common with even the REALLY MENTALLY ILL!

I wonder if i should waste my (valueable)-not time going back a place that made me feel bad and with people that i have nothing in common with.... Geez, so severe depression and suicidal thoughts arent the (cool) thing anymore, U need to have OCD or be HEARING THINGS! Well thats what happened at my first support group in years. i guess i could go for feedback on this post, if its nice.. u know on wheter i should go back or not!

 

Sincerely, your severe depresso,

Your-so-called life Woman